days of our lives

[sprinklethief]

not only is december 11th the day of my surgery, not only is it joeys birthday...

it is now officially the day of his visitation pre-trial, 3 hours away from where we live. he won't be able to be there before OR after my surgery, might not even make it home in time for visiting hours.

ask me how happy i am. go ahead. ask.

sometimes i think i'm better off in life by myself, that way other people's stuff doesn't hurt me. i had a boyfriend once tell me that they wanted to break up because they wanted to be alone. even though that eventually translated into "i want to stick my penis into as many chicks as humanly possible before i die" i can now clearly understand the original preface, even if it was a lie. its not that i don't love joey, i do. it's like with wyl - i just want to be alone. i don't have the energy, the stamina nor the health to give another person what they deserve in a relationship. i don't even have it in me to live my own life, and it takes everything i have to share what little of it there is. often times i stay in bed and sleep for literally days on end, coming out only when joey's not home because i know i can't offer up what he needs in a relationship. i've told him many times that i wouldn't be offended if he wanted to leave since i'm so crippled and lifeless, and each time he says that he loves me and that he's staying with me no matter what.

sometimes i wonder if that's really the healthy thing to do.

i can see in his eyes that he wishes i was as active and happy as i was mere months ago. i know he wants me to go ride BMX or skateboard, but truth be told, i haven't the energy or the physical ability anymore. we can only have sex 2 - 3 times a week (as opposed to our usual almost every night) anymore, sometimes less, which i know affects him though he swears it doesn't. i just feel like a let down. i feel like he deserves so much better than what i can give him. hence wanting to just be alone so that the only person who has to suffer my misery is myself.

maybe things will change after i'm healed up. maybe i'll be as happy to be alive as i was when my back finally healed, but i'm not holding my breath.

Comments

[lucidrebellion.livejournal.com]

dont feel guilty. ever. you know it. you found the right guy for you. really. The more you beat yourself up over the things you can't alter, then you just slip into a spiral that makes you feel even worse.

[outcelgeist.livejournal.com]

Being alone has its ups and downs. I've managed to stay out of a relationship since May '06. I guess it's kind of nice. I don't feel bad about doing anything. There's never any guilt about things... on the other hand, it gets old after a while. Sometimes I miss the comfort and familiarity. I don't know... I wish you luck though. I hope the surgery goes well.

[waffles2poles.livejournal.com]

I am sooo there with you. I've no real job to speak of (I'm temping), I'm scared to even FIND a permanent job bc of the last 2 jobs that I SUCKED at, I ahd to borrow $600 from my dad, and it's Xmas time and I can't get anything for my gf. Add that Caroline can't even do anything that involves money that she likes bc she's helping me (see paying)all my bills and stir.

Yeah, I blow and I want to press the eject button to save her from the same bullshit that I put my ex through for 7 years.

But...she loves me and visa versa. I think that I'd regret it and resent myself for leaving

And I think you would,too,in your relationship.

Be well.

[anmorata.livejournal.com]

I know it's not the same as Joey being there, but if you want someone there with you on the 11th, I can be there as soon as I get out of work. It would not be a burden on my day at all (so don't try that excuse :P ). Just let me know when and where.

[xflute-goddessx.livejournal.com]

I Will take the day off, borrow steve's car and drive you to the hospital :) I know its gonna suck But I will stay with you all day until joey gets there or they kick me out. whichever comes first. That is if you'd like a ride. If not I'll come be there after I get off work. tell me if you need me to take you :)

[xflute-goddessx.livejournal.com]

*note I meant that its gonna suck for you, I don't mind at all, except for the fact that they're going to surgerize you

[xflute-goddessx.livejournal.com]

Dude i keep sounding like an asshole. you know what i mean,

[woodfaery.livejournal.com]

Everything you said about not providing enough for Joey and him saying that he loves you and is staying with you no matter what is exactly how it is with Nunzio and I.

I am sick a lot, I can't do active things, and I go bat shit crazy and scare him. I tell him I would understand if he left, that it isn't healthy for him to stay but he doesn't listen. I feel selfish sometimes staying with him b/c I feel he would be happier with a more normal and healthy person.

He says he wishes I was better and healthy, but not for him, but for myself so I could be happier.

It looks like we both have faithful stubborn partners.

[greyyguy.livejournal.com]

Sorry to hear that the timing for everything is hitting all at once. That sucks. You can be positive that you will be in his thoughts.

Being alone might be easier and safer, but it is not better. At the same time, he gets to make his own choices too and he has chosen to be with you- good times and bad. If you love him, you need to accept the fact that he wants to be with you more than he wants to do anything else. If he made that choice, I seriously doubt that he considers spending time with you suffering.

I'm sure he wished you were as happy and active as months ago, but I'm also sure it is for your sake more than his. As for him deserving better- if he does then doesn't he he deserve to be with the person he fell in love with? Don't sell yourself short. He wouldn't.

[radiation88.livejournal.com]

Eh, wait til you're healed up after surgery to decide. No sense in making a big decision now.

[stylish-deviant.livejournal.com]

go ahead and hold it...let's see what happens

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

that's a very good point. i think that's what i've done... now to undo it...

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i feel like there's more familiarity in being alone, but i might be in a "grass is greener" mindset. i just have a difficult time conveying my thoughts and feelings appropriately. he says he understands, even researched asperger's to get a better idea of why things get mixed up for me, but i can't help but think that he's pretending to understand for my sake, which can't be healthy.

and thanks, hopefully this will be the last of these goddamn surgeries. my spine is going to be all one piece at this rate.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

yeah, i know i'd regret it when he moved on, but i'd know he'd at least have a chance at a normal life. i sort of feel like a burden no matter what. but that might just be because i'm on the bottom of the barrel looking up right now.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i might take you up on that. both of my parents want to be there, and i don't want to spend my pre-surgery waiting time in that stoney silence.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i'm still working out details, but that sounds like a very viable option. i'd much rather hang out with you than BOTH my parents.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

yeah dick :P

just kidding ;)

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

yeah, i'm tired of this surgerize crap.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

it just sucks because those few months when everything was decent i finally felt like an equal in a relationship. that bottomed out damn fast :P

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

all very good points (actually brought a bit of a tear to my eye)

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

especially since i'll be in a cervical collar and not allowed to drive for a month, lol.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

my luck it'll come out the other end.

[(Anonymous)]

Sure thing. Just let me know when and where and I'll be there.

[anmorata.livejournal.com]

ETA - that was me. :)