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not only is december 11th the day of my surgery, not only is it joeys birthday...
it is now officially the day of his visitation pre-trial, 3 hours away from where we live. he won't be able to be there before OR after my surgery, might not even make it home in time for visiting hours.
ask me how happy i am. go ahead. ask.
sometimes i think i'm better off in life by myself, that way other people's stuff doesn't hurt me. i had a boyfriend once tell me that they wanted to break up because they wanted to be alone. even though that eventually translated into "i want to stick my penis into as many chicks as humanly possible before i die" i can now clearly understand the original preface, even if it was a lie. its not that i don't love joey, i do. it's like with wyl - i just want to be alone. i don't have the energy, the stamina nor the health to give another person what they deserve in a relationship. i don't even have it in me to live my own life, and it takes everything i have to share what little of it there is. often times i stay in bed and sleep for literally days on end, coming out only when joey's not home because i know i can't offer up what he needs in a relationship. i've told him many times that i wouldn't be offended if he wanted to leave since i'm so crippled and lifeless, and each time he says that he loves me and that he's staying with me no matter what.
sometimes i wonder if that's really the healthy thing to do.
i can see in his eyes that he wishes i was as active and happy as i was mere months ago. i know he wants me to go ride BMX or skateboard, but truth be told, i haven't the energy or the physical ability anymore. we can only have sex 2 - 3 times a week (as opposed to our usual almost every night) anymore, sometimes less, which i know affects him though he swears it doesn't. i just feel like a let down. i feel like he deserves so much better than what i can give him. hence wanting to just be alone so that the only person who has to suffer my misery is myself.
maybe things will change after i'm healed up. maybe i'll be as happy to be alive as i was when my back finally healed, but i'm not holding my breath.
it is now officially the day of his visitation pre-trial, 3 hours away from where we live. he won't be able to be there before OR after my surgery, might not even make it home in time for visiting hours.
ask me how happy i am. go ahead. ask.
sometimes i think i'm better off in life by myself, that way other people's stuff doesn't hurt me. i had a boyfriend once tell me that they wanted to break up because they wanted to be alone. even though that eventually translated into "i want to stick my penis into as many chicks as humanly possible before i die" i can now clearly understand the original preface, even if it was a lie. its not that i don't love joey, i do. it's like with wyl - i just want to be alone. i don't have the energy, the stamina nor the health to give another person what they deserve in a relationship. i don't even have it in me to live my own life, and it takes everything i have to share what little of it there is. often times i stay in bed and sleep for literally days on end, coming out only when joey's not home because i know i can't offer up what he needs in a relationship. i've told him many times that i wouldn't be offended if he wanted to leave since i'm so crippled and lifeless, and each time he says that he loves me and that he's staying with me no matter what.
sometimes i wonder if that's really the healthy thing to do.
i can see in his eyes that he wishes i was as active and happy as i was mere months ago. i know he wants me to go ride BMX or skateboard, but truth be told, i haven't the energy or the physical ability anymore. we can only have sex 2 - 3 times a week (as opposed to our usual almost every night) anymore, sometimes less, which i know affects him though he swears it doesn't. i just feel like a let down. i feel like he deserves so much better than what i can give him. hence wanting to just be alone so that the only person who has to suffer my misery is myself.
maybe things will change after i'm healed up. maybe i'll be as happy to be alive as i was when my back finally healed, but i'm not holding my breath.
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From:
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Being alone might be easier and safer, but it is not better. At the same time, he gets to make his own choices too and he has chosen to be with you- good times and bad. If you love him, you need to accept the fact that he wants to be with you more than he wants to do anything else. If he made that choice, I seriously doubt that he considers spending time with you suffering.
I'm sure he wished you were as happy and active as months ago, but I'm also sure it is for your sake more than his. As for him deserving better- if he does then doesn't he he deserve to be with the person he fell in love with? Don't sell yourself short. He wouldn't.
From:
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