sprinklethief: (Default)
( Jan. 5th, 2011 04:21 pm)
Day 23 - Give pictures of 5 guys who are famous who you find attractive.

ugh, really? this is gonna take a while...

(in no particular order)
1. layne staley. yes i'm aware of the resemblance to my husband. while i won't lie and say that had nothing to do with why i was so attracted to him in high school, i will say that wasn't the only reason...

2. crispin glover. if you don't get it, you never will.

3. michael pitt. bears a slight resemblance to my husband in this pic. i guess what i'm trying to say is that i find my husband incredibly attractive...

4. david krumholtz. no explanation on this one, he's just amazingly fun to look at.

5. and my first celebrity crush ever - mike ness

sprinklethief: (Default)
( Jan. 4th, 2011 02:15 am)
Day 22 - How have you changed in the past 2 years?

well, this is how 2009 started out for me. i remember meowmeow knocking on my door to wake me up. joey had been in a wreck (in MY car of course). i was also still recovering from my second spinal fusion which was going poorly and had to return to work 6 weeks early because joey couldn't find a job (read: wouldn't stop playing video games long enough to go find one). i was pretty miserable and was coming to the realization that i had to give up everything i'd worked so hard for in order to support not only myself, but another grown man and his child (when we had him). in january his tab was already at $1500, by the end of our relationship it was approaching $5000. guess how much of that he payed back?

being with him pretty much destroyed my sense of self because he clung to me so tightly. i just gave up trying to be anything but a provider to soften the blow. assimilate or be destroyed. it was hard to do that, but i really did care about the guy. hell, i still do. my misery just grew and grew, but then his father died and i had to not only be the provider, but the mental nurse, therapist and support of the entire household. i think this is about where i totally gave up and dropped out of school. he was so focused on us, and being a family that he never stopped to think that his laziness and disregard for what i wanted was crushing me. that's ultimately what ended us, i just couldn't take it anymore. i tried a million times to tell him, but that just made him hold on tighter and crush me more. bad move.

i was pretty dejected and downright emotionally destitute when justin came along. but he sparked something in me, like i've said a million times in this meme. i saw how far he'd gotten in his career by taking chances, and happy accidents, so i decided to take a leap when the situation presented itself. in retrospect, gamestop really sucked ass, but as justin says, it forced me to break my routine and move on from retail hell. if i hadn't left CVS for gamestop, id have never quit gamestop and i'd have probably never gone back to school. who knows.

internally i feel like i've grown up a lot in the last two years. i might even say i've become quite a bit more jaded than i'd like, but the reality of it is - life is brutal, and the sooner you realize that the sooner you can get on with it. i've learned a lot about love, and just what it can endure. i feel that i've become less attached to people, but more appreciative of our connections. i'm slowly learning to take a more global assessment of things before starting to micromanage myself insane, which has in turn helped my ADD. i learned that having a high IQ doesn't make you smart, it just makes you look fancy on paper - and you're still capable of mistakes.

i guess the last two years has really been a "getting to know myself again" period after losing myself inside of other people and becoming a slave to other people's disregard for me. its been difficult to find my way through this because i keep thinking "i'm too old to do this" and "i'm to old to do that" without really realizing that there is still an entire world of opportunity out there if i'd just stop being afraid to grab it by the balls and make it my bitch. baby steps i guess.
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Jan. 2nd, 2011 08:49 pm)
Day 21 - One of your favorite shows.

i'm going to be sad when this is over. imma have to find a new one to keep me writing.

favorite show... right now i'm really into the early episodes of anthony bordain's no reservations. i know that might sound weird, a food show on the travel channel, but bear with me.

the shows are not only about the food of people all over the nation and the world, but culture, traditions and history. strange things you never think of, like how some places its impolite to make eye contact, or in some places its customary for royalty to cook for you themselves when visiting them as an honored guest. the commentary is pretty funny too. lets just say tony didn't go to any etiquette training. you can tell he truly loves doing this, and sometimes i've found myself welling up when he gets all retrospective about where he is. the first beruit show had me really awed. the second one was really cool because you got to see how they bounced back from all of that in a matter of 3 or 4 years. i think it was thailand that was another one that really got me. i'm seeing that the later shows seem to loose the raw quality and he spends a lot of time in fancy restaurants, but i might have just watched shitty ones. i really hope it doesn't lose the honesty it had early on, its really made me want to be more world-aware.

plus you get to see him eat brains, dong and balls, which the teenager in me finds endlessly amusing. there's one that he's in namibia that the food was particularly amusing, but i won't ruin it for those of you that want to watch it on your own. suffice it to say, it was quite interesting.
Day 20 - How important you think education is.

i feel that education is incredibly important, but not in the "everybody has to go to college and get a degree" kind of way. for instance, my mother and husband both never finished high school, got GEDs instead. my mother is a literary genius and my husband is an amazing success in his field. i also know people with BA's from random college x that work in entry-level retail management jobs. its all in how you use what you know, and search for more. for my personal field, i have to have a college education or else people would laugh when they saw my resume, that and the whole state board wanting people to have actual accreditation.

people should be educated about the world around them, the struggles of everyone else in the world so you know just how good/bad you have it. i feel its important to be educated in anything that's of interest to you, so you don't look like an idiot discussing it. its important to be up to date on news, and to a lesser extent politics. the whole "ignorance is bliss" thing really pisses me off, and has made it so that i can't have a good conversation with most people. I NEED MENTAL STIMULATION DAMMIT! if for nothing else, people should be educated just to appease me. yeah.

okay, i'm going back to bed.
Day 19 - Disrespecting your parents.

i feel like everyone has disrespected their parents in some form or another be it consciously or not. in my teen years, i disrespected pretty much everyone in some way. i was angry, awkward and depressed, what do you expect? even still, i don't remember actually outwardly being disrespectful to my mom amidst the books flying at my head, fists of fury and full beer can black eyes. i do remember hitting her back once, and i dropped the broad. probably not one of my most sparkling moments, and to this day i feel really bad about it knowing what addict behaviour is, and that the person hitting me wasn't really her. I go through phases where i'm incredibly spiteful of her for many things, mostly being too selfish to raise a child and keeping me from my father, but the older i get the more i see a scared little woman with social anxiety that would make any of you look like social butterflies (even you two, [livejournal.com profile] back_in_blackand [profile] shadowsound. oh and you guys should totally hook up because i think you'd get along famously. just putting it out there). the more i learn about the psychology of addicts, and the psychology of people in society, the more i understand her decisions. not condone, but understand. recently she's reached out to me in a "what about me? do you still like me?" kind of way, and she is so awkward around me. i feel i've got enough social anxiety and know enough people with massive scale social anxiety that i try to facilitate the conversations to keep her comfortable. i know i've spouted off many times about how much i hate her, but the truth is - i don't. i feel sorry for her, and not in that condescending way, but in that "i want to be there for her" way. she recently got an eyeful of what has become of my dad, and i think she was humbled. she actually teared up when she watched justin help him up some stairs to use the bathroom at my nephew's birthday party, and this was before he was 100% wheelchair bound. the dad thing is why i have held such a grudge against her for so long, and i think she sees why now.

wow, totally off topic.

it seems to me that our generation was the last generation with any respect for our parents. i hear shit out of kids mouths these days that would have gotten me smacked into next week. seriously, you'd come over looking for me and my mom would be all like "you'll have to come back next friday where her smart ass got put." and you'd be all like oO. it seems that children are increasingly running households, and that ain't right. parents are afraid to discipline their children for fear of repercussions, but it has created a generation of self-important fucktards that have no respect for elders or authority. like holding doors open for people, or saying sir and ma'am. that shit is dead with the younger generations. i'm sure there's exceptions, but not many.

me personally, i've learned a certain amount of respect for my parents, like not talking over them, not yelling at them, yanno, the basics. especially my father, as he's been disrespected his whole life, he deserves a little goddamn common decency. its sad that being treated like a human confuses him so much because he's been treated like a monster or a wallet all these years. and now that he's not got many years left, he just fucking deserves better.
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 30th, 2010 03:34 pm)
Day 18 - Your beliefs.

wow, so this is a bit of a broad spectrum, no?

a guide to living life kym style )
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 29th, 2010 04:09 pm)
Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.

oh man... where to start...

tl;dr )
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 28th, 2010 10:13 am)
Day 16 - Your views on mainstream music.

meh. i've never really been into the mainstream music, even as a kid. as a kid my mom got me into things like the ramones and the sex pistols (you should see some of my elementary school pictures. i had a crimped mowhawk, wearing a vandals shirt and a suitcoat. i can only imagine what my teachers were thinking...). it seems to me that the underbelly of music is more enduring than what's mainstream, but that could always be a false consensus effect on my part. it seems like mainstream music retains some sort of a campy quality to it while the "underground" has an almost timeless feel. not to say there isn't campy underground music, but it seems to have less notoriety.

currently i still have little to no idea as to what's popular in music. the only time i was even remotely up to date was working in a strip club where i heard the same newer songs over and over again daily. i'll hear songs and i'm told that they're popular, but i couldn't tell you who they were by. sometimes i'll hear them and laugh my ass off, thinking its a joke, until i realize that people really seriously like this crap. the age of talented musicians is long over. we've got the auto-tune craze currently, and it seems like band members are more employees of whatever icon is being featured on the forefront.

or maybe i'm just old and bitter.
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 27th, 2010 01:25 am)
Day 15 - Your favorite tumblrs.

wow, the halfway mark! well, to be quite honest, i had to do a google search to find out what a tumblr was. from what i can gather, its kind of like twitter and basically aimed at cell phones and things of the like. obviously i don't follow any or i'd have known what the hell it is, but here's some things i *do* follow:

* rahm emanuel's fake twitter page. it's just too fucking funny to *not* follow. plus, you gotta have respect for a guy who yelled "don't fuck this up" in tony blair's face, even if it *is* a fake blog.

* the consumerist. what can i say, old retail habits die hard.

* weebl's stuff. i shouldn't even have to explain. if you've hung around me for any large amount of time, you'd know my sense of humor makes absolutely no sense. i mean, who laughs uncontrollably at cows? (side note: today we found that i have the same reaction to camels...)

* the international edition of cnn. mostly because, yanno, its good to know whats going on in the world.

* paul ekman's site. he's a pretty interesting guy, a bit full of himself though. definitely a rock star in the behavioral science community.

* social psychology news on science daily. yeah, i'm *that* big of a nerd.

those are just my regular haunts, i have quite a few i check in on periodically, but i felt that might be a bit too much linkage and an information overload.
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 26th, 2010 10:41 am)
Day 14 - Your earliest memory.

i think time lines tend to get mixed up as far as memories go, and its hard to pinpoint what really was our earliest memory. that being said, i'm at least going to try to remember the earliest to the best of my ability.

i want to say it was when i was attacked by a dog when i was maybe 3 or 4. we had this german shepard mix that was kind of a dickhead, but me being the strange "i can't tell if someone or something hates me" little kid i was, i still tried to pet and cuddle him. according to my dad, i pulled his tail. according to my mom, i laid my head down on his side while he was laying down. i honestly don't remember who is right, i just remember teeth and lots of blood, my dad grabbing up the dog by its neck and everyone screaming. i remember my dad and the dog disappeared while my mom was trying to scoop me up and get me in the car, and i remember hearing a *pop* sound from the woods as we drove away to the hospital.

at the hospital, i remember not really understanding what was going on. retrospectively that was probably for the best. then i was on a table, strapped to some kind of board. i don't really know if that part is true, but i remember the big-ass surgery light and people with masks over my face and chest, then everything slowly fading away.

i woke up and my mom was next to me. at some point a doctor came in to talk to us and he brought me a banana popsicle. to this day i still love those damn things, and i hate bananas. i'm pretty sure we went home soon after, my face and chest all stitched up. when we got home, i remember calling for the dog to tell him it was okay and that i forgave him, but he didn't come. i searched the whole house and didn't see him. i went out back and he wasn't there. finally i asked my dad where skipper was, and this is when i learned about what death was. my dad took the dog out into the woods and shot him so he wouldn't hurt anybody else. i remember not really being affected by it, i don't know if it was because i didn't really understand or if i was just like "oh, well, that's what dad says, so i guess that's it."

looking back that's pretty fucking morbid, but there it is...
Day 13 - Somewhere you’d like to move or visit.

i don't really know. lately i've just wanted to leave. i'm becoming more and more disgusted by the american sense of entitlement, the "gimmie gimmie" mentality and the firm belief that you're right no matter what, and you'll fight to the death to back your belief (even if proven completely wrong). i'm not saying there aren't good people here, they're just hideously outnumbered.

i guess given the option, i'd want to go someplace anthropologically interesting, something completely out of my social realm (and not in the autistic way). justin and i have been watching anthony bourdain's "no reservations" because he is a confessed food addict and i really have no opinion as to what we watch for the most part. while justin is oooing and aaaahing at the food, i've actually been really amazed and interested in the cultural aspects of the show. we watched one last night where tony went to malaysia and had to hike up a mountain to a small village. he did this because he didn't want to see the commercial/tourist side of things, but the actual people and culture. when he got to the village it was customary that the visitor to the tribe had to slaughter the pig for their feast by running it through with a spear. while this was really disturbing (they didn't show it, but you heard it), i thought it enunciated the cultural aspect of the show and i found that endlessly interesting. there was also an episode where he was in beirut in july 2006. if you recall, this is when hezbollah took two israeli soldiers hostage and killed 3 more sparking one hell of a firestorm. just before this happened, he was walking down the street with his guide who's talking about how lebanon was in a sort of renaissance and so full of life. then, almost like it was planned, hezbollah supporters begin to flood down the street out of seemingly nowhere, screaming and cheering about the capture of the israeli soldiers. tony turns to the guide at some point afterward and his face had totally dropped, then he said that he knew war was coming next. i can't imagine living like that, knowing that at any given moment war could break out in my country, and the rest of the episode isn't so much about food, but about the shocked point of view of tony and his staff after israel bombs the airport, leaving anyone who was a visitor stranded.

its not that i want to experience a war-torn nation or crippling poverty looking for a novel experience to write home about, i just feel that we as americans are culturally deprived. we're so busy with our McThis and microsoft that, i feel that we lost sight of what is important in life. we're so busy getting into petty political arguments and filibustering whatever we don't agree with because we MUST win, that we've lost sight of the fact that its a pretty awesome thing that we're even allowed to do so. that we can sleep at night knowing we won't be awaken by air raid sirens, or that our nation isn't constantly teetering on the brink of invasion - hell - even having clean, running water are all things that i think are taken for granted. i guess what this all boils down to is that wherever i visit, wherever my travels hypothetically take me, i'd want to construct a more accurate world view, and understand life from a completely abstract (comparatively) viewpoint.

but i'm also on 3 hours sleep, so who knows.
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 24th, 2010 06:39 pm)
Day 12 - Bullet your whole day.

are you really that interested in this? here goes:

* woke up at 9:30am to go buy gift cards before it got too insane

* started feeling nauseous around 10:30, demanded husband take me home

* projectile vomiting for about an hour, laying on bathroom floor hating life

* sleep while husband battles the crowds because he's both a procrastinator and insane

* husband came home to check on me, went to BJ's for mammoth bag of kitty litter

* felt nauseous, went home, went back to sleep while husband wrapped presents

* husband woke me up to go to a holiday party at his aunt's

* proceed to look at husband with hate daggers until he realized projectile vomiting and sleeping all day does not equal being social

* trying to sit up long enough to wrap presents and finish cleaning the house as well as pre-make some of christmas dinner and hors d'œuvres

sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 23rd, 2010 12:01 pm)
Day 11 - Put your music player on shuffle and write 10 songs that pop up.

finally, one that doesn't tear my soul out to write. i'm still kind of reeling from that last one...

1. acidbath - bleed me an ocean
2. jill tracy - just the other side of pain
3. terrorfakt - A.L.F.
4. babes in toyland - he's my thing
5. dean martin - ain't that a kick in the head
6. nick cave and the bad seeds (featuring kylie minogue) - where the wild roses grow
7. szeki kurva - sylvanian families
8. U2 - original of the species
9. deadboy and the elephantmen - blood music
10. cubanate - body burn
Day 09 - How you hope your future will be like.

i hope my future is ripe with success in my career. seriously, i'm going to be close to $100,000 in school debt by the time i'm done with law school, god forbid if i decide to go after my psych phd (add another $70,000), so if i fall flat on my face afterwords i'm screwed.

realistically i'd like to see myself helping people, be it as a lawyer or a behavioral analyst. i'd prefer to be catching bad guys, but i'm not above victim advocacy as a close second. because i have ovaries, i've got a natural ability to be quite ruthless when personal restraint is removed from the equation, so i'd almost feel sorry for whomever would invoke my wrath on behalf of the victims i'd be protecting. this is where corporate law will more than likely come into play, hence wanting to specialize in that as well as criminal law.

i want to own a home one day, maybe. i'm not 100% sure because i don't like to be tied down regionally, and selling a house is a pain in the ass that i'd rather not deal with when relocating. this is my view on kids too. i mean, sometimes i really do think i want kids, but then my sensibility returns and i realize i'm probably not quite mommy material. with nik i kinda fell in line in the maternal role, but i don't know that i could keep that up full-time. my career is incredibly important to me, and i know that my dedication to that fact has the ability to be devastating to a family. better to save any theoretical children from a shitty childhood than subject them to it.

i'd like to be doing well enough in my career that justin could take a break from working, like he's allowed me to do. he's not exactly the college type, but if he chose to i'd totally back him on that, its only fair.

past that i have no idea what the future holds (besides a wheelchair, but i prefer not to think about that...)
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 20th, 2010 03:01 pm)
Day 08 - A moment you felt the most satisfied with your life.

i don't think i've ever felt totally satisfied with my life. i always think "i could be doing better..." its a curse and a driving force at the same time. a curse because it sucks to think you could always be doing better, but a driving force because you *want* to do better. i feel like i'm always looking toward that next step, i can't be happy just staying complacent and floating along, i've always got to be pushing forward to something. there's always the next level, and until i reach it, i won't be satisfied. and when i do reach it, the satisfaction is fleeting at best because i'm already strategically plotting my next plan of attack. the wheels are always turning i guess. maybe that's what satisfies me? constantly moving forward?

meh, i don't really have a lot to say on this one...
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 19th, 2010 03:22 pm)
Day 07 - Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.

i'm an aquarius. according to some crazy lady's website this is what that means.

i am *so* not a believer in astrology (which is funny because its almost a goddamn religion to my mom). i don't care if my saturn's moon is rising or my sun is in my anus or whatever.

first of all, this shit is like fortune cookies, there's always a way for it to become somewhat applicable to your life if you dig deep enough, or make enough convoluted assumptions. schizophrenics are particularly good with these connections...

* Because of their high focus on intellectual exploration, many inventors, eccentrics and highly original trailblazers are born under this sign. Their intense ability to live on many mental levels, holds both pain and pleasure for Aquarians. For example, in the American Hall of Fame there are more Aquarians than any other sign, yet statistics reveal that in mental institutions there are more Aquarians than any other sign too.

as i am currently unable to find any valid statistical analysis that is even mildly generalizable to the population or has any proven empirical basis, i'm going to have to speculate on this. from a general internet search it appears that the most popular zodiac sign people are born under is actually two signs: capricorn and aquarius. so, taking that in the general population that a larger percentage of people are of these two signs, in any smaller sample this trend would also prevail. think about it like this: you made lemonade, its 3 parts water, 2 parts sugar and 1 part lemon juice when you make it in the pitcher. now, when you pour it into a glass, does that composition change? nope, you've still got your 3:2:1 ratio.

now, as for what the two signs are... they are both primarily january signs. think about what months are roughly 9 months before the time of these two signs... april/may, right? what happens in april/may? spring. what also happens in april/may that is celebrated by many different religions, the pagans in particular? large quantities of sex, in other words, celebration of fertility. so if everyone is gettin' it on in these months, chances are the kid is going to be born in this time period. its a very popular time period to be born, just because of this factor alone... it has nothing to do with mystical personality traits as to why we're prevalent, its because there's just more of us.

* But in everyday terms, most Aquarians are extremely humanitarian and often involved in social programs that assist others. They can also be objective in judgement, for they never let their emotions get in the way. Outgoing and amiable, Aquarians attract friends wherever they go and those whom Aquarians befriend have their unswerving loyalty.

is this really something unique to only this sign? i mean really. i know i most certainly don't make friends wherever i go, at least not anymore. when i was a half naked drunk, fuck yeah people wanted to be around me just to see what would happen next, but now that i'm a bit more... reserved, there's probably only about a handful of people that would actually like to hang out with my socially awkward ass on a regular basis.

* Aquarians are the zodiac's most mysterious and unusual people - and no two are anything alike. Those born under this sign - ruled by innovative and non-conformist Uranus - march to the beat of their own drum. They see life in a different way. Others quite frequently think their habits and ideas are eccentric or crazy in some way, but it is this uniqueness that makes them so special.

see? my sun *is* in my anus! everyone likes to think they march to the beat of their own drummer, and most people do, that's what makes us individuals. now, i feel this applies to me not because i'm an aquarius, but because my asperger's makes me wired quite a bit differently than most. i'm incredibly literal and don't really handle metaphors too well because i try to envision them literally and get lost. people do often find my habits strange, but i've developed them the way they are for a reason. it was a conscious effort, not some mystical prowess. i have certain routines i stick to, again because of the asperger's, and we thrive on that shit. secondly i suffer from bipolar I disorder and major depressive disorder. anyone who has had any experience with these knows that structure and routine are key to not flipping your shit on a regular basis. that routine can change depending on the person, but as long as its consistent in performance its pretty safe to say you'll keep yourself in check.

* Aquarians are happiest when they have "something" to believe in and nurture.

derp, really? i thought most people found solace in having no real purpose or motivations. wow, i must be a beautiful and unique snowflake. thank god my parents banged in spring to make me this super different-than-everyone-else person that i am!

oh but wait! i was born on a cusp, meaning that i have *both* capricorn and aquarius traits. so i'm an eccentric and inventive control freak that demands structure in my unpredictable but well calculated ways who is also ridiculously organized. wait a minute... that actually does describe me... shit...
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 16th, 2010 01:15 am)
Day 04 - Your views on religion.

my mother once told me that religion is for people who are afraid of going to hell, and spirituality is for those of us who have been there. i see the point in that, that being introspective as far as the meaning of life is more of an acquired skill than just blindly following what you're told. religion is something that personally frightens me. and i don't mean "oooh, look how cool and anti-establishment i am! fuck religion! hail satan!!" kind of fright, but panic attack when i thought i had to go to church kind of frightened.

early on, my mother was really cool about religion. she's pagan, but she wanted me to learn as much as i could about every religion so that i could make an informed decision as to which way to go. seeing how i was reading shakespeare in the third grade, the bible wasn't a far stretch for me. what was strange to me was that people dedicate their lives to these fables, and some of the things i read were so bigoted and arcane that i couldn't believe anyone with any intellect would believe this nonsense, let alone live their lives around it, word for word. i should probably take this moment to remind my faithful readers of my asperger's and uber literal sense of the world growing up.

i always found myself far more fascinated by things that could be proven, tangible evidence of life. when i was probably about 4 or 5 my dad started teaching me about chemistry. he explained to me what an atom was, said that they're like little solar systems that make up everything in the world. that night he found me huddled up in my room bawling my eyes out. when he asked me what was wrong, i apparently told him that i was scared we were all going to die. if everything in our world was made up of tiny solar systems, what's to say our solar system isn't an atom in a giant's toenail? if he clips it we'll all die! so yeah, having an existential crisis at 4 or 5 years old (you should have seen when he taught me about heisenberg's uncertainty principle and the observer effect... i was afraid to move or look at anything for about a week).

things like that seem quite a bit more plausible to me than some entity like in revelations. i'm not too sure i'd be down with a god who's got a sword coming out of his mouth...

i mean, i'd like to believe there's a higher power, some driving force behind us all, but i just cannot force myself to believe this. i've gone rounds with people over this and have learned its better to just not say anything and let them live on their happy cloud. i don't believe in a soul, i don't believe in ghosts, i don't believe that god has a plan for us all. i feel like its all just justification for shitty things that happen, an external locus of control, and that's fine for people who want to live that way. i prefer to take a more realistic approach. instead of "oh, i have AS and will probably die before most of the people i know, but that's just god's way of telling me i need to buckle down and get stuff done while i still can!" i'm more of a "i have AS because of shitty genetics and rampant autoimmune disorders in my family on both sides. whooptie shit. now where's my beer?" i guess i just take more comfort in knowing the real and logical explanations instead of the convoluted fairy tales that build up religion.

but you know, for those who are into it, its comforting, and i'm cool with that. its like a security blanket, and i totally respect that. if someone is really and truly convinced that god has a plan for them, then keep on believing that, especially if its saving you from crippling depression or something similarly difficult. sometimes i wish that i could be like that, but then my mind kicks in and i analyze and tear apart everything until i get an explanation. its exhausting, depressing and sometimes i wish i could just turn it off. but i have this pet peeve about half-assing things, so saying "oh, i didn't get the job because god has other plans" makes me want to rip my eyeballs out and feed them to badgers.
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 15th, 2010 12:31 pm)
Day 03 - Your views on drugs and alcohol.

i guess its kind of a mixed bag for me. everything in moderation, but certain things... certain things you don't do to do in moderation. meth for example. people don't typically just do a little meth and go about their life, people do meth for a reason, why else would you shove that crap up your nose/smoke it? you have no idea what is in that shit, yet you're doing it - therefore it must be important to you to get that high, and behavior like that is certainly not prone to moderation. i suppose anything taken to extremes in this category is damaging, the question is, where is that line drawn? is a bump here, a toke there really where it ends?

see, most addictive substances increase dopamine, sometimes 10 fold, which is a key player in the reward system in your brain. for a great deal of people, this rush is too much to give up, not really realizing that they're damaging the dopamine receptors and seriously inhibiting their brain's capacity to utilize it on its own. in that sense i'd want to take the "drugs are bad, mmkay?" stance because brain damage is typically a bad thing. but people are pleasure-seeking creatures, so you can't just lump everything into a general conglomeration of drugs are bad. i mean, cocaine was once seen as a wonder drug, many pain medicines have an incredibly similar chemical make up to heroin, pot is used in the treatment of a spectrum of disorders. so who can ultimately designate what's bad and what isn't?

personally, i'll stick to the drugs i'm prescribed. but just because my pill popping is medically necessary and regulated does not make me better than joe blow who hits a bong to relax from a shitty day. i guess pot is a sticking point for me. i don't personally do it, but i've seen it help many people in many ways. for instance, my brother has a fairly aggressive form of MS. they gave him copaxone for the disease and a muscle relaxer for the symptoms, but that just makes him sick. give him his bag of weed and ten minutes alone and he's virtually pain free and quite a bit less miserable.

on the flip side i've seen drugs turn from recreational to an obsession. i know someone personally that decided to immerse themselves in meth instead of dealing with the shitty things happening in their life, and hid it from everyone they cared about, when it was found out they nearly lost everything because of it. my mother was an alcoholic my entire childhood and has little to no memory of just how awful she made my life growing up. its situations like these that make it hard for me to be pro drug, but situations like the previous paragraph that make it hard to be anti-drug.

it feels like a cop-out to me to say "everything in moderation" but that's seriously how i see it. unfortunately i understand the human condition a little too well to know that moderation is not always an option and will power can be weak. i'll have a beer here and there, but i can admittedly get a little out of control with it if i don't realize the reasons i may be drinking. once it *does* dawn on me it takes quite a bit of will power to drag me back out.

so yeah, i'd say i'm incredibly ambivalent in regards to drugs and alcohol.
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 14th, 2010 12:37 pm)
Day 02 - Where you’d like to be in 10 years.

finished with school finally? i'd like to be a giant step down my chosen career path instead of one i was forced into out of necessity. i started working at CVS as a cashier because it was the only place that would hire me so close to christmas, and i was forced to stay there because it seemed that i had to support people who couldn't or wouldn't pay their share of things. at one point i was offered a fellowship in a schizophrenia research project at the cleveland clinic that could have padded my CV so nicely, but i had to turn it down because i had to support my household, and the fellowship only paid $7 an hour. it's a decision i have not stopped lamenting since. my boss at CVS was a terrific guy, and he made sure i advanced in this glamorous retail career of mine. i eventually dropped out of school because school wasn't paying the bills, and neither was my significant other or his 2 year old, so i found myself with a family to support and gave up any aspirations for something better. i just kept chugging up that corporate food chain.

then something happened.

with justin and i talking more frequently on a friendship level when he moved back from LA, he let me vent about this, and it was the first time i had talked about it to ANYONE. joey was a good guy, and he had enough pain with the passing of his father, so i didn't want to lay it all down on him. and nik was 2 years old... probably not going to go out and get a job... i slowly realized that i had given up my dreams and goals for a relationship i got nothing from, and i was quite spiteful. these are the mechanics that ended that relationship, just one of the many aspects i realized through finally being able to talk about it all. eventually i took a management position at gamestop and ended up with the worst boss i had ever had in all my years of employment. justin's salary allowed me to quit and relax for the first time since... jeeze, lakewood (though i wouldn't call recovering from a psychotic break "relaxing")? it was during this time that justin helped me figure out what i really wanted to do since i'd lost sight of it. he would ask me questions like "well, what makes you happy? what can you see yourself doing the rest of your life?" and it was at this point a plan began to form.

when his grandmother died, she left money for me to pay off what i owed kent state so i could finish my undergrad. education was incredibly important to her, especially since she hadn't gotten one. she was really into female empowerment, and that no woman should have to rely on a man, even if that man was her grandson. she also had faith in me, always marveled at how "smart" i was and lamented that i was wasting it in retail. i learned about what it would take to pursue a career in behavior analysis in certain law enforcement circles and now... 2 semesters of 4.0 later (well, this past semester is a guess, but 3 out of 5 classes are A's so the odds are good) i'm on my way. i took a practice LSAT (the law school admissions test) and got a 178. the most you can get is 180. i'm thinking my chances are pretty good.

its not that i want to see blood and gore and unspeakable acts of violence, its that i feel i have the skills to throw these depraved people in prison, or to get them the help they needed that they wouldn't have gotten without intervention. and yanno, if i fail at getting that far, i'll still be a lawyer, and that's one hell of a fall back. i plan on pursuing corporate and criminal law. each of which will have a future unless we're invaded by another country and all the laws are changed. then i'll be fucked, lol.

so i guess in 10 years, i picture myself as a law enforcement agent catching and putting away the worst of the bad guys (which is the goal). if not, i picture myself practicing law, either in the criminal or corporate sector, and hopefully making enough money that justin can relax the way his success in his career allowed me to in order to get my head on strait. either way i want to continue my education in social psychology once i've established a way of paying for it. i've been incredibly fascinated by this field and love the fact that it explains things about people that my asperger's has blocked me from comprehending naturally.

i would just rather have a career that is both lucrative and fulfilling, not misery driven like retail was. in retail, customers see you as their bitch. they say and do things to you they'd NEVER say and do to anyone else. one that sticks out in my mind in particular is a girl SCREAMING at the top of her lungs at me: "I'M not happy, what are YOU going to do to MAKE me happy?!" you know what she was pissed about? i dunno if you've ever seen those "sliding robots" on the as seen on TV circuit (they're little things you put under furniture to make it easier to move), but they were advertised as being on sale, and we were sold out. the store not even 7 miles down the road had them, and she refused to drive there because she came to MY store, and was demanding she get what she came for. the saddest part? she couldn't have been more than 20 years old... i understand that any time you put yourself in a position of service you run the risk of being someone's bitch, but that was just degrading because i couldn't punch the twat in the mouth.
sprinklethief: (Default)
( Dec. 13th, 2010 09:30 am)
Day 01 - Your current relationship

justin... where to begin? justin and i have known each other for the better part of almost 15 years. we lost touch briefly in our early 20's, but found each other during a really horrible time in my life. my relationship had just ended and i was abandoned in cleveland, i was recovering from a pretty bad snap of bipolar whirlwind suckfest, quitting real estate (just in time as it turned out) and getting ready to try to go back to school and finish my degree. on top of that my body was out of control with malfunctions, throwing up blood, random fainting and seizures, crippling back pain and all kinds of fun. i dropped 80 lbs in a matter of months, my hair was coming out by the handful and i went into hiding from almost everyone. there were very few people i kept in contact with, and justin was one of them. he talked me through everything, helping me decide to return to school, coming over and hanging out with me when i was adjusting to living alone for the first time in my life and being there for me in general. it was at this time when we half-jokingly made a pact - when we were finally done failing over and over again at relationships, we were going to get married since we already knew we loved each other.

we remained incredibly close through the years, often making whomever i was in a relationship with uncomfortable. i hadn't really thought about being together, he was just one of my best friends. i *did* admittedly find him incredibly hot (exibit a, exibit b) but i honestly never really thought to pursue him, i didn't think he thought i was attractive let alone relationship material... so one relationship crashed and burned, another was being kept alive on life support when he helped me through trying to end it with as little fallout as possible. he didn't go out without kicking and screaming, making it even more difficult, but justin was there for me through it. we eventually noticed that we were spending nearly every day together, so we decided to give it a go. a few months later, we were planning my annual halloween bash when he said "hey, aren't we supposed to get married now?!" remembering our pact. so we did. it was a surprise wedding, a mad tea party.

we've been married now for just over a year. we've hit some pretty shitty times, living in an apartment we were horribly mislead about in a neighborhood i couldn't safely walk to my own car by myself in. his grandmother who raised him dying was a horrible blow to him and he fell into a deep depression that almost killed us. shortly thereafter the grandfather who's home he had been living in when we met passed away. one of his "friends" caused some MAJOR problems as well, but we survived it, all the more strong, all the more in love with each other.

now? we're an unstoppable duo. we've regained our original balance after a year of unfortunate situation after unfortunate situation, and i feel like we've emerged even stronger. he's the mickey to my mallory, the sailor to my lula. he's sometimes my only driving force, and he's a total inspiration to me. he never finished high school, dropping out and getting his GED. he has very little formal training in his field, and yet he's an incredible success in it - enough of one that i am able to not work and focus only on schooling. to see what he came from, what he's overcome and what he's become - i can't help but be inspired to keep my head down and push forward, no matter which part of my spine fails, or which joint freezes. with his moral support i've got one semester of 4.0 under my belt, and this semester is looking as though it will be following suit. he loves my father, often helping him with projects and talking politics for hours on end with him. he knows how to handle my deviant criminal brother, and how to weather my insanity. i'm not saying we're perfect, but we are an incredible match, and i love him dearly.