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not only is december 11th the day of my surgery, not only is it joeys birthday...
it is now officially the day of his visitation pre-trial, 3 hours away from where we live. he won't be able to be there before OR after my surgery, might not even make it home in time for visiting hours.
ask me how happy i am. go ahead. ask.
sometimes i think i'm better off in life by myself, that way other people's stuff doesn't hurt me. i had a boyfriend once tell me that they wanted to break up because they wanted to be alone. even though that eventually translated into "i want to stick my penis into as many chicks as humanly possible before i die" i can now clearly understand the original preface, even if it was a lie. its not that i don't love joey, i do. it's like with wyl - i just want to be alone. i don't have the energy, the stamina nor the health to give another person what they deserve in a relationship. i don't even have it in me to live my own life, and it takes everything i have to share what little of it there is. often times i stay in bed and sleep for literally days on end, coming out only when joey's not home because i know i can't offer up what he needs in a relationship. i've told him many times that i wouldn't be offended if he wanted to leave since i'm so crippled and lifeless, and each time he says that he loves me and that he's staying with me no matter what.
sometimes i wonder if that's really the healthy thing to do.
i can see in his eyes that he wishes i was as active and happy as i was mere months ago. i know he wants me to go ride BMX or skateboard, but truth be told, i haven't the energy or the physical ability anymore. we can only have sex 2 - 3 times a week (as opposed to our usual almost every night) anymore, sometimes less, which i know affects him though he swears it doesn't. i just feel like a let down. i feel like he deserves so much better than what i can give him. hence wanting to just be alone so that the only person who has to suffer my misery is myself.
maybe things will change after i'm healed up. maybe i'll be as happy to be alive as i was when my back finally healed, but i'm not holding my breath.
it is now officially the day of his visitation pre-trial, 3 hours away from where we live. he won't be able to be there before OR after my surgery, might not even make it home in time for visiting hours.
ask me how happy i am. go ahead. ask.
sometimes i think i'm better off in life by myself, that way other people's stuff doesn't hurt me. i had a boyfriend once tell me that they wanted to break up because they wanted to be alone. even though that eventually translated into "i want to stick my penis into as many chicks as humanly possible before i die" i can now clearly understand the original preface, even if it was a lie. its not that i don't love joey, i do. it's like with wyl - i just want to be alone. i don't have the energy, the stamina nor the health to give another person what they deserve in a relationship. i don't even have it in me to live my own life, and it takes everything i have to share what little of it there is. often times i stay in bed and sleep for literally days on end, coming out only when joey's not home because i know i can't offer up what he needs in a relationship. i've told him many times that i wouldn't be offended if he wanted to leave since i'm so crippled and lifeless, and each time he says that he loves me and that he's staying with me no matter what.
sometimes i wonder if that's really the healthy thing to do.
i can see in his eyes that he wishes i was as active and happy as i was mere months ago. i know he wants me to go ride BMX or skateboard, but truth be told, i haven't the energy or the physical ability anymore. we can only have sex 2 - 3 times a week (as opposed to our usual almost every night) anymore, sometimes less, which i know affects him though he swears it doesn't. i just feel like a let down. i feel like he deserves so much better than what i can give him. hence wanting to just be alone so that the only person who has to suffer my misery is myself.
maybe things will change after i'm healed up. maybe i'll be as happy to be alive as i was when my back finally healed, but i'm not holding my breath.
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From:
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I am sick a lot, I can't do active things, and I go bat shit crazy and scare him. I tell him I would understand if he left, that it isn't healthy for him to stay but he doesn't listen. I feel selfish sometimes staying with him b/c I feel he would be happier with a more normal and healthy person.
He says he wishes I was better and healthy, but not for him, but for myself so I could be happier.
It looks like we both have faithful stubborn partners.
From:
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