(no subject)

[sprinklethief]

i really need to figure out what this whole wanting to be left alone thing is all about. i woke up to go to work when one of the other managers texted me to see if she could have my shift, and then i got all pissed off because joey woke up and came out in the living room and just sat there. i was planning on just sitting out here alone, enjoying this quiet time of day where neighbors aren't running amuck, no trucks or other noise from the shops around us. instead of being excited to have some time with my boyfriend i would rather just be alone. sometimes i don't go to bed until he leaves for work because i don't want to share the bed with anyone, i just want to be alone. its not just him though. i don't really call, text or IM anyone because i don't feel like socializing. i really don't talk to anyone at work because i don't want to put the effort in to have a conversation. i literally communicate in 1-5 word sentences as much as possible.

i don't know what it is. i don't feel like putting in the effort it takes for me to behave normally, i don't really have much to say. i don't connect with anyone, which has been an ongoing problem through most of my life. the few people i have managed to connect with over the years ended up hurting me in one form or another. i just don't really want any interpersonal relationships. it's not because i don't like people, it's just that i don't... feel like it i guess. i don't have what a relationship of any kind needs right now for some reason. i think it'd be easier for someone to connect with a rock that it would be to connect with me.

i'm not really depressed. i'm not happy either. i just... really don't feel much of anything - i'm just really... i dunno, anhedonic?

i sent joey to the store so i can be alone for at least a little while today. i know he needs a lot of attention, and i find myself feeling guilty that i don't have it, that i don't really have the capacity to have it. he doesn't quite grasp that "i just want to be alone" doesn't mean "i hate you go away" no matter how many times i tell him that he's done nothing wrong and i'm not mad. i find myself resentful sometimes because i can't tell him to leave me alone without hurting his feelings. i kind of want to break up just so i don't have to try to navigate my life around not hurting someone with my banality, but i know i'd regret it if i lost him over it. we live together too so breaking up would be a giant ordeal, especially if it were only temporary. i really miss living alone, it was the most functional i had ever felt, and i didn't have to worry about entertaining anyone.

i hope this passes. i don't think they make drugs to make you feel, they only make drugs that do just the opposite.

Comments

[nemesisn72.livejournal.com]

I know that there have been times where I really don't want to talk to anyone. I think that the desire to withdraw, to recharge the battery so to speak, is normal. Especially when you are so tired and in so much pain that it takes what little energy you have left to deal with others. The fact that you work a job that forces you to deal with people probably only exacerbates the problem. Plus, living in such a small space with someone can take it's toll. I know what it's like dealing with significant others who feel like you're mad at them or whatever when all you really want is just some time to unwind, breath, and focus on yourself fully for a bit.

Having crawled into a cave and become almost a total recluse at certain times in my life, I understand that need. It can be a very necessary thing to do, and I find it hard to believe that there are people in this world who don't feel that way. I know that there are, but it boggles my mind.

I don't think ending the relationship is the answer though sweetie. Hang in there until your surgery and see how things go. If you find some physical relief then you might find some emotional peace as well. I wish I could help you take a little retreat somewhere, even if only for a few days.

I always thought we connected rather well too, btw.

Much love. xoxo

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i just wish that people who get mad at me for being withdrawn or less than social could live in my head for a few days. i wish i could put them in the spectrum of pain i'm always in for maybe like a week so that they can run the full gamut from livable but distracting to full-on incapacitated and confined to your bed with a bottle of percocet so you can sleep. i think if i could do that, i'd have a better time navigating interpersonal relationships because they'd know what it's like and cut me a little more slack. i know it's selfish to expect people to let me slack in relationships, but i am tired of beating myself up over it.

i know i sound like a broken record, but i'm just hurting so much of the time. no, you know what? all of the time. i'm always in some level of pain. it really just sucks your energy like you said, you struggle so hard day to day and people just expect you to be okay with this. i mean, i *do* have good days, but i have a feeling that what i consider a "good" day would most likely be considered severe by a normal person.

aside from that, i just wish people that care so much about me that they get mad when i'm emotionally unavailable (and i *do* understand why) could know the level which i'm struggling.

and you are one of the few that have NEVER punished me for being how i am. in fact, i remember several occasions that you came up to me and wyl's attic room in vince's house and laid in bed with me and cuddled when i originally hurt my back and watched TV with me (and doing your aquateen hunger force carl impression, LOLOLOLZ!!!), and i didn't have to carry on a conversation or be entertaining.

come to think of it, vince was another person who was just so incredibly understating about my plight. i think wyl's head would have exploded had i cuddled with him tho.

[nemesisn72.livejournal.com]

MY head would have exploded if you had cuddled with him!

lol

I know it's probably no where near what you go through every day, but my girly parts have been giving me so much trouble that I'm down for days now, so I have at least a small understanding of what it's like for other people to expect you to just be all happy and normal and be able to run a freaking marathon at a moment's notice or something when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and sob. Or just pass out.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i think a lot of people can identify with it. i try to explain it as compared to a really bad flu. think of your energy level and cheer level, how you feel, how miserable you are.

that's pretty much every day for me.

the 11th can't come soon enough :(

[ciani.livejournal.com]

It sounds to me like you're depressed. It comes in many different forms. And it's entirely understandable. A whole lot of crap has been going on with you right now.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

the more i think about it the more i think i might be at the actual clinical definition of anhedonic...