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i really need to figure out what this whole wanting to be left alone thing is all about. i woke up to go to work when one of the other managers texted me to see if she could have my shift, and then i got all pissed off because joey woke up and came out in the living room and just sat there. i was planning on just sitting out here alone, enjoying this quiet time of day where neighbors aren't running amuck, no trucks or other noise from the shops around us. instead of being excited to have some time with my boyfriend i would rather just be alone. sometimes i don't go to bed until he leaves for work because i don't want to share the bed with anyone, i just want to be alone. its not just him though. i don't really call, text or IM anyone because i don't feel like socializing. i really don't talk to anyone at work because i don't want to put the effort in to have a conversation. i literally communicate in 1-5 word sentences as much as possible.
i don't know what it is. i don't feel like putting in the effort it takes for me to behave normally, i don't really have much to say. i don't connect with anyone, which has been an ongoing problem through most of my life. the few people i have managed to connect with over the years ended up hurting me in one form or another. i just don't really want any interpersonal relationships. it's not because i don't like people, it's just that i don't... feel like it i guess. i don't have what a relationship of any kind needs right now for some reason. i think it'd be easier for someone to connect with a rock that it would be to connect with me.
i'm not really depressed. i'm not happy either. i just... really don't feel much of anything - i'm just really... i dunno, anhedonic?
i sent joey to the store so i can be alone for at least a little while today. i know he needs a lot of attention, and i find myself feeling guilty that i don't have it, that i don't really have the capacity to have it. he doesn't quite grasp that "i just want to be alone" doesn't mean "i hate you go away" no matter how many times i tell him that he's done nothing wrong and i'm not mad. i find myself resentful sometimes because i can't tell him to leave me alone without hurting his feelings. i kind of want to break up just so i don't have to try to navigate my life around not hurting someone with my banality, but i know i'd regret it if i lost him over it. we live together too so breaking up would be a giant ordeal, especially if it were only temporary. i really miss living alone, it was the most functional i had ever felt, and i didn't have to worry about entertaining anyone.
i hope this passes. i don't think they make drugs to make you feel, they only make drugs that do just the opposite.
i don't know what it is. i don't feel like putting in the effort it takes for me to behave normally, i don't really have much to say. i don't connect with anyone, which has been an ongoing problem through most of my life. the few people i have managed to connect with over the years ended up hurting me in one form or another. i just don't really want any interpersonal relationships. it's not because i don't like people, it's just that i don't... feel like it i guess. i don't have what a relationship of any kind needs right now for some reason. i think it'd be easier for someone to connect with a rock that it would be to connect with me.
i'm not really depressed. i'm not happy either. i just... really don't feel much of anything - i'm just really... i dunno, anhedonic?
i sent joey to the store so i can be alone for at least a little while today. i know he needs a lot of attention, and i find myself feeling guilty that i don't have it, that i don't really have the capacity to have it. he doesn't quite grasp that "i just want to be alone" doesn't mean "i hate you go away" no matter how many times i tell him that he's done nothing wrong and i'm not mad. i find myself resentful sometimes because i can't tell him to leave me alone without hurting his feelings. i kind of want to break up just so i don't have to try to navigate my life around not hurting someone with my banality, but i know i'd regret it if i lost him over it. we live together too so breaking up would be a giant ordeal, especially if it were only temporary. i really miss living alone, it was the most functional i had ever felt, and i didn't have to worry about entertaining anyone.
i hope this passes. i don't think they make drugs to make you feel, they only make drugs that do just the opposite.