never been so non-depressed suicidal in my life...

[sprinklethief]

i've actually seriously been welcoming death for about 2 months now. i seriously don't think i can handle a life in this much pain and misery physically. i'm not actually suicidal, but i'm not totally opposed to dropping dead either.

apparently i have athsma now. wanna guess how excited i am about that? go ahead. guess. i beg of you.

not only that, but my symptoms haven't really improved much with any of the meds. the inhaler just helps me cough harder to break up the non-existent crap in my lungs. doc wants to send me to a pulminologist since they feel that this is too much for their facilities. great.

aside from that, my joints and muscles are so horribly sore. i keep getting knots in strange places, like behind my collar bone and in my achilles tendon. walking takes all the effort i have sometimes. i'm so over this shit. seriously. all the lymph nodes on the right side of my body have been slightly swollen for about 6 weeks now, but no one seems to find that important. whatever.


needless to say, sleep does not come often, nor easy. my energy level is just a few notches below non-existent. thank god for adderall.

someone who's been on my mind a great deal lately (i think i mentioned them haunting me in my dreams in another post) contacted me out of the blue after 2 years of silence. seriously, wtf? i have seriously mixed feelings toward them, love and adoration vs. spite and anger. we have always had an on-again-off-again existence, but the last off-again hurt me more deeply than i let on. none-the-less it was interesting to see how they've been. their life was always beyond charmed and privileged which is something i've always envied and admired at the same time. just seeing their picture threw me for a serious loop though. some people will always have the power to do that to you, and this person is definitely one of them. even at 70 years old they'll probably still have that effect for me.

eh, i have to go meet my mom for lunch. here's to hoping for a lightning strike or a runaway semi trailer.

Comments

[indy-skies.livejournal.com]

*shrugs* i don't know. hope the pulminologist is helpful. take care!