never been so non-depressed suicidal in my life...

[sprinklethief]

i've actually seriously been welcoming death for about 2 months now. i seriously don't think i can handle a life in this much pain and misery physically. i'm not actually suicidal, but i'm not totally opposed to dropping dead either.

apparently i have athsma now. wanna guess how excited i am about that? go ahead. guess. i beg of you.

not only that, but my symptoms haven't really improved much with any of the meds. the inhaler just helps me cough harder to break up the non-existent crap in my lungs. doc wants to send me to a pulminologist since they feel that this is too much for their facilities. great.

aside from that, my joints and muscles are so horribly sore. i keep getting knots in strange places, like behind my collar bone and in my achilles tendon. walking takes all the effort i have sometimes. i'm so over this shit. seriously. all the lymph nodes on the right side of my body have been slightly swollen for about 6 weeks now, but no one seems to find that important. whatever.


needless to say, sleep does not come often, nor easy. my energy level is just a few notches below non-existent. thank god for adderall.

someone who's been on my mind a great deal lately (i think i mentioned them haunting me in my dreams in another post) contacted me out of the blue after 2 years of silence. seriously, wtf? i have seriously mixed feelings toward them, love and adoration vs. spite and anger. we have always had an on-again-off-again existence, but the last off-again hurt me more deeply than i let on. none-the-less it was interesting to see how they've been. their life was always beyond charmed and privileged which is something i've always envied and admired at the same time. just seeing their picture threw me for a serious loop though. some people will always have the power to do that to you, and this person is definitely one of them. even at 70 years old they'll probably still have that effect for me.

eh, i have to go meet my mom for lunch. here's to hoping for a lightning strike or a runaway semi trailer.

Comments

[daliah.livejournal.com]

if your lung issues are from the mold, it will not go away until the mold does. do you feel better if youre not around it? can you spend a night or two somewhere else and see if it improves?

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i'm sure i could find a place. maybe i'll just rent a cheapy hotel room or something. this is just getting ridiculous. the apartment manager's response? he sent maintenance in (WHILE I WAS SLEEPING!!! joey was awake tho) with aerosol cans with supposed "mold killer" (it looks and smells just like spray paint) and sprayed down our ceilings, once again - while i was sleeping. this triggered a bad athsma attack and white dust all over everything we own. guess how happy i was about that?

[indy-skies.livejournal.com]

man, i'm sorry to hear about the asthma. same thing seemed to happen to me. i was fine and then when i was 16 i developed this weezey cough in my chest for six weeks... the doctor diagnosed asthma, but it's never really played out like i have asthma. if your lymph nodes are swollen and you are having breathing problems i would suggest an allergist/immunologists. people with undiagnosed allergies can have long term health problems because basically it is as if their body is always under attack. their immune system is always over active. makes sure you go to somebody good though... somebody who will do lung tests, environmental allergen tests and food allergen tests. i'd recommend somebody that is willing to give subdermal allergy tests if scratch tests are inconclusive. i had a great allergist in vancouver and my first appointment was two hours long. anyway... you must think i'm trying to pretend i'm a doctor or something. i'm not. i just studied science for a while and i am sort of obsessed with learning about the body. i read an incredible amount of high level medical publications. this doesn't make me a doctor but i do learn things. *is embarrassed for geekery now* anyway. best of luck. the pulminologist should help you out with an allergy diagnosis too. he/she should consider that as a source of your problem.

[indy-skies.livejournal.com]

sorry... the other thing you could do, which is what you will probably end up doing after seeing an allergist anyway is just start taking OTC allergy medication daily. i take something called reatine which i believe is zyrtec in the US and it is what most allergists recommend. it covers indoor and outdoor allergies and things that other drugs don't cover. and it is non-drowsy, unlike benedryl.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i started taking zyrtec on tuesday and it has been helping a ton with my dust allergies (since dust is being kicked up like crazy by the maintenance crew here). my chest problems still prevail tho.

[indy-skies.livejournal.com]

*shrugs* i don't know. hope the pulminologist is helpful. take care!

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i was thinking about asking to be referred to an immunologist too. i'm just so tired of having to put up with this shit - especially since i PAY to live here.

[indy-skies.livejournal.com]

the allergist i saw, who was super good, was certified in both immunology and allergies (?) anyway - maybe you'll find somebody who can do both.