mistakes, revelations

when you make a mistake, it's one thing to feel sorry, even guilty for it. it's another to correct the mistake, to show that you aren't just "sorry" but that you are truly penitential and you will make changes to stop the mistake from ever happening again.

emotions... these are very fickle, vacillating and capricious creatures. how do you grasp hold? how do you learn to control things that can seemingly not be controlled? they affect everyone around you, hurt - fucking maul - people you love with all your heart. the break lives, break spirit...

so becomes another hurtle in the recovery of this illness. i've been able to maintain a level demeanor, to much effort, but i can do it. sometimes it feels second nature, sometimes it feels like i'm trying to hold back a tsunami with a spoon. but now...

real true emotion, for the first time in my life, no illegal substances and alcohol impairing - no, retarding them... they're white-hot and intense, they take you over... how? how do you stop it? how do you become master of yourself? these things grow from within you, yes? so why can you not exhibit one ounce of control over them?

i need to learn self control. i need to begin the next tier of problems. i need to become a better person.
i need to stop hurting the person i love

this is my decree. i will end this destruction. while it may be too late, i refuse to give up until told my efforts are meaningless.

i need to know that i have made an honest and real attempt at mending the heart/spirit/soul i broke. i need to help that soul feel happiness instead of anger, joy instead of hate. i want to make it so when they wake up they're excited to be alive, not wishing for death. i want to return the favour that was given to me.

i need to do this.

(no subject)

omg, my geriatric cat yappa (she's 15) was chasing the screen during the shatner skit in robot chicken. that was probably the funniest thing i've ever seen.