mistakes, revelations

[sprinklethief]

when you make a mistake, it's one thing to feel sorry, even guilty for it. it's another to correct the mistake, to show that you aren't just "sorry" but that you are truly penitential and you will make changes to stop the mistake from ever happening again.

emotions... these are very fickle, vacillating and capricious creatures. how do you grasp hold? how do you learn to control things that can seemingly not be controlled? they affect everyone around you, hurt - fucking maul - people you love with all your heart. the break lives, break spirit...

so becomes another hurtle in the recovery of this illness. i've been able to maintain a level demeanor, to much effort, but i can do it. sometimes it feels second nature, sometimes it feels like i'm trying to hold back a tsunami with a spoon. but now...

real true emotion, for the first time in my life, no illegal substances and alcohol impairing - no, retarding them... they're white-hot and intense, they take you over... how? how do you stop it? how do you become master of yourself? these things grow from within you, yes? so why can you not exhibit one ounce of control over them?

i need to learn self control. i need to begin the next tier of problems. i need to become a better person.
i need to stop hurting the person i love

this is my decree. i will end this destruction. while it may be too late, i refuse to give up until told my efforts are meaningless.

i need to know that i have made an honest and real attempt at mending the heart/spirit/soul i broke. i need to help that soul feel happiness instead of anger, joy instead of hate. i want to make it so when they wake up they're excited to be alive, not wishing for death. i want to return the favour that was given to me.

i need to do this.

Comments

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

I know how hard it is to not freak out on your loved ones when you're having mood swings, especially when you're not used to dealing with them because you've been on drugs.

One of the things I do when this happens is to excuse myself and go to my room or something during the worst of it. When you're by yourself there's no one to treat badly.

Also you can reserve the right to cancel plans at the last minute if you think you're going to fly off the handle, so to speak. Sometimes people will get upset, but if they've had a bad experience with you before, they'll most likely understand if you explain the situation. Because if you go somewhere when you're having difficulty, you're not only harming them, you'll harm yourself.

If you take it slow and don't overwhelm yourself right at first, I think you will be less likely to freak yourself out and have a huge setback (which will be very discouraging and just cause more feelings of self-loathing and completely-out-of-control-ness), or that's how it worked for me, at least.

There's also a Buddhist technique you can use when you've separated yourself from everyone because you're having a hard time. A lot of people think Buddhism is about suppressing all your emotions, but in reality it's about not acting on your worst impulses. What they do is let the feeling build, and wash over them without doing anything harmful to themselves and others, and then let it fade away.

If you can manage it, it's better than stuffing your feelings away, because then you'll have a HUGE blowup later when it all comes rushing out, if you know what I mean.

You might also try and get it across to everyone that your mood swings are not you, but your illness, and that if they realize that it has nothing to do with them (since you'd be doing it no matter who was around, and even if you were alone) maybe they could not take it so personally, because I know a lot of people take it as a personal attack.

If they realize they can just blow it off (you can suggest this approach to them) and it's not directed at them, it can really help, because then the situation doesn't escalate because they're getting all offended and arguing with you because they think you have singled them out. I mean, it's not about them. It's about you. You might be able to pound that into their heads.

Anyway, this is the stuff that helps me, and it's all just suggestions, of course. Your mileage may vary. But maybe it can help? I hope so. I know how awful it is to feel completely out of control and powerless to stop taking things out on the people around you. I really hope you can work it out, because I know you are in a lot of pain.

Take care.

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

Whoa dude, that was a long reply, yikes. I also wanted to say, please don't get down on yourself. It's obvious that you are a considerate person and very thoughtful. I hope you can separate yourself from your illness. You are a good person. Your illness is what's causing the problems. Not you.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i'm trying not to get down on myself, but i need to know that i hurt someone, and i should feel terrible for it.

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I know what you mean. It's good to realize you are causing problems. I just know if I get too down on myself for something I've done, it starts getting counter-productive because all the self-loathing feeds back into everything and just makes it worse.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

not nearly as much as i think i've caused...

i don't understand, i just completely lost control... i used to do that a lot when i was on drugs, but i would black out and come to to people running and screaming...

this was different, it's like i was hiding inside this ferocious person, like i had no control, like screaming to stop inside but outside wouldn't listen...

i'm going to try out a lot of what you said because you've never steared me wrong before...

::sigh:: this sucks.

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

i would black out and come to to people running and screaming...

Oh man is that ever familiar. Ugh. It does suck. I'm surprised you can't feel the suction from here.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

do you ever feel like you're blaming everything on your illness?

i don't know if everything is the illness' fault. it just somehow seems to trivialize the intensity of the situation to me. i dunno, i need to make some bipolar friends around here so i have someone to chat with about things like this..

i mean, even if it is partially the illness, how do you explain it to somone who hears about "the illness" all the time? you hear it so much it sounds more like an excuse than reality.

i just need to make things right and i don't know how :(

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

Well, I do blame some things on it, but I don't use it as an excuse for hurting someone. I apologize when I've done something awful, because I know it makes little difference to the person I've hurt what caused it. I think it can head off arguments sometimes if someone knows that you are not deliberately fucking with them, is all. They can try and take it was less personally.

I don't know what I would say to someone who gets tired of hearing about the illness, other than it is a real thing, and getting on your case about it is about as useful as getting on the case of a blind person because they can't see. Neither one of those actions are going to help anything.

I know it sounds like an excuse to a lot of people because it's a mental thing, and they can't see the damage, and they think if you just buckled down or whatever that you would be fine.

That's a very damaging thing for someone to be telling you, however, because if you start to believe it you might end up going off your meds and doing yourself harm. With an illness that can cause you to commit suicide or become paranoid and delusional and hurt other people, that is not a safe thing to do.

It's like when you see on the news, so-and-so had a "history of mental illness" and killed someone. You don't want to be that person. I mean, as an extreme case of unmedicated mayhem, I once attacked someone with a razor blade in a fit of paranoia. I can guarantee that was not something I would do under normal circumstances. That can be blamed on the illness. If I had been arrested, however, I would have to take the consequences anyone else would.

So it's not necessarily an excuse to blame it on the illness because you still have to deal with the consequences. It's not like a "get out of jail free" card. It just helps to explain certain behaviors so people have a clue what is going on. Because I am not a sociopathic hateful person who wants other people to die, I am a normally very compassionate person whose illness drove them to an extreme because my medication wasn't working. Or at least, that's the way I look at it. But, as I said above, I have to deal with the fallout, and if I killed someone, they would be dead no matter why I did it.

It's bad chemistry, not willful hatefulness. It's a difference of intent. I don't think you or I intend to hurt anyone. People still get hurt and we have to deal with it, but we don't need to think it is because we are evil. Once again, that's the way I look at it.

It's a fine line you have to walk, because I have seen less scrupulous people use this stuff to get away with murder and then claim they had no control over themselves. Because just like with any other coping skill, it can be misused.

Sometimes I don't know how to make things right either. I do know that if someone chooses to live in a fantasy world where you are not ill and just making excuses, there is little you can do, and sometimes you have to cut them loose. Especially if they seem determined to force their world view onto you, which can convince you to stop treatment.

That's about the most harmful thing you can do to someone bipolar. It's like telling a blind person to walk into traffice because if they really wanted to they could see. Bipolar illness is real and pretending it's not there is not helpful to anyone. It hurts you, and it might even hurt them if they are around at the wrong time and you flip out.

I'm sorry you don't know how to make things right. I don't know either, other than to apologize profusely and try harder not to take this stuff out on anyone. It's really hard though. Please keep at it though, it's worthwhile. I promise.

These days I have things under control and more often that not I don't hate everything. I have a good time and I can leave the house without worrying that I will injure someone or act crazy. I only seem to be upset all the time because that's mainly when I make lj entries, as part of my strategy of not dumping my angst onto my loved ones. Over here people can choose to avoid it, which isn't true if I freak out in real life and dump this onto my sweetie.

[transmission00.livejournal.com]

i hope things work out in the end. kinda hard for me to say much since i don't entirely know what is going on. but you can get through it. have faith. and i don't believe you intended to hurt anyone either. we all slip up. even those that aren't ill. they aren't fucking perfect either.

i wish i had something more insightful to say. ..