what the fuck is goin on???

[sprinklethief]

okay, it's 4am and i have to be at the psych lab (ironically) at 11. why am i awake you might ask...

so all day i've been having all sorts of weird body and mind issues. i woke up with a searing pain in my chest (which has been going on for about a month, but it was particularly bad today) and not really able to take deep breaths. later started the palpitations (that's when your heart feels like it hiccups, correct?), pain in my right shoulder blade and bottom of my rib cage (which also clicks). then the smokers rolled in. i don't smoke, but there were three people pretty much chain smoking here today watching TV. after a while i started feeling faint and i could hardly breathe so i went into the bedroom where i believe i passed out for a short while. so there's that. also joint pain, mostly in my feet and knees but that's been going on for a little over a year now. i haven't been taking my stomach meds because i don't have them, so i've had fun with GERD all week. i've also been throwing up pretty much anything i eat.

meanwhile, in my diseased brain a fun little game has been going on. we had the TV on most of the day today. well every once in a while i'd here a voice like a little radio was somewhere in the apartment. i felt as if it might not be in the TV after i heard it through a few different programs and did the whole rewind (we have a dvr) to check if it was in the show. you know it wasn't. now usually my auditory hallucinations are few and far between, and they're usually like someone left a TV on in another room or like there's people chattering quietly in the next room. rarely do i have a voice talking AT me, and this radio guy was most certainly talking at me (you know, the imaginary radio with the voice?) but i couldn't make out what he was saying (i never can when i hear stuff).

emotion-wise i've been in strange states of being. i've emotionally detached myself from situations that have upset me in the past week or so (except Yappa. she deserves to have her mourning from me) so as not to emotionally skew them and try to think objectively what i'm going to do about them. being emotionally detached though seems like a comfortable state for me, which is weird because i used to be such an emotionally charged person, but over the years it's been waning, maybe due to how many times i've been hurt/betrayed/screwed over and what-have-you. i wouldn't say i'm emotion-less by any stretch of the imagination, but i'm certainly lacking, and i'm finding myself avoiding situations where someone may become my friend somehow because i just don't want to deal with having to explain myself to a new person. i know me, that's really all that matters.

meds-wise i've had to go off of my mood stabilizer (topomax) due to severely aggravating my ADD. I had my antidepressant (wellbutrin) raised because it was a few weeks before the Yappa thing and i knew i was going to be destroyed over it. also, about two months ago i had a beta-blocker (inderal) added to the mix as preventative measures for my earth-shattering migraines. i also take a birth control pill (ortho novum 7/7/7) because i have polycystic ovary syndrome. i also take a b-complex and a multivitamin. so there's all that mess. adderal may be added very shortly. nexium will be re-added as soon as i can get that catastrophe straitened out.

does anybody have any idea what the hell is going on with me (i know i have a few fellow whack jobs and some people with medical knowledge on my friends list but still feel free to speculate if you don't fit into either of those catergories)?!?

Comments

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

Sounds to me like anxiety from hell compounded by grief. After my mom died I went through similar stuff, almost exactly what you're describing.

Sorry you're doing it too, it sucks.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

hmm, i have some atarax, maybe i should try to take that to chill a bit. i don't feel anxious though, i don't think... i'm not entirely sure that i'm not though.

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

I dunno if you''ve heard this, but sometimes you get the worst symptoms when you don't feel mentally anxious, or at least I do, anyway. My doctor told me that if you are mentally distressed, it will manifest itself somehow, if you don't feel it mentally you'll get it physically, like itching or auditory stuff. It gets especially bad when you're trying desperately to maintain when you need to grieve or whatever.

Atarax might help, I'd give it a go.