what the fuck is goin on???

[sprinklethief]

okay, it's 4am and i have to be at the psych lab (ironically) at 11. why am i awake you might ask...

so all day i've been having all sorts of weird body and mind issues. i woke up with a searing pain in my chest (which has been going on for about a month, but it was particularly bad today) and not really able to take deep breaths. later started the palpitations (that's when your heart feels like it hiccups, correct?), pain in my right shoulder blade and bottom of my rib cage (which also clicks). then the smokers rolled in. i don't smoke, but there were three people pretty much chain smoking here today watching TV. after a while i started feeling faint and i could hardly breathe so i went into the bedroom where i believe i passed out for a short while. so there's that. also joint pain, mostly in my feet and knees but that's been going on for a little over a year now. i haven't been taking my stomach meds because i don't have them, so i've had fun with GERD all week. i've also been throwing up pretty much anything i eat.

meanwhile, in my diseased brain a fun little game has been going on. we had the TV on most of the day today. well every once in a while i'd here a voice like a little radio was somewhere in the apartment. i felt as if it might not be in the TV after i heard it through a few different programs and did the whole rewind (we have a dvr) to check if it was in the show. you know it wasn't. now usually my auditory hallucinations are few and far between, and they're usually like someone left a TV on in another room or like there's people chattering quietly in the next room. rarely do i have a voice talking AT me, and this radio guy was most certainly talking at me (you know, the imaginary radio with the voice?) but i couldn't make out what he was saying (i never can when i hear stuff).

emotion-wise i've been in strange states of being. i've emotionally detached myself from situations that have upset me in the past week or so (except Yappa. she deserves to have her mourning from me) so as not to emotionally skew them and try to think objectively what i'm going to do about them. being emotionally detached though seems like a comfortable state for me, which is weird because i used to be such an emotionally charged person, but over the years it's been waning, maybe due to how many times i've been hurt/betrayed/screwed over and what-have-you. i wouldn't say i'm emotion-less by any stretch of the imagination, but i'm certainly lacking, and i'm finding myself avoiding situations where someone may become my friend somehow because i just don't want to deal with having to explain myself to a new person. i know me, that's really all that matters.

meds-wise i've had to go off of my mood stabilizer (topomax) due to severely aggravating my ADD. I had my antidepressant (wellbutrin) raised because it was a few weeks before the Yappa thing and i knew i was going to be destroyed over it. also, about two months ago i had a beta-blocker (inderal) added to the mix as preventative measures for my earth-shattering migraines. i also take a birth control pill (ortho novum 7/7/7) because i have polycystic ovary syndrome. i also take a b-complex and a multivitamin. so there's all that mess. adderal may be added very shortly. nexium will be re-added as soon as i can get that catastrophe straitened out.

does anybody have any idea what the hell is going on with me (i know i have a few fellow whack jobs and some people with medical knowledge on my friends list but still feel free to speculate if you don't fit into either of those catergories)?!?

Comments

[daliah.livejournal.com]

i cant speculate, but i can say that i havent had aural hallucinations in YEARS, and just last week they popped up again..in two different forms...one day i heard my phone ringing over and over again (it plays enjoy the silence,oddly enough) and another time my good friend from my teenage years called the noise tornado came for a visit...fortunately, it didnt stay long...must be something being pumped into ohio to make us all more fucked up than usual...

beyond the add issues, how did you like topomax? my dr and i had been discussing it for my mood swings, but i havent seen her in ages...i quit taking the wellbutrin and prozac when i went off the wagon so as not to complicate things further...waiting to hear back on that pmdd/severe pms trial to go back on my meds now that ive been sober again for a while....also, how long have you been on wellbutrin? mine always poops out on me, so i needed a break anyway, it was a waste of time and money to take it, as it wasnt helping a lick anymore...i cant wait to go back on to quit smoking and quit eating everything in sight! (and to have reason to be having such fucked up dreams.) i never had tons of luck with bcomplex before, how much do you take?

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i wonder if our cycles have something to do with the auditory hallucinations?

as for topamax, i really liked it. it worked very well for my moods and helped me get the ball rolling losing weight, but i will warn you - it makes you RETARDED. i actually bought a daily planner because i couldn't remember anything. you have really weird word find problems too (which can actually be quite comical) like saying chair when you meant herbert hoover.

i've been on wellbutrin on and off for a few years, but the thing that i like about it most is that you don't get manically happy, for me at least. it brought me out of the "deepest blackest abyss of depressions death doom yuck" but didn't boost me so high i'd come crashing down. currently i'm at 450mg, the max dosage.

i take the cvs super b complex & c, and i just take one a day. i noticed a difference in my mood after about two weeks, but it didn't do crap for my energy level.

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

Sounds to me like anxiety from hell compounded by grief. After my mom died I went through similar stuff, almost exactly what you're describing.

Sorry you're doing it too, it sucks.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

hmm, i have some atarax, maybe i should try to take that to chill a bit. i don't feel anxious though, i don't think... i'm not entirely sure that i'm not though.

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

I dunno if you''ve heard this, but sometimes you get the worst symptoms when you don't feel mentally anxious, or at least I do, anyway. My doctor told me that if you are mentally distressed, it will manifest itself somehow, if you don't feel it mentally you'll get it physically, like itching or auditory stuff. It gets especially bad when you're trying desperately to maintain when you need to grieve or whatever.

Atarax might help, I'd give it a go.

[radiation88.livejournal.com]

Anxiety maybe? It tends to show up in me as physical pain as well as the fun mental stuff.

Damn life.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

yeah, that's what nepenthene was saying. is it possible to feel it physically but not emotionally?

[indy-skies.livejournal.com]

i'd say it's stress and being emotionally drained (sometimes being drained can make you detach). first you went through a very stressful and emotional thing with yappa. i remember when we put our family dog down i had a six week manic episode (the bad mania, not the good) directly after. and second, it's coming to the end of the semester and i bet school is stressing you out... exams and papers and what not. i think stress, even the slightest amount really sets us "mentally interesting" off. and it would make sense that your stomach would be acting up due to this. the pain in your chest - i have no idea what to think about that, except that it could be some form of anxiety. it would be normal for you to feel anxiety right now after yappa and all. anyway - that's my two cents. hope you get to feeling better soon. doesn't sound like you're having much fun these days.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i have some other side bullshit going on as well that really has kind of drained me of all emotion so maybe that's why it was so easy to just detach. i thought once i had yappa's ashes home i'd feel better, and i do because my girl is here, but sometimes i think about the day i put her down though and it really mentally screws with me. i couldn't bear to just turn her over to strangers though because she'd be terrified so i was there for the whole shebang, including about an hour long crying session.

and yes, some demon beast has come and sucked all the fun out of my life for some reason, not that there was much to begin with.

[indy-skies.livejournal.com]

well maybe the Christams break will allow you to relax and breathe some life back into you. best of luck with everything. take care!

[matafleur.livejournal.com]

I second/third/fourth the anxiety, my stuff always got worse when I was super stressed out and even now I start to notice myself slipping when under mass quanties of the stuff.

bubble bath?
clearly, I'm in no position to lecture on how best to deal with stress :)