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you know you've lived an interesting life when frantically searching for a paystub you unearth some polaroids of former slaves in... precarious positions, heh. i was showing off my japanese rope bondage skills (it's actually a very neat and intricate art so don't go thinking it's all pervy :P)
didn't even know i had those, i thought i destroyed everything from the dungeon days (except the bitchin' corsets and photoshoots).
also, HELLO MIXED STATE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?!?
being off meds has NOT been easy, but i think i've been keeping my cool exceptionally well considering what's going on in my head vs. what comes out in actions/words.
i've been up for almost 10 hours. that was after a 16 hour sleep-a-thon. it only took a 6 pack of mickeys, 2 vicodin 750's and a flexerol to knock me out for good too. just so ya'll know, i ususally only require 5-7 hours of sleep so this is VERY unusual. my appointment with the new doc is april 6th. i'm thinking about finally coming clean about the ADD to see if i can get some kind of help with that and see if it helps the bipolar/schizo combo (yes i've been researching my ass off on meds since i know whoever this bitch is will want to stick me on some bullshit and i'll have to know how to counter her).
i wish i could just take nothing and be okay, but after what's been living in my head this week i know it's not a good idea, plus every other time i've gone off meds bad stuff happens, like attacking your boyfriend and losing a fist fight with his wall and not remembering it, or attacking another boyfriend with a table, random suicide attempt and not remembering hardly any of it, clocking people... yeah you see how it goes. luckily nothing's been upsetting me (or at least nothing i can rationalize into being hideously angry over) so as long as everything stays calm for the next few days i should be okay.
yeah, this entry is already longer than intended.
didn't even know i had those, i thought i destroyed everything from the dungeon days (except the bitchin' corsets and photoshoots).
also, HELLO MIXED STATE HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?!?
being off meds has NOT been easy, but i think i've been keeping my cool exceptionally well considering what's going on in my head vs. what comes out in actions/words.
i've been up for almost 10 hours. that was after a 16 hour sleep-a-thon. it only took a 6 pack of mickeys, 2 vicodin 750's and a flexerol to knock me out for good too. just so ya'll know, i ususally only require 5-7 hours of sleep so this is VERY unusual. my appointment with the new doc is april 6th. i'm thinking about finally coming clean about the ADD to see if i can get some kind of help with that and see if it helps the bipolar/schizo combo (yes i've been researching my ass off on meds since i know whoever this bitch is will want to stick me on some bullshit and i'll have to know how to counter her).
i wish i could just take nothing and be okay, but after what's been living in my head this week i know it's not a good idea, plus every other time i've gone off meds bad stuff happens, like attacking your boyfriend and losing a fist fight with his wall and not remembering it, or attacking another boyfriend with a table, random suicide attempt and not remembering hardly any of it, clocking people... yeah you see how it goes. luckily nothing's been upsetting me (or at least nothing i can rationalize into being hideously angry over) so as long as everything stays calm for the next few days i should be okay.
yeah, this entry is already longer than intended.
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::smirk::
and he kills the entire family...
kids and all...
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Re: ::smirk::
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i feel you...the meds i am currently on are far from working...
i guess you have to work up to the right dosage or you'll get a serious rash or something like that...
needless, to say...the struggle between me and my head continues...
and per usual, the thing in my head is winning...
it'll be weeks before i build up to the right dosage...
i guess i'll just go along for the ride and hope nobody gets hurt...
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i just try to go in with a clear mind (HA!). once i wrote down all of my issues and concerns because my memory is so shot and the lady literally laughed at me, took my notes and made photocopies and showed them around the office - WHILE I WAS STILL IN HER OFFICE. this is one of the worst pdoc's i've ever had though. the best one (so far) got so angry when i told him what she did that he was shaking (visibly).
it's really luck of the draw, i had to stop seeing my mega awesome shrink that i found by accident because i lost my insurance, and this one i'm going to see tomorrow is paid for by the county so god only knows whats going to transpire. i mean, it *IS* YOUR treatment, so if you don't like the way the person is acting/handling your illness you can quit and find someone else. just remember that it takes a while for meds to kick in (sometimes up to a month) so give it a chance to make sure you're not having a mood
this time, i'm saying fuck it and i'm going in with notes because my memory is debilitating. the second anyone laughs at me i'm storming out because that was bullshit.
as i'm training to be a pdoc (eventually) i think i'd WANT people to do that, it's so much easier to gather your thoughts when they're right in front of you.
my best advice as i've had to jump on this horsie so many times is to sit down, collect your thoughts and write/type them, possibly get your husband to give some input (i don't know where i'd be without wyl's input) because he sees things about you that you may not, possibly do some research on meds (i compulsivly do that) (crazymeds.org is so the shit for that) that you think would be appropreate and dive in like a swimming pool. i mean, you could get opinions, but not everyone has the same experience. evil laughing lady came highly reccomended to me, so i don't put much stock in word of mouth.
just always remember you don't HAVE to take what they give you. if you start taking it and it's having a really addverse effect on you stop and let your doc know imediately because then you can start working on what will help, yanno?
i hope this helped...
oh, and it's always fine to post stuff like this in my journal. i don't hide my illness from anyone that knows me.
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My doctor treated a girl who was schizo and bipolar and she was doing amazingly well just after a month, so much in fact he didn't recognize her when she came in again.The stuff he gives you enhances and heals rather than inhibits and a new client consult is only $60 (not including meds and the drive but Beck wants to go so maybe if you ever want to you can go with us but don't think I'm pressuring you into it or anything..just saying and if you want me to shush I will okay bye)