sprinklethief | (no subject)

i can't find a point to being at work today. i've been working 52+ hours a week for 2 months. for free. because my shithead borrowers don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. because i had 4 loans fall through. because i'm about to have another one fall through because the borrower is too stupid to do even the simplest things, like get ONE MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING PAPER TO ME ON TIME! their deal is kaput on the 21st. like no one can do anything for them because their credit score is INCREDIBLY low, it dropped shortly after we started working with them because they weren't paying any of their bills. we found ONE lender that'll take their old credit score. this is literally their last chance, and they're doing absolutely everything they can to sabatoge themselves, in the process sabotaging any hop i have of a better life any time soon.

what makes it worse is that this person was supposed to be a friend i was helping out. i busted my fees down to a fraction of a point for them and they just fuck me with a red hot poker in return.

i simply cannot find a point to life right now except for the love of my life, mr

skwyrm. if it weren't for him i would have successfully offed myself back in november when i tried. i'm back to feeling almost exactly like that, mostly because of this job and the fact that i've invested over 450 hours into this job and have nothing to show for it except an inch and a half thick pile of hospital bills from breaking my back (which the guilty party hasn't even offered to help pay.)

so between my $400 a month bill for medications (and yes, that's with insurence. i'm on a LOT of meds) as well as all my copays for surgeries and hospital visits, emergency visits and all the fucking tests that have had to be run on various malodies... i've had to stop going to therapy because i simply cannot afford the $20 a session. i almost can't go to my psychiatrist but coundting pennies and borrowing money wherever i can find it has made it possible so i don't have to go back into violent withdrawl from not taking my meds.

i simply don't know how much more i can take. something has to give. why the fuck can i not have a fucking nice big juicy conforming loan. like a good million or two, a nice jumbo 5 year option ARM? imagine 3 points yield spread on a million dollars?! that's $30,000 (tho i'd have to fucking split it with this assinine brokerage i work for... i'd technically only get $15,000 of that, but hell it's still $15,000).

i wish i was good enough at this that i could go out on my own and do it. yanno, not have to fucking deal with this shitty office and mr. lumburgh (yes, there's a dude here that happens to be one of my 4 bosses that has the same speach pattern as lumburgh but sounds like bob serpentini) and all the fucking "case of the monday's" office space bullshit.

i just want to make enough money to set us up with a nice apartment for a few years, pay of wyl's school even though he doesn't want me to, pay off my student loan (only $4,000 more to go!!!), pay off whatever is left of my car to take pressure off of a dear friend and put away a nice little nest egg in a high interest fast maturing IRA or something, then fucking relax. if i could just stick it out here and get some fucking leads that aren't bunk i could do it. fuck, if i could get one of the 8 loans i'm working on to close i'd be doing a lot better.

i hate that my money depends so much on other people.

it really is a good job, i just as a rule have terrible luck, and it carried over to my job. what the fuck do i do? how can i make this work for me? is there some secret that i'm missing???

god help me.

at least ranting has helped me feel a little better. i'm going to go out there and try really hard to kick some ass. or maybe it's just my morning medication kicking in...