a friend committed suicide this weekend, just found out today.

i'm kind of numb, to tell you the truth. my phone has been ringing off the hook, my AIM going crazy, my facebook messenger popping up left and right... i'm apparently the go-to for this kind of thing.

i really haven't had a lot of time to reflect on this as of yet, which is why i guess i'm over here on LJ. i know a lot of people didn't like her for whatever reason, but i totally identify with her struggle, and i simply adored her. she was bipolar, not on meds because she had no health insurance. the cathartic ups and the catastrophic downs... i couldn't imagine trying to tackle that without meds. i'm proud of her for making it *this* far.

i really wish i could have done something more. her boyfriend is completely destroyed. her close friends are somehow shocked even though she'd warned of it often. she hinted to it toward the end of the week last week, but none of us thought anything of it.

her facebook status from saturday read "not a particularly huge fan of fear" shortly before it happened...

not particularly a huge fan..

what does that mean? was she scared? was she numb?

i don't even know. this year... this year has been severely fucked up for most of the people i know in some way or another. she was no exception.

i guess what i do now is offer support, prod people for *good* memories so that they don't dwell on the end... and just be the den mother of the chamber that i've become. my kids need me, my friends need me. here i am guys, talk to me!