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Day 30 - Your highs and lows of this month.
shits been really hectic with school/dad/being sick so i'm a bit slow to complete this final installment of superhappyfuntime.
highs and lows... i'm going to start with the lows so i can end on a not shitty note i think.
dad and dad drama:
its no secret that my dad is very ill. as time moves on, he's depending more and more on other people to get things done. he had a very serious MS flare around the time i was having my AS flare, and he's had several since then. i've found myself in the role of caregiver, even though my brother lives in the same damn building as him. dad's not able to control his bodily functions so well anymore, and my brother is perfectly content to let him just sit there in it when he's having an attack and unable to move. when i come for my weekly trailer cleaning i always end up with some quite disgusting discoveries. disgusting not because of my dad, he can't help it, but disgusting because my brother lets it stay that way.
in mid december, he called me laying a super guilt trip on me about not being there for dad, and that dad's dying and i need to get my head out of my ass and help out. granted, bob *did* do a lot, but i didn't know how bad things had gotten. so after the guilt trip i high tailed it over there the next day and did super cleaning detail, which was no small feat. i scrubbed that trailer for 9 hours straight. then i took dad's laundry home and did it. my brother, being the opportunist that he is, saw that i was more than willing to help, so he decided his responsibilities are going to be taken down to the minimum. dad can't clean up after himself - its just a cold fact. but there is NO REASON that dad should live in squalor because i'm too sick to come clean, or i've got, oh, i dunno, school? lab hours? bob just lets it pile up until i get there, and at that point its at an invertible critical mass.
i handle my dads meds now, filling up his weekly med planners so he's got two weeks of meds ready to go. last week my brother texted me over and over again saying he couldn't find dad's meds. i keep them in the exact same place they've always been. so, silly me i told bob where his bulk meds are, thinking bob would just go into the med box and get dad's daily meds out of their bottles and give them to him, i let it go for a few days. when i showed up to do the cleaning i found dad in his bed, crying out in pain, hardly able to talk, laying in his bed he had multiple accidents in and couldn't get up to clean up or change the sheets. i brought him lunch to cheer him up, and walked into that. he hadn't had water in over 24 hours, gave up trying to get out of bed to clean himself up because the pain was too much and was so depressed that he was just laying there crying, saying over and over again how he wishes he would just die. i had to go outside and cry, and bob caught me. we decided dad needed to go to the hospital, and i went in to tell him. bob sat at the foot of his bed and told this poor, depressed, dying man that he had to go to the hospital and stay there because he was burdening his children and we couldn't take it anymore.
i saw red.
i told bob to get out, go find something to do. not a problem because whenever any *real* work pops up, my brother goes MIA. justin and i sat with dad and told him what we thought. that i didn't want to put him into a home, but he needed help, that he wasn't a burden on me, and that i loved him. we told him we'd do whatever it took to get his place back in order and get him scheduled to see his doctor, and that i was forcing him out of bed and into the shower. he was so embarrassed, so i started joking with him, saying things like "hey, you wiped my ass for a while, i'm just returning the favor!" justin chimed in, joking around with him, picking on him (in fun of course) and slowly i saw my dad begin to return behind those defeated eyes.
10 hours and some teamwork later, justin and i had his trailer cleaned up. i got dad cleaned up and took care of the bed situation, the garbage all over the floor because dad couldn't get up to throw anything away, the bedside buckets he had to resort to in order to use the restroom because bob couldn't be bothered to help him were emptied and scrubbed (bob actually volunteered to do the worst one, i was amazed). we went out and got him a bedside kamode and little hand-held urinals to help the situation as well as what dad now proudly refers to as his "pampers." we got him new sheets, a new down alternative blanket, a huge stash of water that i set up next to his bed in case he got stuck again and a very badly needed air freshener.
after his shower (which turned ice cold about halfway through and chilled the poor dude) i got dad dressed in clothes i got him for christmas. he protested saying "no, those are too nice!" and i had to convince him that new clothes are meant to replace old clothes and its okay to mess them up, that's why i have a washer and dryer. the guy can't bend down to cut his own toenails, and bob never saw fit to help him, so i tackled the talons, got his socks on for him. when i stood up and kissed his forehead saying "there, good as new!" dad burst into tears. it had been so long since someone pampered him, if ever, the dude just lost it. he kept saying "i don't want to be a bother to you" so i corrected his mantra and said "you aren't a bother to me - you're a FATHER to me."
winter respiratory crap/being sick:
new years brought a pretty nasty flu, followed up with walking pneumonia and a sinus infection. this all aggravated my asthma and has made life quite fun the past month. i halfway wonder if my AS flare-up didn't trigger all of this. i just wish it was over so i can do that one thing... what's it called?! oh yeah, BREATHE. i'd just like to *not* be sick, if even just for a little while.
blues:
i got a little bummed out around the holidays, really regretful (so not like me) and just kind of disappointed in myself. i think i've got it pretty much under control now, but i was pretty bad there for a while.
cheering dad up:
amidst all the bullshit surrounding helping dad, there was a silver lining. talking with him, helping him get cleaned up, feeding him - it all cheered him up and gave him a bit of renewed vigor. he's back to bitching at bob and full of piss and vinegar. me taking control of his medical care (i *am* medical power of attorney, after all) seems to have taken a burden off of him. i'm always there to remind him about appointments, nag him about taking his meds correctly, advise him on easier ways of doing things. and justin is right there beside me, chatting with him about guns, helping set up his computer and printer stuff and just treating him like a human being. its sad that just treating him like a human was all he needed to kick his depression, but happy that we were able to oblige.
time with bobby:
the friday of the weekend dad went without care, my brother asked me to watch my nephew because he had to go plow snow at 4am. we went and picked him up (not knowing what had been going on in the trailer at this point) and came back to the house where we proceeded to play little big planet and watch "despicable me" until about midnight. bobby doesn't really get the chance to be affectionate, so we cuddled on the couch while watching TV, and he was just THRILLED that justin and i were playing little big planet with him (because, yanno, we're grown ups and all). we had a good time, i really needed to bond with him a bit. he's an incredibly smart kid, very observant and picks up on people's emotions very easily (and calls you out on them the way only a 6 year old can...). it was good to get even just that one night with him.
the forensic lab:
i got accepted into a psych forensic lab, which has been tough, but i've already learned quite a bit. its interesting to see how case files play out, and how the diagnostic end of things works in conjunction with background analysis. its also interesting to see what goes into the MMPI in order to make it the standard diagnostic test. let me tell you, there really is no stone unturned with that thing, and extensive research to back it all up.
resurrecting the tweakbaby:
while it might only be for one night, i'm looking forward to DJing for the first time in what, 6 years? 7? it'll be nice to cut loose and just have fun instead of being responsible for everything ever. plus its my birthday, so i get to be the princess that day dammit. i'll get to see a lot of people i haven't seen in a very long time (hopefully, provided anyone comes out) and if my lungs cooperate i might actually dance too!
so all in all it wasn't a bad month. there were times when it was gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking, but there was certainly a silver lining to it all. hopefully this trend continues.
shits been really hectic with school/dad/being sick so i'm a bit slow to complete this final installment of superhappyfuntime.
highs and lows... i'm going to start with the lows so i can end on a not shitty note i think.
dad and dad drama:
its no secret that my dad is very ill. as time moves on, he's depending more and more on other people to get things done. he had a very serious MS flare around the time i was having my AS flare, and he's had several since then. i've found myself in the role of caregiver, even though my brother lives in the same damn building as him. dad's not able to control his bodily functions so well anymore, and my brother is perfectly content to let him just sit there in it when he's having an attack and unable to move. when i come for my weekly trailer cleaning i always end up with some quite disgusting discoveries. disgusting not because of my dad, he can't help it, but disgusting because my brother lets it stay that way.
in mid december, he called me laying a super guilt trip on me about not being there for dad, and that dad's dying and i need to get my head out of my ass and help out. granted, bob *did* do a lot, but i didn't know how bad things had gotten. so after the guilt trip i high tailed it over there the next day and did super cleaning detail, which was no small feat. i scrubbed that trailer for 9 hours straight. then i took dad's laundry home and did it. my brother, being the opportunist that he is, saw that i was more than willing to help, so he decided his responsibilities are going to be taken down to the minimum. dad can't clean up after himself - its just a cold fact. but there is NO REASON that dad should live in squalor because i'm too sick to come clean, or i've got, oh, i dunno, school? lab hours? bob just lets it pile up until i get there, and at that point its at an invertible critical mass.
i handle my dads meds now, filling up his weekly med planners so he's got two weeks of meds ready to go. last week my brother texted me over and over again saying he couldn't find dad's meds. i keep them in the exact same place they've always been. so, silly me i told bob where his bulk meds are, thinking bob would just go into the med box and get dad's daily meds out of their bottles and give them to him, i let it go for a few days. when i showed up to do the cleaning i found dad in his bed, crying out in pain, hardly able to talk, laying in his bed he had multiple accidents in and couldn't get up to clean up or change the sheets. i brought him lunch to cheer him up, and walked into that. he hadn't had water in over 24 hours, gave up trying to get out of bed to clean himself up because the pain was too much and was so depressed that he was just laying there crying, saying over and over again how he wishes he would just die. i had to go outside and cry, and bob caught me. we decided dad needed to go to the hospital, and i went in to tell him. bob sat at the foot of his bed and told this poor, depressed, dying man that he had to go to the hospital and stay there because he was burdening his children and we couldn't take it anymore.
i saw red.
i told bob to get out, go find something to do. not a problem because whenever any *real* work pops up, my brother goes MIA. justin and i sat with dad and told him what we thought. that i didn't want to put him into a home, but he needed help, that he wasn't a burden on me, and that i loved him. we told him we'd do whatever it took to get his place back in order and get him scheduled to see his doctor, and that i was forcing him out of bed and into the shower. he was so embarrassed, so i started joking with him, saying things like "hey, you wiped my ass for a while, i'm just returning the favor!" justin chimed in, joking around with him, picking on him (in fun of course) and slowly i saw my dad begin to return behind those defeated eyes.
10 hours and some teamwork later, justin and i had his trailer cleaned up. i got dad cleaned up and took care of the bed situation, the garbage all over the floor because dad couldn't get up to throw anything away, the bedside buckets he had to resort to in order to use the restroom because bob couldn't be bothered to help him were emptied and scrubbed (bob actually volunteered to do the worst one, i was amazed). we went out and got him a bedside kamode and little hand-held urinals to help the situation as well as what dad now proudly refers to as his "pampers." we got him new sheets, a new down alternative blanket, a huge stash of water that i set up next to his bed in case he got stuck again and a very badly needed air freshener.
after his shower (which turned ice cold about halfway through and chilled the poor dude) i got dad dressed in clothes i got him for christmas. he protested saying "no, those are too nice!" and i had to convince him that new clothes are meant to replace old clothes and its okay to mess them up, that's why i have a washer and dryer. the guy can't bend down to cut his own toenails, and bob never saw fit to help him, so i tackled the talons, got his socks on for him. when i stood up and kissed his forehead saying "there, good as new!" dad burst into tears. it had been so long since someone pampered him, if ever, the dude just lost it. he kept saying "i don't want to be a bother to you" so i corrected his mantra and said "you aren't a bother to me - you're a FATHER to me."
winter respiratory crap/being sick:
new years brought a pretty nasty flu, followed up with walking pneumonia and a sinus infection. this all aggravated my asthma and has made life quite fun the past month. i halfway wonder if my AS flare-up didn't trigger all of this. i just wish it was over so i can do that one thing... what's it called?! oh yeah, BREATHE. i'd just like to *not* be sick, if even just for a little while.
blues:
i got a little bummed out around the holidays, really regretful (so not like me) and just kind of disappointed in myself. i think i've got it pretty much under control now, but i was pretty bad there for a while.
cheering dad up:
amidst all the bullshit surrounding helping dad, there was a silver lining. talking with him, helping him get cleaned up, feeding him - it all cheered him up and gave him a bit of renewed vigor. he's back to bitching at bob and full of piss and vinegar. me taking control of his medical care (i *am* medical power of attorney, after all) seems to have taken a burden off of him. i'm always there to remind him about appointments, nag him about taking his meds correctly, advise him on easier ways of doing things. and justin is right there beside me, chatting with him about guns, helping set up his computer and printer stuff and just treating him like a human being. its sad that just treating him like a human was all he needed to kick his depression, but happy that we were able to oblige.
time with bobby:
the friday of the weekend dad went without care, my brother asked me to watch my nephew because he had to go plow snow at 4am. we went and picked him up (not knowing what had been going on in the trailer at this point) and came back to the house where we proceeded to play little big planet and watch "despicable me" until about midnight. bobby doesn't really get the chance to be affectionate, so we cuddled on the couch while watching TV, and he was just THRILLED that justin and i were playing little big planet with him (because, yanno, we're grown ups and all). we had a good time, i really needed to bond with him a bit. he's an incredibly smart kid, very observant and picks up on people's emotions very easily (and calls you out on them the way only a 6 year old can...). it was good to get even just that one night with him.
the forensic lab:
i got accepted into a psych forensic lab, which has been tough, but i've already learned quite a bit. its interesting to see how case files play out, and how the diagnostic end of things works in conjunction with background analysis. its also interesting to see what goes into the MMPI in order to make it the standard diagnostic test. let me tell you, there really is no stone unturned with that thing, and extensive research to back it all up.
resurrecting the tweakbaby:
while it might only be for one night, i'm looking forward to DJing for the first time in what, 6 years? 7? it'll be nice to cut loose and just have fun instead of being responsible for everything ever. plus its my birthday, so i get to be the princess that day dammit. i'll get to see a lot of people i haven't seen in a very long time (hopefully, provided anyone comes out) and if my lungs cooperate i might actually dance too!
so all in all it wasn't a bad month. there were times when it was gut-wrenchingly heartbreaking, but there was certainly a silver lining to it all. hopefully this trend continues.