dad

[sprinklethief]

so new years eve, with people dropping off like flies who were gonna hang out and me getting increasingly sick as the day went on, i got a text from my brother. my dad had fallen again and was having a bad MS attack. we decided even though i was getting sicker by the minute that we would bring the party to dad so he wouldn't have to be alone and crippled for new years.

it was heartbreaking to say the least. almost his entire body wasn't working, except for his right hand. we had to hold him up to pee, drag him back up onto the couch when he would slide off, and that's no easy task in a tiny trailer. we eventually had to get him a bedside urinal to use because justin and i could no longer hold him up, seeing that he weighs about 220. he would sit and try to pee for a good 20 minutes, but he had no feeling so he couldn't, he just kept feeling like he had to. he kept crying and telling us that we should put him in a home and forget about him, justin and i countered with "we love you too much to ever put you away."

my brother is saying we need to figure out what to do with the family business, and we need to get dad a nurse or put him in a home. i know that they are both expecting me to drop all of my plans for law school to take over the business, but i just don't want to. why should i have to suffer because my brother was too much of a fuckup to run a goddamn business? knowing me, i'll probably end up doing it, though justin has vowed to let nothing of the sort happen.

the thing is, dad really does need a nurse. best case scenario he needs an assisted living facility so he could still have his independence. i don't even know where to begin with this, i don't know shit about VA benefits or who to contact. i know he's got disability through the VA, i don't know what that means in terms of medicare or whatever. we can't afford to do it with just one of us working, and my brother hasn't had an actual job in.. well.. ever, unless you count prison. the business *is* his job, and he slacks off on that too. this is why i'm supposed to take the reins, and i just don't want to.

i don't know what to do, where to begin. i am NOT putting my dad in a home. simple as that. he's still of sound mind, i refuse to have to sign him out to spend time with him when he's still generally able to do things on his own. its just when he has these attacks, he needs someone there 24/7, and i'm not big enough to be that person. like, physically. neither is justin. and my brother refuses, starts whining about how "everything is falling on his shoulders" while i'm the one that cooks and cleans for the guy, loads up his med planners, organizes his paperwork and does his laundry. yeah bob, you really break your back while you freeload off of him, begging for money every other day and letting him foot the bill to keep you housed and fed.

i think dad wants to move in with us but doesn't want to ask. i feel like a dickhead for saying this, but i don't think that would be a good idea. i'd lose my office, which means justin's clamoring around the house and general disregard for me trying to get things accomplished with severe ADD would seriously hinder my schoolwork, more than it already does. there's large chunks of the day no one would be here that anything could go wrong while i'm at school, and i'd be the only one to call - meaning i'd have to leave school to come help (my brother lost his license and can't drive). i don't mind the cooking, cleaning and laundry as that's my job already, but if dad falls, he's screwed because i can't pick him up. when the MS flares up, he essentially becomes "dead weight" because his muscles can't help you get any leverage. picture trying to lift a 220 lb sack of potatoes that's in incredible pain.

the fact remains that someone has to take over care for him, and i know someone needs to be going to the doctor with him to get him the meds he needs. they try to give him the bare minimum to get him by. dude's going to die soon, what does it matter that you give him a strong enough dose to be comfortable?! VA doctors are simply there to help you die it seems.

so i guess step one will be calling the VA tomorrow to see what, if anything, can be done? any suggestions?

god this sucks.

Comments

[anmorata.livejournal.com]

You have power of attorney for your dad, right? They may not disclose information without it. It would certainly be a good first step to call the VA and see what information you can garner from them. This may be a good place to start, too: http://www.vba.va.gov/VBA/

I only know a little about this, when my aunt was moved into an assisted living facility, then later on into a nursing home. She has Medicare (I think, or Medicaid. I can't remember which is which), and they wouldn't pay out until she had 0 assets left, so she had to sell her home, her car, and so on. Then they paid for pretty much all of it, because the nursing home she's at is like $3k/month for round-the-clock care. VA benefits will likely differ. I don't know if they work in tandem with Medicare/Medicaid or not. It's worth asking, if he has it.

Good luck, and *hugs* to you. I know this can't be easy for you. I feel extremely fortunate that my grandmother is still very mobile and very active at age 78. In fact, she and I just had a conversation about that tonight.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i have medical power of attorney, but i thought that didn't kick in until he was unable to make his own decisions?

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

Assisted living places are usually not that bad. If it's a good place, it's like living in a hotel but with a cafeteria and common rooms where they have movie nights and such. In fact, a lot of assisted living places around here actually are old hotels. A friend of mine's family ran one and I was like, "Shit, I want to live here!" For a while Krypt rented a cabana in the back of that place because most of the residents couldn't really use them (too many stairs). It was a lot like Dexter's apartment in the TV show. Here's another retirement home nearby to where I live, the Hotel Beaumont:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hotel_Beaumont

Check out the fucking lobby:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Hotelbmtlobby.jpg

Medicare pays for that. Seriously, look around and see what's in your area.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i'd love for dad to be in a swank place like that! he'd be all like "lets have dinner at my place" and be all lifestyles of the rich and famous meets hugh heffner in a velvet robe on his scooter like "this is the foyer, out there is the courtyard, this is one of my 10 butlers" lol.

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

LOL, he'd be scooter royalty. My friend's grandma is at this nice place in Arkansas that's newer so it's not as swanky, alas. It's more like a nice college dorm.

[daliah.livejournal.com]

wish i could help too. im a nurse, but unfortunately, one of me isnt 24/7. i think if you consider the average out of pocket cost for home care, if you did it privately...would be upwards of like $500 a day, $3500 a week, which is well, stupid per month...asst living is probably a good option considering.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i don't even know where to begin in navigating any of this :(.

[vincentx.livejournal.com]

I feel for you. I'm sure I don't have to remind you what happened with my Dad. The cancer spread so quick that he was paralyzed the last 4 weeks of his life. All we could do was give him morphine that last couple days to ease the pain. I can't say I know what your going through but I have a DAMN good idea.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

thanks buddy, i figure you of all people would know.