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Day 17 - Your highs and lows of this past year.
oh man... where to start...
lows:
* moving to kenmore, ohio
after being semi-forcefully moved into kenmore, the apartment ended up being a nightmare. the apartment itself was really cool, but the area was horrible, and the bar next door made sleep next to impossible. it caused quite a bit of tension between justin and i, mostly because we weren't getting regular sleep, and we could barely hear each other talk over the noise or the heater/air conditioner. justin was always downstairs in his workshop and i felt totally abandoned upstairs in an apartment i never wanted to live in. if it weren't for lisa, hayley and andrew i would have probably totally lost my mind there.
* justin's grandmother passing away
justin's grandmother dying was a catalyst of a lot of horrible things. justin's dad fell into a deep depression he has been trying desperately to drink away. he's done a lot of really dumb shit, one of which we had to go bail him out of jail for. he also showed up to christmas drunk. like slobbering, falling over drunk. and he drove there. we've tried over and over again to get through to him, but he just doesn't want to hear it.
her passing also threw justin into a really dark place, and i have to admit i lost him there for a while. he became a total stranger, jekyl and hyde. i think him realizing that is what made him make the decision to move us back to kent. that and the wakeup call of losing his job because he was being irresponsible with getting shit done on time. he acted as though they'd never let him go, like he was untouchable. that reality check i think started a lot of things rolling for him. we had to overcome some serious shit that we're still working through, but it most certainly isn't remotely as bleak as it was then.
* dad getting sicker, my brother getting diagnosed
in march my dad had a very severe MS attack. like hospitalized severe. he could barely keep his balance (not that he can usually anyways, but this was incredibly bad vertigo). his legs began to cut out on him, and i saw him getting incredibly frustrated. he would sit on the edge of the hospital bed and just look at his legs, saying "i'm trying to make them move..." and just stare, sadly. it was so scary, and horrible, and just the tip of the iceberg. he's all but completely lost the use of his legs, and is starting to lose control of his left arm. he falls a lot, and until my brother moved in he would call at all hours of the night because he couldn't get up. so many times we had to drive out there and pick him up, covered in filth from the floor, knees and elbows scraped from trying to get up and failing. now, i handle his laundry and cleaning his trailer, and make sure he remembers to eat/take his meds. i feel like we've sort of switched places, and he's my child. it hurts to watch, but it would hurt more when he's gone to know i stood there and did nothing. i'm not above wiping an old man's ass, especially an old man who is half of the reason i even exist. i love him so much and don't want him to go, but they've given him less than ten years - if he's lucky. i'm going to start recording him telling the story of his life, because its been an incredible life, and write a book about him. i thought that would be a good way to honor him.
my brother began getting tingling sensations in his fingers in january, which progressed into shooting pain. then he would periodically lose use of his arms. finally, in march, just before dad went into the hospital bob went to the emergency room. an MRI later, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of MS as well. i'm not sure what our family did to piss god off, but he totally hates us.
* facebook stalker
i dated a guy when i was 12-13. he was 17-18. that right there should have been a warning to me, but i was young and he had a car. the relationship graduated to becoming very abusive in many, many ways, and he's stalked me on and off ever since. once in a while he'll pop up peripherally, and all i have to do is go into hiding temporarily until he loses interest and i'm in the clear until he decides to find me again. facebook offered him quite the forum to start making my life a living hell again, and he started messaging me, trying to friend me. so i blocked him. so he created another profile. so i blocked that one. this kept going until i just said "fuck it" and locked up my profile completely, so i thought. he would send me messages once in a while, i always ignored them. i told anyone who was friends with the both of us to never mention me, that my safety is at risk if they do. that's not a lie. i don't think anyone truly knows what i went through with him over the years, and its not something i like to think about. recently i discovered that one of my photo albums was not locked down, and i posted something silly. he responded to it, even "liked" it. i quickly deleted that and locked down that album. this was last week. seriously, this guy does.not.stop. i'm interested to see what happens when i become law enforcement and he tries this shit. motherfucker.
i don't really want to think about the lows anymore. lets switch gears.
highs:
* quitting my job
i had the most horrible boss in the freaking planet when i left CVS for gamestop. at first it was peachy, but once the new year started the guy was a total fuckwad. he would take EVERYTHING personal, but if you took anything personal he would chastise you and belittle you. when my dad was in the hospital, bob was diagnosed with MS and justin's grandmother was on her deathbed, dude wouldn't give me a day off because bioshock 2 came out and he wanted to play it. not even kidding. so i got to stay at work chocking back tears so fat ass could sit at home and play videogames. there's such a long list of shit with this guy. he was the opposite of the kind of manager that i am. the kind of manager i am is the type that will be right down there, shoulder to shoulder with the worker bees, running through the trenches alongside them. this is the best way to have a highly functioning and independent team. they learn from watching you, and they feel a sense of camaraderie with you because you ARE equals. just because i have a higher title doesn't mean that i'm better than anyone, it just means i'm the leader, but a leader is only as good as their team. this is something fuckwad forgot. he would make us do shit he would never do, like clean the bathroom, or other disgusting tasks. he was a total piece of garbage, and it was a glorious day that i handed him my letter of resignation. if i could have wiped my ass with it, i would have.
* going back to school
i quit school because i had a boyfriend and his child to take care of, and school wasn't paying the bills. i originally withdrew because my second spine fusion failed, and i had to take extra care of my neck so that the bone spurs didn't do permanent damage. i withdrew a few days to early, and they whopped me with a $2000 fine. that coupled with the fact that i was with someone i didn't even like that i had to support sort of ruined my chances at saving up to pay that off. when justin's grandmother died, she left money to pay that back, bless her heart. after fighting through acres of red tape, here i am, one semester from graduation, grade point average finally boosted up enough to go to law school/grad school. it was really hard to get back into the swing of things, but i think i've got it nailed down pretty well.
* sobriety
my doctors still won't call it an addiction, but i feel like i took my pain medication waaaay too much. i mean, i was prescribed to take 2 percocet 10/325 every 4-6 hours as needed, but in my opinion that is waaaaaaay too much. i never got quite to that level, but i was taking a lot, and i felt a change beginning to occur in me. it was making the home situation even worse, and i would wake up feeling like hell. slowly i weaned off of it and began to feel so much better mentally, like someone just opened up the sky and shined the sun down onto my mind. i've learned to deal with the pain from the AS in my own ways, usually involving a hot bath and a fist full of tylenol, but i'm managing. its just good to have my mind back.
* time with dad
while it sucks that its come to having to care for my father (not because i hate it, but because i know he hates it), its allowed me to spend a lot of time with him. i've learned a lot about my family and my mother, and a bunch of pretty hilarious stories about him. he and justin get along so well, he considers him his son. i can see that he's forever grateful that we care so much when he thought no one cared at all, especially when he comes over when i have friends over. he's adopted one of them (meowmeow) and is always asking after her. when she showed up at thanksgiving with her husband, dude lit up like a jack-o-lantern. halloween, we had a lot of people over, and he seemed shocked that when he stopped talking, people were actually listening. my friends have all accepted him into our circle, and that just tickles him pink. i'm forever grateful to all of them for being so caring with him.
that's all i've got in me right now, but i think that's quite a sizable piece.
oh man... where to start...
lows:
* moving to kenmore, ohio
after being semi-forcefully moved into kenmore, the apartment ended up being a nightmare. the apartment itself was really cool, but the area was horrible, and the bar next door made sleep next to impossible. it caused quite a bit of tension between justin and i, mostly because we weren't getting regular sleep, and we could barely hear each other talk over the noise or the heater/air conditioner. justin was always downstairs in his workshop and i felt totally abandoned upstairs in an apartment i never wanted to live in. if it weren't for lisa, hayley and andrew i would have probably totally lost my mind there.
* justin's grandmother passing away
justin's grandmother dying was a catalyst of a lot of horrible things. justin's dad fell into a deep depression he has been trying desperately to drink away. he's done a lot of really dumb shit, one of which we had to go bail him out of jail for. he also showed up to christmas drunk. like slobbering, falling over drunk. and he drove there. we've tried over and over again to get through to him, but he just doesn't want to hear it.
her passing also threw justin into a really dark place, and i have to admit i lost him there for a while. he became a total stranger, jekyl and hyde. i think him realizing that is what made him make the decision to move us back to kent. that and the wakeup call of losing his job because he was being irresponsible with getting shit done on time. he acted as though they'd never let him go, like he was untouchable. that reality check i think started a lot of things rolling for him. we had to overcome some serious shit that we're still working through, but it most certainly isn't remotely as bleak as it was then.
* dad getting sicker, my brother getting diagnosed
in march my dad had a very severe MS attack. like hospitalized severe. he could barely keep his balance (not that he can usually anyways, but this was incredibly bad vertigo). his legs began to cut out on him, and i saw him getting incredibly frustrated. he would sit on the edge of the hospital bed and just look at his legs, saying "i'm trying to make them move..." and just stare, sadly. it was so scary, and horrible, and just the tip of the iceberg. he's all but completely lost the use of his legs, and is starting to lose control of his left arm. he falls a lot, and until my brother moved in he would call at all hours of the night because he couldn't get up. so many times we had to drive out there and pick him up, covered in filth from the floor, knees and elbows scraped from trying to get up and failing. now, i handle his laundry and cleaning his trailer, and make sure he remembers to eat/take his meds. i feel like we've sort of switched places, and he's my child. it hurts to watch, but it would hurt more when he's gone to know i stood there and did nothing. i'm not above wiping an old man's ass, especially an old man who is half of the reason i even exist. i love him so much and don't want him to go, but they've given him less than ten years - if he's lucky. i'm going to start recording him telling the story of his life, because its been an incredible life, and write a book about him. i thought that would be a good way to honor him.
my brother began getting tingling sensations in his fingers in january, which progressed into shooting pain. then he would periodically lose use of his arms. finally, in march, just before dad went into the hospital bob went to the emergency room. an MRI later, he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of MS as well. i'm not sure what our family did to piss god off, but he totally hates us.
* facebook stalker
i dated a guy when i was 12-13. he was 17-18. that right there should have been a warning to me, but i was young and he had a car. the relationship graduated to becoming very abusive in many, many ways, and he's stalked me on and off ever since. once in a while he'll pop up peripherally, and all i have to do is go into hiding temporarily until he loses interest and i'm in the clear until he decides to find me again. facebook offered him quite the forum to start making my life a living hell again, and he started messaging me, trying to friend me. so i blocked him. so he created another profile. so i blocked that one. this kept going until i just said "fuck it" and locked up my profile completely, so i thought. he would send me messages once in a while, i always ignored them. i told anyone who was friends with the both of us to never mention me, that my safety is at risk if they do. that's not a lie. i don't think anyone truly knows what i went through with him over the years, and its not something i like to think about. recently i discovered that one of my photo albums was not locked down, and i posted something silly. he responded to it, even "liked" it. i quickly deleted that and locked down that album. this was last week. seriously, this guy does.not.stop. i'm interested to see what happens when i become law enforcement and he tries this shit. motherfucker.
i don't really want to think about the lows anymore. lets switch gears.
highs:
* quitting my job
i had the most horrible boss in the freaking planet when i left CVS for gamestop. at first it was peachy, but once the new year started the guy was a total fuckwad. he would take EVERYTHING personal, but if you took anything personal he would chastise you and belittle you. when my dad was in the hospital, bob was diagnosed with MS and justin's grandmother was on her deathbed, dude wouldn't give me a day off because bioshock 2 came out and he wanted to play it. not even kidding. so i got to stay at work chocking back tears so fat ass could sit at home and play videogames. there's such a long list of shit with this guy. he was the opposite of the kind of manager that i am. the kind of manager i am is the type that will be right down there, shoulder to shoulder with the worker bees, running through the trenches alongside them. this is the best way to have a highly functioning and independent team. they learn from watching you, and they feel a sense of camaraderie with you because you ARE equals. just because i have a higher title doesn't mean that i'm better than anyone, it just means i'm the leader, but a leader is only as good as their team. this is something fuckwad forgot. he would make us do shit he would never do, like clean the bathroom, or other disgusting tasks. he was a total piece of garbage, and it was a glorious day that i handed him my letter of resignation. if i could have wiped my ass with it, i would have.
* going back to school
i quit school because i had a boyfriend and his child to take care of, and school wasn't paying the bills. i originally withdrew because my second spine fusion failed, and i had to take extra care of my neck so that the bone spurs didn't do permanent damage. i withdrew a few days to early, and they whopped me with a $2000 fine. that coupled with the fact that i was with someone i didn't even like that i had to support sort of ruined my chances at saving up to pay that off. when justin's grandmother died, she left money to pay that back, bless her heart. after fighting through acres of red tape, here i am, one semester from graduation, grade point average finally boosted up enough to go to law school/grad school. it was really hard to get back into the swing of things, but i think i've got it nailed down pretty well.
* sobriety
my doctors still won't call it an addiction, but i feel like i took my pain medication waaaay too much. i mean, i was prescribed to take 2 percocet 10/325 every 4-6 hours as needed, but in my opinion that is waaaaaaay too much. i never got quite to that level, but i was taking a lot, and i felt a change beginning to occur in me. it was making the home situation even worse, and i would wake up feeling like hell. slowly i weaned off of it and began to feel so much better mentally, like someone just opened up the sky and shined the sun down onto my mind. i've learned to deal with the pain from the AS in my own ways, usually involving a hot bath and a fist full of tylenol, but i'm managing. its just good to have my mind back.
* time with dad
while it sucks that its come to having to care for my father (not because i hate it, but because i know he hates it), its allowed me to spend a lot of time with him. i've learned a lot about my family and my mother, and a bunch of pretty hilarious stories about him. he and justin get along so well, he considers him his son. i can see that he's forever grateful that we care so much when he thought no one cared at all, especially when he comes over when i have friends over. he's adopted one of them (meowmeow) and is always asking after her. when she showed up at thanksgiving with her husband, dude lit up like a jack-o-lantern. halloween, we had a lot of people over, and he seemed shocked that when he stopped talking, people were actually listening. my friends have all accepted him into our circle, and that just tickles him pink. i'm forever grateful to all of them for being so caring with him.
that's all i've got in me right now, but i think that's quite a sizable piece.
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