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so i'm no good at housewifery. yet. i just am having a hard time not having any real purpose (in my eyes), no job, no one to yell at, nothing to be shitting my pants stressed over. i quickly slipped into a very deep depression about a week in, which sounds ridiculous. i felt like an asshole - all my friends bust their assess day in and day out, and i'm freaking out about something as miniscule as not knowing what to do with myself. i tried to tell justin i want to go back to work, and i was answered with something along the lines of "over my dead body - not until you REST for once in your goddamn life." so i decided to do this thing that i would lay down in bed every time i started to feel tired and nap. i mean, that's what i think of when i think of rest. that kinda backfired on me. i actually felt MORE exhausted. so after a few weeks of that i went to bed at a halfway normal hour (well, normal for me at least) and ended up sleeping about 17 hours. so that backfired too.
the only housewifey things i've done so far is scrub down and reorganize the kitchen and do all of the laundry. justin got a kick out of the whole laundry thing cuz no one has ever done his before. he giggled like a little kid while i folded his underwear, lol. the living room really needs dealt with (omg CAT HAIR - 5 cats + wood floors = really soft tumbleweed) and the bathroom is embarrassing. and, well, that's my job now.
the thing is, i feel overwhelmingly guilty for not doing anything. i have no idea why. i feel guilty that justin takes care of everything financially, even though he can totally afford to. i guess because i've always busted my ass to keep afloat that this doesn't feel right. but justin was right - i needed to rest. unfortunately, rest has done nothing for my pain level (except in my hips which is a goddamn relief because that sucked HARD). in fact, in a twist of irony, i'm being sent to a specialist to be tested for multiple sclerosis. again. my body has just sort of gone haywire in the last two months, and it's only getting worse.
the other time i was tested for MS is when they found that massive disc blowout in my neck. that time i knew it wasn't MS because, well, i just knew. this time i'm not so sure. i've been having trouble walking lately, like one leg is ten times heavier than the other, and i get so dizzy i knock into things or stagger like i'm drunk. at first i thought it was a side effect from trying to quit percocet (i didn't need to take it so much anymore and thought "hey, i'll just stop!" which doesn't work so well when you take 3 10/325mg's throughout the day every day - BAD IDEA.) but when i started taking it again and weaning myself down little by little (i'm down to half a pill a day now except i had a heinously bad pain day yesterday and took two at once) it didn't stop. it didn't get worse but it didn't get better. it kinda feels like when you have a massive hangover and you feel like you just got off the rotor at the carnival.
i've also developed a pretty significant tremor. like a meth addict tremor. like, i drop shit all the time tremor. and my hands keep trying to curve into a claw (thumb touching all the fingers and then the hand trying to point at the inside of my wrist). my handwriting has suffered quite noticeably from it. i keep getting blurred vision and my left side of my face keeps hurting. the fatigue i normally have has tripled.
i know, whine whine whine. i should be fine since i'm sitting at home doing nothing. god how i wish that were true.
the only housewifey things i've done so far is scrub down and reorganize the kitchen and do all of the laundry. justin got a kick out of the whole laundry thing cuz no one has ever done his before. he giggled like a little kid while i folded his underwear, lol. the living room really needs dealt with (omg CAT HAIR - 5 cats + wood floors = really soft tumbleweed) and the bathroom is embarrassing. and, well, that's my job now.
the thing is, i feel overwhelmingly guilty for not doing anything. i have no idea why. i feel guilty that justin takes care of everything financially, even though he can totally afford to. i guess because i've always busted my ass to keep afloat that this doesn't feel right. but justin was right - i needed to rest. unfortunately, rest has done nothing for my pain level (except in my hips which is a goddamn relief because that sucked HARD). in fact, in a twist of irony, i'm being sent to a specialist to be tested for multiple sclerosis. again. my body has just sort of gone haywire in the last two months, and it's only getting worse.
the other time i was tested for MS is when they found that massive disc blowout in my neck. that time i knew it wasn't MS because, well, i just knew. this time i'm not so sure. i've been having trouble walking lately, like one leg is ten times heavier than the other, and i get so dizzy i knock into things or stagger like i'm drunk. at first i thought it was a side effect from trying to quit percocet (i didn't need to take it so much anymore and thought "hey, i'll just stop!" which doesn't work so well when you take 3 10/325mg's throughout the day every day - BAD IDEA.) but when i started taking it again and weaning myself down little by little (i'm down to half a pill a day now except i had a heinously bad pain day yesterday and took two at once) it didn't stop. it didn't get worse but it didn't get better. it kinda feels like when you have a massive hangover and you feel like you just got off the rotor at the carnival.
i've also developed a pretty significant tremor. like a meth addict tremor. like, i drop shit all the time tremor. and my hands keep trying to curve into a claw (thumb touching all the fingers and then the hand trying to point at the inside of my wrist). my handwriting has suffered quite noticeably from it. i keep getting blurred vision and my left side of my face keeps hurting. the fatigue i normally have has tripled.
i know, whine whine whine. i should be fine since i'm sitting at home doing nothing. god how i wish that were true.
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Dude it's totally understandable that you would get depressed. First of all you have way more time on your hands now, and therefore lots more time to think. With our brains, that's not a good thing. They get busy and when they get busy, our brains get evil. Do you like to read? I can hook you up with tons of ebooks to distract your hateful brain.
People pay good money to have someone clean their house. Maybe you can treat it like a job? The way it goes around here is, Krypt has a job at the bookstore and I do everything else (that, and not making myself and him crazy is my "work"), except when I sometimes feel like he doesn't want to help or takes me for granted. To check that, I make him do something he hates, and if he balks, we argue about it. Actually that last thing isn't part of the plan but it seems to happen every few months. IDEK but it seems to work for us.
Man, your physical problems depress me and I'm not even the one who has them. I can't even imagine, and I want to fix it all for you! Could it be nerve stuff from your spine affecting your peripheral nerves, like maybe a nerve is getting stimulated and the pain is traveling down and making you have symptoms elsewhere? That's just a shot in the dark. I will say that a friend of mine had a neck injury as a child and the whole thing cascaded and now zhe has nerve damage in one of hir hands. It curled up into a "claw". It was corrected with surgery, so it does have remedy.
http://www.wrongdiagnosis.com/sym/claw_hand.htm
You might ask your doctor about that. I think it's fairly rare but it happens.
I sure as fuck hope you don't have MS.
But seriously, please don't kick yourself about being "idle". You taking care of yourself is a job in itself because other people, taking care of themselves involves personal hygiene and that's about it. Your life is not that simple. Give yourself credit! And Justin clearly appreciates the housework, which, if it brings him happiness, is worthwhile right there.
This is lame but if I were you, I'd create an account here: http://www.chorewars.com and then keep track of the chores you do. I bet you're doing more than you realize and you'll see that when you have a record.
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see, i think housewife and i think of these clucking hens with too much time on their hands. i never think that actual people do it. maybe that's my issue.
and taking care of myself is a goddamn full time job in and of itself, you're right, lol. i just wish people that balk at me for being a housewife could feel, just for one day, everything i have to feel. i think they'd stop pretty quick.
i was sorta thinking a lot had to do with my neck. the fusion failed. well, it didn't technically fail, it's fused kinda, just like stair steps instead of a straight spine. i'm sure tha's causing all kinds of hell.
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Also HOLY CRAP YOU DO A LOT OF SHIT. Oh yeah, you're definitely lazy and worthless. :P
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The crap thing about cleaning house is there's always more you can do, especially if you have OCD. And I feel like I live in filth even though my house is pretty clean, because my mom was the kind of person who washed the walls and scrubbed baseboards. I can't make myself do that!
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I hear you have a nice ass.
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and i have a tank ass. like a panzer VIII maus, baby!