run-on

[sprinklethief]

I had nine lives but I lost all of them
and I’ve been searching in the night
and I’ve been searching in the rain
I tried to find them
but they disappeared
they walked away they dressed in black
they left my side and all I say
is that I wasted time
when I looked for them
for now I know that things gone past
are never to be found again
no never never again
I had nine lives
but lost all of them

I had a plan
but never finished it
and I’ve been searching for the thought
and I’ve been searching in a haze
I try all days
to remember it
but now the blueprint in my mind has gone
my mind forgot the colour of direction
and my eyes they see the hands
that could have built
that could have constructed
the empire in my mind
the empire
I’ll never find
I had a plan
but that was where it ended



that's just where i kinda stand right now. i'm very homesick for cleveland. i'm very homesick for being hopeful. really, the only thing i really have going for me right now is my wonderful husband who i think has just realized how deep my depression and crazy runs. i mean, he's always known i'm batshit insane, but he's never been on the total inside of it like he is now. he's taking it well, being very supportive, very good to me. more than i could ever hope for to tell you the truth. i think this marriage might have been the one right decision i've made in my life. certainly the most healthy decision. he tries his ass off to show me the silver lining of things, like he always did as my best friend. to tell you the truth, the only dynamic that has changed between us since our decades old friendship is that we get nekkid and hump now, lol. i dunno if i ever really divulged to y'all how he and i ended up where we did...


justin and i met when he was in 9th grade and i was in 10th. he was new to the school and no one really talked to him. i took one look at him and was like "wow, there's something about that kid..." but never had the balls to talk to him. finally, someone pulled the fire alarm and everyone filed out of their classrooms. he stood there all alone during the commotion in a fear factory shirt, which in 1996 was kinda rare. i walked up and was all like "i like your shirt, let's be friends" and thats what we were. he didn't talk much, but i just was always drawn to him. i always used my "i own the school" attitude to get him out of classes to roam the halls with me, dragged him into my study hall where we smoked outside, dragged him around to all the things i did after school. pretty much i just wanted him near me as much as possible and still to this day cannot tell you why. then he was gone, just like that. i saw him a year or so later at a party and apparently gave him the cold shoulder, prolly cuz i was butthurt he left without saying goodbye.

fast forward to 2004. he'd crossed my mind a great deal over the years but i figured a quiet little guy like that would be hard to track down. one day while working that mortgage loan officer gig i was doing for a while there i was pulling a late night waiting for a sale in colorado to close. me and a few of the guys i worked with were bored out of our minds and decided to google our names. part of me was terrified at what would come up (given my ...ahem... sordid... past) but part of me was genuinely curious. luckily the first link was someone posing as me on classmates.com. the second link though was a message board for one of the first bands i was ever in, and someone was posting on the board looking for me. that someone? justin.

on a whim i emailed the email he'd left even though it had been a year or so prior to see if he was still attached to it. wyl and i were crashing and burning, i hated my job and just needed someone, anyone to take my mind off of everything. that was still his email, and we quickly caught up and picked up as the friends we were only now he talked. it was never a romantic thing, it was just a love that sort of superseded romance. like i knew this person would always be in my life in some way. well, wyl shortly thereafter left me high and dry holding the bag of an expensive apartment in cleveland and a job i hated. i was a MESS when i decided to move back to kent to work on my degree, and justin was the only person i talked to at first.

he would stay up late at night with me and let me vent about everything that happened, and helped me actually pick myself up and keep moving. between he and hawks i probably wouldn't have made it anywhere without either of them. slowly i started talking to everyone again, but the whole time justin was my confidant 100%. it was during this time that he and i made a pact after i'd wasted him in soul calibur about 50 times and drank a ton of beers. the pact was - when we're both 100% done with relationships, done fucking up, done failing, we were gonna marry each other since we have always gotten along so well. the running joke over the next few years any time my significant other and i would fight was "better get that ring ready!" and things like that.

when joey and i started going bad (about 6 months before his dad died) i'd told both him and justin that this was it, if this relationship failed i am DONE. this was IT. i was ready to leave joey, but then his dad fell very ill and eventually passed, and there was no way in hell i was gonna leave the kid during that. so i stayed and tried to make things work. and tried. and tried....

meanwhile justin's relationship had crashed and burned as well, and the girl destroyed him. he moved back home (he was in LA) and just sort of hung around and talked to me through everything. finally joey had pushed me way too far and i'd given him a final chance to make things right with me or i was gone. he did the exact opposite of what i needed, continued to rely 100% on me to take care of EVERYTHING (he still owes me over $4000, but i know i'll never see it). i started trying to find ways out of the house, people to hang out with. i spent a lot of time with my friend hayley, spent a great deal of time at work, and finally i started asking justin to meet me out for drinks. after a few weeks of this my friends pointed out to me that i needed to leave joey and that staying in the relationship because he didn't want to be alone was not doing any wonders for me. i think meowmeow and justin were the first to beat this into my skull. i had pretty much made up my mind that i was going to leave, but didn't know how when my 10 year high school reunion happened.

first off, hayley was my date (jokingly) but joey was drinking liquor and eventually lost it because i was "ignoring" him. he made an amazingly dramatic scene which included punching a hole in the wall of the rather nice bar we were in and loudly proclaiming that he was going to kill himself then taking off into the night in downtown akron. i'd hit my breaking point. after we finally corralled him he insisted that i had to stay with him or he would kill himself, so i went back to hayley's apartment with him. once we were lying down he smugly cuddled up to me and muttered something along the lines of "i knew you wouldn't leave if you knew i would hurt myself if you did." my blood ran cold. i stormed out and said i'd be staying in a hotel from here on out until i figured out what was going to happen. once i was in the hotel i called justin to see what his side of everything was (he was also there as someone's date). he came out to the hotel and talked to me about everything in great depth. i realized i had to leave joey or either i would live a miserable life or kill him. jokingly we looked at each other and said "i guess this means we're getting married!"

fast forward to the post breakup. after a suicide attempt and a fuck ton of mind games i decided joey and i could not even be in contact anymore. while i was pretty into justin i also realized i was fresh out of a relationship and didn't know what the hell i wanted to do with myself. upon revealing this to justin, he told me how he felt about me, had always felt about me. after a little bit of fence sitting i figured, why the hell not? let's co-host my halloween party, i said. lets hang out and get silly, i said. it became abruptly clear to me that i really did have intense feelings toward him, and trying to deny it was stupid. two weeks before the party we were sitting and talking (and drinking). somehow the idea was brought up that we should have a surprise wedding on halloween since we were both just fucking DONE with relationships and the pact still remained. i looked at him and was like "do you really want to?" to which a non-hesitant "fuck yeah i do" was retorted. i was like "we need to get to the courthouse ASAP and find someone to officiate like NOW then. i thought he was kidding, but the next day he was up and ready to go to the courthouse. after asking around and not being able to find anyone t officiate, i found someone that really wanted to and got her ordained.

so, we had our wedding. our guerrilla wedding as chrix put it. i didn't really tell anyone besides maybe 3 people and their significant others. he however told a LOT of people. pretty much just one day my last name changed on facebook and that's all anyone really knew that wasn't there.

and you know what? i haven't regretted it since. i feel like this is what it's supposed to be like to love someone. i know some people have chastised me for "making a mockery" of marriage, but i think hollywood took care of that for me. and you know what? i'm happy, i'm VERY happy. i don't care that i was nontraditional, i don't care that i didn't do it the way the rest of the world thinks i should have. this relationship has been like nothing i've ever experienced before. i've never had this amount of respect and understanding from ANYONE like this EVER in a relationship. i feel like the pact we made was fate. and the fact that i didn't even hesitate to act on it? that just solidifies the validity of the feelings i've always had for justin, the feeling that we are kindred spirits, the feeling that he knows what i go through and vice versa.

i don't know why i felt the need to spill this 5 months later, but here it is. i'm still wildly in love with this man, in awe of his intelligence, his skill in his profession, his humanity, his compassion. he still renders me speechless on a daily basis, and i still find myself watching him as he goes about his day, thinking i need to pinch myself to make sure i'm awake. as shitty as my life has gotten in many arenas, he really is one of the only things holding me together. he is an amazing man, and i wish each and every one of you could meet him.



so anyways. my time with gamestop is drawing to a close. that company treats its managers like cow shit. i was better off at CVS by a long shot, but i don't want to go back there either. it's going to be a while before i can make a decent living with my dad's company, so i'm not sure where i'm going, i just know that i can't stay at gamestop any longer. my boss is probably the most horrible person i've ever known in my life and doesn't deserve someone like me. i'm putting in my two weeks with nothing lined up at this point. i don't know what i'm going to do, don't really care. what i do know is that i want to move back to cleveland/lakewood, and i want to do it SOON, and i need to find a new job until i can get dad's company out of the red and into the black (which really would just take some modernization and a website - luckily i'm married to an amazing graphic designer). i don't like it down here and i'm homesick for cleveland. i want to go home. i need to find a new job and go home, that's all thats important to me at this point. and you know what? justin backs me 100% :D.

life sucks right now, most of my plans have fallen through, but somehow i always find my way back to something tangible, and that's what i'm hoping for now. i need to take better care of myself, get a new shrink (looong story. basically the awesome one i had quit to work with the severely mentally ill in low income areas and the new guy doesn't believe in adult ADHD and cut off my adderall because he doesn't believe in treating a "make believe" illness for drug seekers which has made my life a living hell) and i need to get out of this rut so i can give my husband the happy-go-lucky wife he deserves.

ooookay, end brain fart...

Comments

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

he made an amazingly dramatic scene which included punching a hole in the wall of the rather nice bar we were in and loudly proclaiming that he was going to kill himself then taking off into the night in downtown akron.

CLASSY. I used to hang around with dramagoths on coke and even then I never saw anything quite that lame in a public place. Thank god you ditched him.

The story with you and Justin is absolutely wonderful, like a romcom I would actually watch because it had cool people in it. I'm so glad you're happy!

Mockery of marriage my ass. It seems to me that you've been involved longer than most people who get married these days; you just didn't date traditionally. Is that the problem people have? OMG YOU BROKE TRADITION SO YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG!!! Fuck that. Friendship (and good communication, says my therapy-trained ass) is the strongest basis for love that I know, seriously. That's how Krypt and I operate and we've been together 11 years. It freaks me out sometimes! I WANT YOU TO HAVE THAT. And a good job, hahaha. You deserve both.

[xflute-goddessx.livejournal.com]

I agree with Justin that you can't even LOOK for a job until you rest for a few days...The people above us in the apartment building just moved out :) I can give you the leasing office number if you want, I think its a four bedroom. And fuck whoever says you made a mockery of marriage, the last time someone told me that we did I told them that at least I had the common decency to love my significant other which was more than they can say. I'm glad you and Justin are together and I'm glad that you have him to lean on where Joey wasn't helpful. He's the first person I'd pick to pull you off an Ambien trip if i wasn't there :-p

[greyyguy.livejournal.com]

That is an excellent story. And everyone that tells you you are making a mockery of marriage can fuck off. You did what was right for you two. A relationship is what works best for the two people, not what others think they should do.