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for such a shit beginning to this year it's sure starting to wrap up really nice. i started out the year miserable, wishing for a different life, but not having the balls or even the know how to do a damn thing about it. see, my late teens and early 20's i was a complete shit. i know i don't have to go into too much detail since all (well most) of you were there for it. i treated people like shit, treated myself like shit, hellbent on self destruction, yanno, me back then. the shitty thing was waking up to the person i was and knowing it. that threw me into a giant spiral of making myself a doormat to everyone to try to make up for people i've wronged and whatnot. wyl tried desperately to point that fact out to me but understandably gave up trying. that was a horrible habit that was not easy to break, i'm still trying. but somewhere along the way i had given up on making decisions for *my* benefit. that's where the past few months comes in.
i finally did something about the relationship i was in. don't get me wrong, joey is a wonderful person, a genuine person, but it was not a good match. i have NO ill will toward him and really do hope the best for him and nik. he never treated me like crap but he did rely on me waaaaay too heavily. but i've had my fill of wiping men's asses because they get used to me just *fixing* everything. after i hit the $4,000 mark of money owed to me i'd finally realized that i was someone's mother, and it wasn't nik. it killed to break his heart, it really did, but the truth of the matter was that i hadn't been actively in the relationship for a very long time and i was only in it because i saw he needed me. but where was anyone when i needed help? nowhere. i felt it better that we split before i got too spiteful, so we did. i think he really has a hard time with it more because he has to stand on his own now than missing me, but i equipped him with the tools to survive, i just hope he uses them. i really, truly do. he's an amazing father and doing the best he can, and to that i commend him.
work-wise was the same story. NO ONE should have to work 55-60 hour weeks with very little pay to show for it. granted i was thankful for my salary, but it didn't cover what was expected of me in the least. i was FUCKING MISERABLE there. if it weren't for some of my awesome employees i might not have lasted as long as i did. see, CVS really doesn't give a SHIT about their employees. they cut hours but expected twice as much done, meaning management (who is salary) had to come in ridiculous amounts hours. they cut operational hours in the pharmacy and got pissed that we weren't hitting budget. HELLO! RX NOT OPEN = NO IMPULSE BUYS. but, they came down like the hand of god on us anyways (old testament of course). fuckholes. one of the worst parts for me was having to write the schedule taking hours from the people that actually made the store run. you know, the cashiers, the supervisors, the people who do all the dirty work. these kids are barely squeaking by as it is and i had to take hours away in the interest of the bottom line. on top of that i still had to be management telling everyone everything was okay. so not my style, i don't LIE to my employees. they are every bit as important as i am, if not more. the higher ups didn't like that i shared what was really going on there, but they held onto me cuz i'm a goddamn workhorse. then something really weird happened...
i was talking to justin one night about why i hated my job so much and how i wish something better could come along. he said something along the lines of "things have a way of happening when you need them to" which i think was in reference to us but it rang much deeper than that. the next day, i shit you not, i came into work. a number called that i didn't know so i let it go to voicemail because i was talking with my boss about our plans for the day. when he left the room i checked it...
see, back when CVS was dicking me around about my raise i applied to a few places for management positions and didn't hear back from anyone. little did i know that i was in a rolodex for positions now. gamestop is who called, asking for an interview. for a management position. i ran it by the boy (who has been my conscience most of my adult life) and he said "wtf, go in, see what they have to say!" so i did. the interview was actually fun, i joked around a lot. the guy said it was all preliminary and i might or might not get a call back for an actual interview. meh, at least i tried. they called back less than three hours later with an offer.
not even a week later justin and i decided to get married. i officially put notice in to cvs and this is my final week. i've already been working at gamestop and find the (lack of) stress level much more suiting. i wake up smiling now (and not just because i wake up next to a mega-hot husband who adores me and a slew of kitties ready for lovins). i don't wake up cursing god for not killing me in my sleep. even as my physical condition plummets i still wake up glad to be alive. a few weeks ago i walked out of my apartment and took a deep breath, taking in the scent of fall and feeling... well... alive.
truth be told, as the AS tries to eat my body i still wake up ready to kick its ass. i wake up in enormous amounts of pain, but i wake up knowing that my life is much closer to what i want it to be. i wake up with a purpose. i wake up knowing i'm loved, not needed. i wake up knowing that i will soon not have a 10+ hour work day ahead of me. i wake up to someone who doesn't berate me with a laundry list of what is fucked up and wondering what i'm going to do about it, but a husband who is glad to see my makeup smeared and bleary-eyed face just because its mine. i wake up to a life that isn't waiting for me to be a janitor, but a conductor. i finally hold my own destiny in my hands to some extent, not a mountain of pain and expectance. i can breathe, i can enjoy. and that, my friends, is all i ever wanted.
i finally did something about the relationship i was in. don't get me wrong, joey is a wonderful person, a genuine person, but it was not a good match. i have NO ill will toward him and really do hope the best for him and nik. he never treated me like crap but he did rely on me waaaaay too heavily. but i've had my fill of wiping men's asses because they get used to me just *fixing* everything. after i hit the $4,000 mark of money owed to me i'd finally realized that i was someone's mother, and it wasn't nik. it killed to break his heart, it really did, but the truth of the matter was that i hadn't been actively in the relationship for a very long time and i was only in it because i saw he needed me. but where was anyone when i needed help? nowhere. i felt it better that we split before i got too spiteful, so we did. i think he really has a hard time with it more because he has to stand on his own now than missing me, but i equipped him with the tools to survive, i just hope he uses them. i really, truly do. he's an amazing father and doing the best he can, and to that i commend him.
work-wise was the same story. NO ONE should have to work 55-60 hour weeks with very little pay to show for it. granted i was thankful for my salary, but it didn't cover what was expected of me in the least. i was FUCKING MISERABLE there. if it weren't for some of my awesome employees i might not have lasted as long as i did. see, CVS really doesn't give a SHIT about their employees. they cut hours but expected twice as much done, meaning management (who is salary) had to come in ridiculous amounts hours. they cut operational hours in the pharmacy and got pissed that we weren't hitting budget. HELLO! RX NOT OPEN = NO IMPULSE BUYS. but, they came down like the hand of god on us anyways (old testament of course). fuckholes. one of the worst parts for me was having to write the schedule taking hours from the people that actually made the store run. you know, the cashiers, the supervisors, the people who do all the dirty work. these kids are barely squeaking by as it is and i had to take hours away in the interest of the bottom line. on top of that i still had to be management telling everyone everything was okay. so not my style, i don't LIE to my employees. they are every bit as important as i am, if not more. the higher ups didn't like that i shared what was really going on there, but they held onto me cuz i'm a goddamn workhorse. then something really weird happened...
i was talking to justin one night about why i hated my job so much and how i wish something better could come along. he said something along the lines of "things have a way of happening when you need them to" which i think was in reference to us but it rang much deeper than that. the next day, i shit you not, i came into work. a number called that i didn't know so i let it go to voicemail because i was talking with my boss about our plans for the day. when he left the room i checked it...
see, back when CVS was dicking me around about my raise i applied to a few places for management positions and didn't hear back from anyone. little did i know that i was in a rolodex for positions now. gamestop is who called, asking for an interview. for a management position. i ran it by the boy (who has been my conscience most of my adult life) and he said "wtf, go in, see what they have to say!" so i did. the interview was actually fun, i joked around a lot. the guy said it was all preliminary and i might or might not get a call back for an actual interview. meh, at least i tried. they called back less than three hours later with an offer.
not even a week later justin and i decided to get married. i officially put notice in to cvs and this is my final week. i've already been working at gamestop and find the (lack of) stress level much more suiting. i wake up smiling now (and not just because i wake up next to a mega-hot husband who adores me and a slew of kitties ready for lovins). i don't wake up cursing god for not killing me in my sleep. even as my physical condition plummets i still wake up glad to be alive. a few weeks ago i walked out of my apartment and took a deep breath, taking in the scent of fall and feeling... well... alive.
truth be told, as the AS tries to eat my body i still wake up ready to kick its ass. i wake up in enormous amounts of pain, but i wake up knowing that my life is much closer to what i want it to be. i wake up with a purpose. i wake up knowing i'm loved, not needed. i wake up knowing that i will soon not have a 10+ hour work day ahead of me. i wake up to someone who doesn't berate me with a laundry list of what is fucked up and wondering what i'm going to do about it, but a husband who is glad to see my makeup smeared and bleary-eyed face just because its mine. i wake up to a life that isn't waiting for me to be a janitor, but a conductor. i finally hold my own destiny in my hands to some extent, not a mountain of pain and expectance. i can breathe, i can enjoy. and that, my friends, is all i ever wanted.
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