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so i've been quiet it seems. not for lack of anything to say moreso lack of the proper words to say it. i guess the best word to describe this state of mental being would be... lost.
my cervical spinal fusion has officially failed. what happens next i don't know, but i have an appointment on the 20th at the pain clinic to find out. i've pulled myself off of my pain meds for the most part. i take them only when i can't take it anymore. the fog that comes with being drugged is not something i want in my life, nor need. my memory is already shaky at best, my thought processes slowed. i'm guessing its from the chronic use of narcotic and opioid pain killers i've had to resort to over the years. there's an old song: "i've forgotten more than you'll ever know." those words have begun to ring far too clearly in my recent days. doctors are way to quick to sling those things at me too.
so the nerve damage, the spasms, the arthritis and the bearing down and trying not to show just how much pain i'm in have all returned. i knew something was wrong from the start when i finally got out of my hard cervical collar. the pain returned within weeks after the surgery, amplified in the weeks past that. now i take a medication for nerve damage three times a day, and it makes me very sick. i've lost about 20 lbs since going on it a few months ago simply because the thought of food makes me sick. granted - after surgery leave and all the fatty foods and no exercise i could stand - i could stand to have lost a few pounds. today, at work, i noticed that the same area of my spine is raising up again and becoming really sore. i don't know if i ever told you guys this, but the herniation was so severe that you could see all the displaced tissue, inflamed muscle, etc. you could see it by looking at my neck, the lump, the way it moved when i did. well, it's back. hooray. i'm beginning to lose control of my arm more and more which, while comical at times, is also very embarrassing. today i tried to hand a pair of wire cutters to the new guy at work and ended up throwing them at him because i couldn't control the force of the movement or my grasp.
past that i did finally get that promotion. i got a decent raise (a sizable portion of which will be eaten up by paying for my health insurance) and a shiny new title. i got a name tag with my name engraved, as if sealing my fate into the permanency of retail. i got my own chair for the office, and a massive amount of responsibility. i got all of this and i've been fucking miserable ever since. people treat me differently, i have to wear dress clothes (most of you know me fairly well and laugh at the thought of me shedding my dickies, wallet chain, hoodie and dc's for some nice slacks and wing tips). the "crew" (though i still feel as though i'm part of them) has been... well... not so great to me. i guess the change of clothes, change of shift and change of title has made me into someone else, at least that's how i feel about it. it got bad enough that i actually was considering a transfer to see if a new store might make this job a little less hellish, but my boss convinced me to stay with a great deal of closed-door meetings. that and there are still people there i care about and want to fight for, even if they don't even notice - or care.
you see, i guess i'm more of a marxian leader. a good friend of mine once termed himself "the manager of the people" which i think is an excellent way to run a management system. allow input from everyone so everyone can make the job their own, don't just grunt commands at people. take the time to address people's concerns and goddammit DO something about them. where my problem lies, is that i do this. i do this every day because i feel that they run the store every bit as much as i do. i do this, and if i don't come up with the answer they want, they'll just go over my head, or continue being at odds with me thinking that's going to get them the resolution they want. i just go home frustrated and tied in knots.
it's a delicate balance, trying to do things fairly and equally while trying to keep those that feel they are entitled to more appeased enough to let you do your job. easier said than done, so the saying goes. i fear i bring my work home with me far more than i care to admit.
school is a pipe dream at this point. i need to submit my appeal complete with a few pounds worth of medical records showing them that it's very difficult to sit in class with a broken spine, never mind trying to get around the giant campus. after this i will get my money back to finish all staggering 12 credit hours i have left - 6 of which have absolutely NOTHING to do with my major. it's hard to even want to try at this point. what's the point, yanno? why bother. but - i don't want to be laying in my death bed thinking "if only i'd finished college." hopefully i'll slide gracefully into some sort of dementia by then so i don't even remember going to college...
my life has certainly seen better days. i feel old. i feel dejected. i feel tired, cold. i feel like i'm reaching either the end of my rope or some kind of massive mid-life crisis. whatever it is, it needs to hurry up, i'm getting impatient with limbo.
my cervical spinal fusion has officially failed. what happens next i don't know, but i have an appointment on the 20th at the pain clinic to find out. i've pulled myself off of my pain meds for the most part. i take them only when i can't take it anymore. the fog that comes with being drugged is not something i want in my life, nor need. my memory is already shaky at best, my thought processes slowed. i'm guessing its from the chronic use of narcotic and opioid pain killers i've had to resort to over the years. there's an old song: "i've forgotten more than you'll ever know." those words have begun to ring far too clearly in my recent days. doctors are way to quick to sling those things at me too.
so the nerve damage, the spasms, the arthritis and the bearing down and trying not to show just how much pain i'm in have all returned. i knew something was wrong from the start when i finally got out of my hard cervical collar. the pain returned within weeks after the surgery, amplified in the weeks past that. now i take a medication for nerve damage three times a day, and it makes me very sick. i've lost about 20 lbs since going on it a few months ago simply because the thought of food makes me sick. granted - after surgery leave and all the fatty foods and no exercise i could stand - i could stand to have lost a few pounds. today, at work, i noticed that the same area of my spine is raising up again and becoming really sore. i don't know if i ever told you guys this, but the herniation was so severe that you could see all the displaced tissue, inflamed muscle, etc. you could see it by looking at my neck, the lump, the way it moved when i did. well, it's back. hooray. i'm beginning to lose control of my arm more and more which, while comical at times, is also very embarrassing. today i tried to hand a pair of wire cutters to the new guy at work and ended up throwing them at him because i couldn't control the force of the movement or my grasp.
past that i did finally get that promotion. i got a decent raise (a sizable portion of which will be eaten up by paying for my health insurance) and a shiny new title. i got a name tag with my name engraved, as if sealing my fate into the permanency of retail. i got my own chair for the office, and a massive amount of responsibility. i got all of this and i've been fucking miserable ever since. people treat me differently, i have to wear dress clothes (most of you know me fairly well and laugh at the thought of me shedding my dickies, wallet chain, hoodie and dc's for some nice slacks and wing tips). the "crew" (though i still feel as though i'm part of them) has been... well... not so great to me. i guess the change of clothes, change of shift and change of title has made me into someone else, at least that's how i feel about it. it got bad enough that i actually was considering a transfer to see if a new store might make this job a little less hellish, but my boss convinced me to stay with a great deal of closed-door meetings. that and there are still people there i care about and want to fight for, even if they don't even notice - or care.
you see, i guess i'm more of a marxian leader. a good friend of mine once termed himself "the manager of the people" which i think is an excellent way to run a management system. allow input from everyone so everyone can make the job their own, don't just grunt commands at people. take the time to address people's concerns and goddammit DO something about them. where my problem lies, is that i do this. i do this every day because i feel that they run the store every bit as much as i do. i do this, and if i don't come up with the answer they want, they'll just go over my head, or continue being at odds with me thinking that's going to get them the resolution they want. i just go home frustrated and tied in knots.
it's a delicate balance, trying to do things fairly and equally while trying to keep those that feel they are entitled to more appeased enough to let you do your job. easier said than done, so the saying goes. i fear i bring my work home with me far more than i care to admit.
school is a pipe dream at this point. i need to submit my appeal complete with a few pounds worth of medical records showing them that it's very difficult to sit in class with a broken spine, never mind trying to get around the giant campus. after this i will get my money back to finish all staggering 12 credit hours i have left - 6 of which have absolutely NOTHING to do with my major. it's hard to even want to try at this point. what's the point, yanno? why bother. but - i don't want to be laying in my death bed thinking "if only i'd finished college." hopefully i'll slide gracefully into some sort of dementia by then so i don't even remember going to college...
my life has certainly seen better days. i feel old. i feel dejected. i feel tired, cold. i feel like i'm reaching either the end of my rope or some kind of massive mid-life crisis. whatever it is, it needs to hurry up, i'm getting impatient with limbo.
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takecare, and keep fighting.