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i've never felt like i'm home. it's a hard feeling to describe, but i've felt horribly out of place everywhere i've ever lived. nowhere have i ever felt that i belonged, just tolerated. i've never felt immersed into any community... i think that's why i drank and drugged so heavily for so long, because at least then i wouldn't feel so out of place, i was just the sloppy drunk girl that everyone loved till i puked on your shoes. when i sobered up and looked around, i realized i'd still not found whatever it was i was looking for. i thought moving back to kent would help, and it did for a little while. i did feel like i'd come home for a bit, but now it's just a town filled with annoying little assholes that irritate me. i'm not really sure what the definition - emotionally - of home is.
finding joey was a large step in the right direction i think. even before we decided to take our friendship to the next level, it was nice to have one of the few people in my life that never judged me to go to when i was having issues. when wyl and i got really bad it was nice that i could go hide with a good friend and just feel relaxed. i think that's why i decided to go along with it when wyl called it quits instead of crawling back like i always did. and you know what? as much as it hurt to let him go, it was another step in the right direction. and once it stopped feeling like someone tore my heart out of my chest i realized it was the right decision, and then joey and i began to date. i think being with him is as close to a home as i'm ever going to get, since i've never really had one, so i don't have one to go back to.
i feel like a drifter everywhere i live tho, like i'm always just passing through. i guess that is my home, to never have one. i guess i'm okay with that. i just always feel like... like something is missing. maybe it's my health, maybe it's not living in a tiny apartment infested with mold that kills my lungs, maybe it's the getting married and having kids thing, i dunno. i really don't. i just know i'll always feel like an alien, and i guess that's just how it's gonna be.
i really do miss DJing tho. and i miss dancing. there's no club near here that even comes close to my taste in music. i miss getting all ridiculously dolled up and chatting superficially with people and just dancing. i think i'd have to really twist joey's arm to get him to go to the chamber with me again, lol.
there really is no point to this entry i think. i'm just home alone for the first time in a really long time and i don't know what to do with myself.
oh yeah, joey found another job, thank god. in his field this time, too. laser welding. lets hope he can hold onto this one.
finding joey was a large step in the right direction i think. even before we decided to take our friendship to the next level, it was nice to have one of the few people in my life that never judged me to go to when i was having issues. when wyl and i got really bad it was nice that i could go hide with a good friend and just feel relaxed. i think that's why i decided to go along with it when wyl called it quits instead of crawling back like i always did. and you know what? as much as it hurt to let him go, it was another step in the right direction. and once it stopped feeling like someone tore my heart out of my chest i realized it was the right decision, and then joey and i began to date. i think being with him is as close to a home as i'm ever going to get, since i've never really had one, so i don't have one to go back to.
i feel like a drifter everywhere i live tho, like i'm always just passing through. i guess that is my home, to never have one. i guess i'm okay with that. i just always feel like... like something is missing. maybe it's my health, maybe it's not living in a tiny apartment infested with mold that kills my lungs, maybe it's the getting married and having kids thing, i dunno. i really don't. i just know i'll always feel like an alien, and i guess that's just how it's gonna be.
i really do miss DJing tho. and i miss dancing. there's no club near here that even comes close to my taste in music. i miss getting all ridiculously dolled up and chatting superficially with people and just dancing. i think i'd have to really twist joey's arm to get him to go to the chamber with me again, lol.
there really is no point to this entry i think. i'm just home alone for the first time in a really long time and i don't know what to do with myself.
oh yeah, joey found another job, thank god. in his field this time, too. laser welding. lets hope he can hold onto this one.
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