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i'm seriously so close to giving up. giving up school, giving up being independent, giving up trying to hold things together. i honestly don't know how much more i can take. i don't know what the fuck i did, or to whom, but my life is just one giant uphill struggle.
my health is a joke. i've been working on my goddamn bachelor's degree for 8 years. 8 fucking years. i've stopped looking for grad schools. i don't think i can handle this anymore. i can't function socially unless i'm drunk or impaired in some way, if not i'm a goddamn nervous wreck and have to excuse myself to have mini panic attacks alone in the bathroom. i'm fucking crumbling, i'm finally crumbling.
i've examined my life, trying to figure out why things happen to me. i really can't find a pattern. my health - i've always assumed that my poor health came from heavy substance abuse for the majority of my life, that i get. but the everything else...
how much bad shit can happen to one person? i feel like i'm being punished for attempting to live a normal life. i didn't have the sheer velocity of bad things happening to me when i was a deviant, when i put myself above all else. maybe that's because back then i was living for survival, not to construct something to be proud of.
i remember when i decided that i was going to turn it all around. i remember sitting on the floor of my massive upscale cleveland apartment after wyl had left me high and dry and hawks had to go home. i remember sitting in front of the picture window overlooking the cuyahoga river, crying, rocking back and forth. i remember coming to the realization that i needed to change my life, i needed to come to terms with a lot of things, and i needed to become a more genuine person because whatever it is i was certainly didn't feel right, and was getting me farther and farther up shit creek. i remember deciding to do something with my life, i remember wanting so badly to have a normal life. i decided to strive for stability, and while i knew apologizing to the people i'd wronged throughout the years wouldn't have done a damn thing, living my life in such a manner to *not* treat people as commodities would keep that from ever happening again.
well now... now i'm really wishing i hadn't come to those realizations because i wouldn't know this pain - the pain of trying desperately to build your character, your home, your family, then getting it all destroyed over and over again when you just got the foundation build. i just want to live a peaceful and meaningful life. i want a home, a good job, a family. why can't i have these things? why is it that i have to spend my entire life sucking shit?
we were looking to buy a house soon, but then joey got laid off again, and now my car is destroyed. i don't know where exactly i'm going to come up with the $1000 deductible, and i'm pretty sure it's going to be a total loss. that takes money from our attempt at buying a house. that completely rules out anything i need to do that requires a car. he most certainly doesn't have the money, so it's once again going to be up to me to fix everything. i have to fix goddamn everything. everything.
i seriously don't know how much longer i can keep trying. i really don't. i should just accept that i'm live in poverty, i mean christ, look at my childhood? how many of you could say that you house had a dirt floor and your front door was made of particle board? i should accept that nothing will work out for me, and that trying is a lost cause. i should accept that the good life was not meant for me - hell, any life besides one filled with misery and poverty peppered with poor health isn't meant for me. i'm not meant to be happy. i'm just not.
my health is a joke. i've been working on my goddamn bachelor's degree for 8 years. 8 fucking years. i've stopped looking for grad schools. i don't think i can handle this anymore. i can't function socially unless i'm drunk or impaired in some way, if not i'm a goddamn nervous wreck and have to excuse myself to have mini panic attacks alone in the bathroom. i'm fucking crumbling, i'm finally crumbling.
i've examined my life, trying to figure out why things happen to me. i really can't find a pattern. my health - i've always assumed that my poor health came from heavy substance abuse for the majority of my life, that i get. but the everything else...
how much bad shit can happen to one person? i feel like i'm being punished for attempting to live a normal life. i didn't have the sheer velocity of bad things happening to me when i was a deviant, when i put myself above all else. maybe that's because back then i was living for survival, not to construct something to be proud of.
i remember when i decided that i was going to turn it all around. i remember sitting on the floor of my massive upscale cleveland apartment after wyl had left me high and dry and hawks had to go home. i remember sitting in front of the picture window overlooking the cuyahoga river, crying, rocking back and forth. i remember coming to the realization that i needed to change my life, i needed to come to terms with a lot of things, and i needed to become a more genuine person because whatever it is i was certainly didn't feel right, and was getting me farther and farther up shit creek. i remember deciding to do something with my life, i remember wanting so badly to have a normal life. i decided to strive for stability, and while i knew apologizing to the people i'd wronged throughout the years wouldn't have done a damn thing, living my life in such a manner to *not* treat people as commodities would keep that from ever happening again.
well now... now i'm really wishing i hadn't come to those realizations because i wouldn't know this pain - the pain of trying desperately to build your character, your home, your family, then getting it all destroyed over and over again when you just got the foundation build. i just want to live a peaceful and meaningful life. i want a home, a good job, a family. why can't i have these things? why is it that i have to spend my entire life sucking shit?
we were looking to buy a house soon, but then joey got laid off again, and now my car is destroyed. i don't know where exactly i'm going to come up with the $1000 deductible, and i'm pretty sure it's going to be a total loss. that takes money from our attempt at buying a house. that completely rules out anything i need to do that requires a car. he most certainly doesn't have the money, so it's once again going to be up to me to fix everything. i have to fix goddamn everything. everything.
i seriously don't know how much longer i can keep trying. i really don't. i should just accept that i'm live in poverty, i mean christ, look at my childhood? how many of you could say that you house had a dirt floor and your front door was made of particle board? i should accept that nothing will work out for me, and that trying is a lost cause. i should accept that the good life was not meant for me - hell, any life besides one filled with misery and poverty peppered with poor health isn't meant for me. i'm not meant to be happy. i'm just not.
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