(no subject)

[sprinklethief]

the past few months, my health has declined more than it ever has in my whole life. sometimes i wonder what i would do if i had time that i *wasn't* in pain. i seriously don't think i would know how to act, what to do, but i still fantasize.

i think i would start hugging people again. i've gotten out of the habit because it hurts so bad sometimes. then, i think i'd lay in bed with joey for hours just cuddling, knowing that i wouldn't have to move every 5 minutes and ruin the relaxation of it. i would shake hands more often. i would read a book, knowing that i won't have to interrupt the story to re-situate how i'm sitting/laying. i would sleep through the night because i wouldn't be waking up every half-hour to an hour to move because something hurts. i'd run. i'd roll around in leaf piles. i'd paint again because i won't be shaking from pain. i'd fly a kite. i'd wrestle joey like the good ol' days. i'd swing on a swing and jump off. i'd buy a pair of shoes you have to tie and untie every time you take them off or put them on. i'd buy shirts with buttons. i'd pin my own name tag on my work shirt. i'd flush my pain meds (even though i've been refusing to take them. just to know i didn't NEED them anymore would bring piece of mind). i'd breathe. i'd stretch out every part of me across our king sized bed. i'd skateboard again. i'd run with niklas through the park.

i'd live.


this is not life. this isn't even death. i've somehow managed to go to hell without ever dying.

Comments

[joybeans.livejournal.com]

I'm so sorry you've had to suffer so much. It isn't right and it isn't fair. *hugs*

[indy-skies.livejournal.com]

i've read back in your journal and get the gist of what's going on now. very sorry for my absence. i haven't been a good LJ friend for some time now. kym, i don't know why shit piles up on you. you're a good person. i utterly believe that. and if there was a god - he/she would never be this cruel to somebody so undeserving... so i conclude we must truly be alone in this world. but not alone amongst each other. keep writing here, as often as you can bear it. keep reaching out to those you love and who love you. gosh... i know funds are limited and mainstream medicine is totally failing you... i wish you could go to one of those pain clinics that teach people with chronic pain how to deal emotionally. not that you aren't already doing a bang up job... but apparently there's some mind voodoo that can help in pain control. i don't know enough about it. i know you don't need my sympathy... or my sympathy can't do much to help you out... but it kills me that this is happening to you. because i only see what you have to offer. what you'd be capable of without all this crap. if it is any consolation whatsoever, i will remember you - even if my LJ days come to and end eventually, someday - when i am a doctor and i will perhaps have a glimpse into what the people in chronic pain go through while i attempt to treat them. is medicinal marijuana available in your state? not that you need something else to cloud your mind... but it does wonders for some people. even if you were to acquire it by other means. i don't know what your thoughts are on the matter. when you are able to be remotely mobile have you tried hydrotherapy? obviously you could pay a lot for that sort of thing and i'm guessing it works best on muscle injuries... not spinal... but even going to your local pool and sinking into the hot tub might give you some relief. but then maybe i grossly underestimate things. sending all my love, support and thoughts your way.