(no subject)

[sprinklethief]

i can't sleep. after last night there's no way in hell i'm taking an ambien. my acid days are over for a reason.

i'm really bummed out about my car. you never really realize how much your car gives you freedom until you're bumming rides, ashamed as fuck that you have to do so. i can't ride my bike cuz my back is all fucked up, same with extended walks. joey's car randomly doesn't start if you've only driven it a short distance, plus its difficult for me to get into because its so low down to the ground. its also pretty much falling apart. it always sounds like something is going to snap and fall off when you go around corners and there's a hole in the gas tank.

when i get really upset savage henry (my car) and i would pick out some good music and cruise the back roads. when i have to escape, we do the same thing. i could really use that right now, its really cool out, the crickets are singing - perfect back road cruising night.

i'm happy for my time alone, my head is all kinds of fucked right now and i'm not really sure why. some psychologist i am. school is depressing me right now for some reason (though i'm certain that will pass). having all the students back really irritates me too.

i'm getting old. i never used to feel it before, but now... now i do. i look at models for clothing lines and think "christ, get some clothes on that kid!!" and then i realize "that kid" is like 20. my health is shit, i'm always in pain. my arthritis kicks my ass on a daily basis. my arthritis. seriously. i don't know ANY of the music on the radio these days post 1999, hell, more like 1995.

i really fucked my life up because of all the dumb crap i did from my late teens to early/mid 20s. i know for a fact that a great deal of my health issues are more than likely from binge drinking every night from ages 19 - 24 along with the thousands, hell - probably millions - of dollars of drugs i've done. i'm sure strutting around on 9-inch platform heels (the "christ heels" i called them) for the better part of 6 years really didn't help much. neither did smoking for more than a decade.

i wouldn't say i'm filled with regret. no, i think its more along the lines of reflection at this point. i should have been farther along in life. i shouldn't be living in some shit-hole tiny apartment finishing my first degree. i should be finishing grad school. i shouldn't be 27 years old and being the night manager at a drug store. i should have done something more by now. i should have known better.

i'll admit it, i'm depressed. guess my meds pooped out on me. time for another med change i guess.

Comments

[stylish-deviant.livejournal.com]

it could be worse darlin'....you could be 34, have no degree, no job and live in your parents attic...count your blessings pumpkin...and give yourself a break...you rock...xx

[lucidrebellion.livejournal.com]

think of it this ay.

ahhh trying to type a post but macbook is screwing up. hell. i'll chat with you later ;)

[ciani.livejournal.com]

The important thing to remember is that you're moving along now, and doing well. It just takes time. *hugs*

[limbik.livejournal.com]

I admire you, if that makes a difference.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i know you totally understand that it's just really hard to look up sometimes. i think i'm having one of those times, i'm sure i'll be fine soon, i always seem to perk back up. i think i just got shit on way too many time in a row, another thing i know you understand. ::hugs::

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

see? my luck is so bad it even effects people trying to contact me! lol.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i just seem to be in perpetual slow motion, something always comes up, yanno?

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

it does actually ;)

[ciani.livejournal.com]

yeah, but that's what life is, you're still moving forward not backwards

[stylish-deviant.livejournal.com]

i do understand darlin'...two peas in a pod we are...xx

[cujokisses.livejournal.com]

This is exactly what goes through my head ALL THE TIME. I fucked up big time and am just NOW, at 25, beginning my first year of college (tried before but dropped out the first day due to having a cocaine dealer in my class and the first day buying off him - felt I wasn't taking school seriously enough and that I'd get myself into trouble with that kid, so I waited longer before I went back). The club and concerts were my life when really school and work should have been. My health and mental issues have also cut a great deal of time off for me, so I consider myself to have LOTS of catching up to do. It scares me to even THINK about going out with friends or to any clubs because that whole life is too familiar to me and easy to get sucked back into know matter how much it dulls my brain now. I've spent too much of my life not caring and not being serious. I look back to all that and the only good thing that has come from it were a couple of good friends that I wouldn't have met at college. Was it worth all those years though, honestly? No.

There's nothing we could do about it now exept push ourselves to make the most of ourselves for the rest of our lives. I think it was a good learning lesson. I'll definitely never laze up on myself again. So, when I'm 70 I'll probably be a body builder or something. haa

[radiation88.livejournal.com]

I love you and look up to you. "Head up, pup" is what I always tell Echo.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

and that's why we'll always get along ;)

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

at a verrrrry slow pace i'm afraid, lol. how's your back doing?

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

yanno, that's a good point. i fucked up college my first time pretty bad. this time around i've taken it MUCH more seriously and busted my ASS. i tell everyone it's because this is my second chance that most people don't get, so i can't blow it.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

look up to me? aren't you like 6 inches taller than me?! lol.

[ciani.livejournal.com]

eh, it's been bugging me. I'm going to call the surgeon back this week.