manicmanicmanicmanic

[sprinklethief]

this is my first manic episode since being medicated. i really like that the doctors aren't trying to stifle the illness, just take away the severity of it. i actually am enjoying the ups and downs because i'm starting to be able to think more clearly, and the more research i do the more i'm starting to be able to identify the warning signs of a change approaching. right now i feel like a spectator watching this rollercoaster, but not in a bad way, it's interesting to see things like clockwork... well i guess clockwork is the wrong phrase... it's still unexpected and sporadic, but the swoops and crests work the same way each time depending on what kind it's going to be...

so yeah, in 6 hours i'll have reached the 48 hour mark of being awake with a quick hour and a half snooze around 11am this morning. i just chugged half a bottle of awful cough syrup in the hopes of passing out next to my snoring cherub (of doom) in our bed... but it still hasn't phased me. i think that when i see my pdoc on the 27th that i'm going to have to ask for some sedatives for times like this. maybe some ambien... mmmm, ambien...

the doctors today... lets just say i- in a roundabout way- pulled an al jourgenson. not quite to the extent of a colastamy bag, but my ex heroin addiction did indeed do some pretty heavy damage to some... gross parts... but we're starting a treatment plan to see what can be done to counteract the damage i did. i curse the day i pulled on the belt around my arm and said "you gotta die from something!" cuz this frankly sucks ass. she's also making me get a trans-uteral ultrasound looking for more cysts (yay, that dance again). i hope they find nothing but i have a sinking suspicion that's not going to be the case...

it's weird... thinking to myself right now "if i'd have known the damage i was doing to myself i wouldn't have even started." but i know that isn't true. i'd like to think that, being that i'm a lot more grown-up now, i would have used my brain... but anyone who knew me back then could have told you that i'd have done it anyway... "if the me i am now met the me i was then i would have kicked my own ass!" i guess this is my first real dose of paying for my irresponsibility. i guess that's why i'm not mad, i know i was asking for SOMETHING, and being that i dodged so many bullets for so long i knew one was going to hit eventually...

eh, i guess that's life... at least that's what they told me anyway...

Comments

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I wouldn't have listened either. I was just too miserable and at the time that was the only way I knew to feel better.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

funny when you think about it and look back like that. especially if you've turned around and faced the demons you were trying to run from like we have.

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

I know, it was all fairly counter productive. It didn't make any of my problems go away, it just gave a a drug problem on top of them. If I could go back in time I would kick myself.