(no subject)

this is one of those days that i don't know if i can make it.

i don't see living through this as much of a priority.

it gets so tiring to have to defend myself against myself. it's a constant stress in my head, me against myself. it's torture. i ache from it in my soul.

i don't know what keeps going wrong with me.

yes i do.

i just don't like it.

i wish i could just go on disability and try to heal myself. i wasn't ready to go back to work yet...

a few nights ago i kept hearing bloodcurdling screams from a female....

no one else seemed to.

i couldn't see half my face this morning... it just wasn't there...

i know that it's my mind doing it's whole schizophrenia thing, but that doesn't make it any easier. especially since i can't take my antipsychotic on a daily basis or i'm instantly katatonic sprinkled with the tiniest of seisures.

emotionally, i know that this seemingly out of control spiral is not my fault either. i know its just stupid bipolar rearing it's ugly head as it tends to do every few days, i usually pull out of it... not now. the meds for bipolar don't seem to be working anymore, and the meds for depressive state aren't working either...

it's so hard to hold on...

(no subject)

i have to keep taking breaks from work to cry.

this is ridiculous.

i wish i were dead.