sore

[sprinklethief]

so many people have the misconception that someone like me can pop a pill and be fine. that would be super if that were true, but... it's not. a cure for mental illness... can you imagine how rich that person would be?

the reality of it is - sometimes i'm in bad shape. it doesn't mean i'm going to start throwing tables at people and going into full on attack mode. luckily i've been able to keep myself pretty chill over the past few years, just knocking things over seems to suffice when need be. still, not everything that happens to me is because of the crazy. i get angry just like anyone else (i have to watch myself more than the average tom, dick and sally because i can easily fly off the handle and overreact then go down psycho road) i just exhibit some amount of self control, and maybe i need to blow off a little more steam than a normal person - but the fact of the matter is - it's under control i'm not a goddamn raving lunatic.

and i get depressed. again i have to watch myself because i'll fall down the rabbit hole if given the chance to and that's not an experience i'd want to relive any time soon. but face it - shitty things happen in life. that's life. sad things happen. sometimes you need to take some time and deal with your sadness. while yes, i wish they made a drug powerful enough to hop me up to being elated at all times - they don't. once again we come to "pop a pill, be fine." it just doesn't happen. why, then, do i take medication? because i WILL fall down the rabbit hole without it. no if's and's or but's about it. i'd rather be holding my head just above water than dead at the bottom.

i dunno why i'm writing this. i'm really just sick of people assuming that my meds will make me super happy fun time person, and i cannot experience any negative emotions without being deemed a loon. some of us are just born depressed, just like some people are born with spina bifida. it's unfortunate, but you have to play the hand you're dealt. maybe i'll never be a truly happy person, that's something i've accepted and most people know about me, but i do still get happy - it's not entirely unheard of. i've just had a lot of shitty events happen at the same time (as they normally do) recently and it all bummed me out. i'm not going to go blow my head off over it (even if my shitty brain wants to), i'm just going to try to keep it together until it passes, take baby steps.

i guess the short and long of it is that i try damn hard to appear like everything's fine, just like a normal person, and then do internal damage control. most people just think i'm stoic and unfeeling, but there's actual emotion going on in there, trust me. i'm not a freak of nature that's going to constantly inconvenience people with my inner workings (hey man, you CHOSE to read this far) and go all whack-job killer bunnies from outer space on you. i'm sick of people expecting that too. i haven't had a full on flip out since i lived in lakewood almost two years ago. i've just taken big bites out of my shit sandwich like everyone else and pressed on the best i can. i'm not going to get angry and bite you in the face because you cut in front of me in line at the grocery store and i'm not going to kill myself over a B on a test (though i'd be really freaked out and wonder what the hell happened). i'm just going to sit there and get kicked in the teeth like everyone else (unless i can avoid a situation such as that) and deal with it - which is a lot more than i can say for some "normal" people. and if there ever is a time when i need help and i'm in over my head - i know how to let someone know, you don't have to hold my hand and tell me everything's going to be fine because sometimes everything ISN'T going to be fine - you don't have to lie to me just to calm me down. most people don't want that job anyways - that's what paid professionals are for.

wow, i didn't mean to write that much. there you go, something more personal than meme's and pill hate (that's one of my favorite nepenthene-isms along with "batshit insane" and "a truck full of what the fuck"). i dunno, maybe it's all contradictory but i can't fucking organize my thoughts so well these days. that i think i can blame on the crazy as i'm no longer taking any meds that should be causing it. maybe i am just a big dumb loon. a big dumb loon that needs to get her shit together to go play with other big dumb loons (that's not fair, they're actually pretty level headed for the severity of their illness).

Comments

[couchemal.livejournal.com]

I aim to please.

I dunno if you were serious when you said it, but I have totally bitten someone in the face.

Never thrown a table at anyone though, you win. My mom did once throw a footstool through a window, however.

[matafleur.livejournal.com]

I can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound trite and such, but I could empathize a lot with this post.


We should go out for sushi.

[staindglasstear.livejournal.com]

Sometimes I wonder if no one knew I was bipolar if they would still acuse me of being "crazy" whenever I feel angry. It is perfectly normal to feel emotions. It's what we do with them that matters. For instance sometimes I will go stand in the shower with the water on full blast and just sob and sob. Not because of anything dreadful happening but just as a release.

I don't know where exactly I'm going with this but just remember that you are normal. It's everyone who is crazy.

You are always in my thoughts and prayers. I'm glad my card cheered you up some.

Now go throw a table. You'll feel better. Just make sure no one is in front of it.

*hugs* Merry Christmas

[waffles2poles.livejournal.com]

Not to that extreme but yup, all of it.

And I would sooo send you a Xmas card if I had an actually list. I should start one. Maybe I should.

So here's yours:

*singing off key* MERRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY CAHRISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTMAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSS...andahappynewyear ( Cuz you, of all people need one ).

See I even personalized it.

Be well.

Late.