work work work

[sprinklethief]

i work a lot. once school starts i'll have even less time.

i think i like it like this, so long as it's not ridiculous like the last job where i'd wake up and leave when it was still dark and come home 12-13 hours later.


i looked at my info page today and read my quote: "desperation is the raw material of drastic change. only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape." -william s. burroughs

desperation is the raw material of drastic change.

am i the result of desperation? am i convienience? am i the fall back?

sometimes we don't realize that we could do all the sweet talking in the world, say everything that needs to be said, hit every nerve, win every heart... but actions will forever speak louder than words.

i was left in a state of pure desperation not long ago. i made serious changes, seriously worked on myself. i HAD to. i didn't just stop because something distracted me.

perhaps it's made me over-cautious, but i'd rather be over-cautious and safe then careless and bleeding again.

only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape

i beginning to think it's easier to just believe in nothing, not that i was fully believing anything. if i can't hold it in my hand and aknowledge what it is - right now i just picked up a water bottle and took a drink, i believe it was water in a plastic container - then i won't believe it.

the things people say tend to have an agenda attatched to it, at least for me. that's something i realized during all of this refashioning of myself. there is always something masked just below the surface that they want from you whether you know it or not. no one's intentions are pure. so then, do you continue befriending people and interacting with people knowing that or do you remain singular and shield yourself from ill intent?

there is no pleasure without pain. there is no happiness without sadness. someone will always be waiting to hurt you. someone will always be waiting to do something awful to you. should you spend all of your time trying to expose who? should you just ignore it and knowingly put yourself in the line of fire?

i mean seriously, i've never been any good at human interaction without some kind of help (booze, drugs). for once in my life i'm sober and i'm noticing the patterns of people and they are just unbelievable. i may not have always, but i live my life as well as i can. i try not to do anything bad to people, i try not to use people, i try to treat people as i would want them to treat me. i'm not some rightous freak, i'm just trying to be a decent and honest human being. i don't have an agenda (well not always, i don't want to put my foot in my mouth), i just want the meat of people (braaaaaaains), i don't care about everything else... you don't learn anything when you're scheming...

maybe i'm different, i don't know.

wow, this is a bit personal for this journal... but i have to get ready for work so i don't have time to check it over. i'm sure i'm going to be sorry i posted it.

Comments

[nemesisn72.livejournal.com]

balance is hard to attain sometimes

we as human beings long for closeness yet fear hurt and rejection, which makes relations a bitch (and is what causes so many to play those games, have agendas, and do stupid shit). Fear is the killer of true intimacy, and people hurt each other so much because of it (and hurt themselves in the process)

good luck girl...it sounds like you're on a similar path to mine, but then again, I've always felt that way

xo

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

i never had fear until i was hurt, it's a whole new concept to me. how do you deal with that? i mean, you spend so long trusting another human being 100% only to be stabbed in the gut, you certainly don't want to put yourself in a position where that could happen again, so when even the tiniest of signs show you instantly cover your gut... it's like an abused animal when you raise your hand...

why hurt someone you love in the first place? you love them!

this path blows.

[nemesisn72.livejournal.com]

that stuff does blow

I meant the path to figuring out the balance thing ;p

I would never wish all that other stuff on anyone, especially not you

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

is there even a balance? someone will always have ill intent...

[nemesisn72.livejournal.com]

I feel that a balance can be reached for the self. That we as individuals can learn how to still allow ourselves to feel without letting others hurt us so much. We can only control what we do, not what others do.

Maybe I'm explaining this incorrectly. I'm trying to explain something that's hard to verbalize.

[noroad.livejournal.com]

What kinds of agendas do most people have? Not only is it very personal, it's very heavy. It's almost as personal as it gets.

[paroxysm-cycle.livejournal.com]

agendas regarding me? most people are trying to fuck me as narcisitic as that sounds. fuck me or something else perverted, it really makes me uncomfortable around people and sometimes i misjudge people who might not even be thinking that.

personal... yeah. i just have a LOT on my mind and wanted to put it somewhere i could get a little feedback. i'm scared to put a lot of shit in here because i get a lot of unwelcome responses sometimes, but i figured i'd give it a shot.

[noroad.livejournal.com]

Wow, it's the worst, isn't it - when that's the agenda. It's so... disgusting. Man I hate that. It makes me so pissed to think about. What makes you suspicious that that's what somebody's after? Suggestive comments? stuff like that?

I just wrote a longer response, but it seemed so stupid and hypocritical and also, dare i say shallow, I deleted it. I think it would be fantastic to do away with human relationships completely and live in a mountain. Notice I'm not there, though.