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i can't sleep.
i have the second to last part of my ADHD/IQ testing tomorrow. i'm seriously ready for it to be over, it's been so long and grueling (and expensive without insurance). but at least i'll be able to show doctors for sure that i have proven ADHD so they can stop treating me like a speed addict and i'll know my IQ now as a kicker, not that it has any bearing on anything.
i had dinner with my dad this weekend. he's not looking so good, and i think he knows it. the doctors say they'd be surprised if he lasted 10 years, maybe not even 5. walking is pretty much out of the picture for him now. watching him try to take even one stair is really sad. looking at the man who once carried me on his shoulders not even being able to sit up strait... i read his MRI reports and the lesions are multiplying, especially on his brain. the parietal lobe is the latest casualty, taking quite a few for the team. this is making him lose his speech functioning a little bit, and if you know my dad, you know that he LOVES to talk, so this is really hard to watch. his balance and mobility is almost totally shot. he fell out his trailer a few weeks back and couldn't get up (we joked about getting him life alert, lol) but he finally managed to get to his phone after an hour or so and call me for help. my dad doesn't ask for help. justin and i got him up and into bed, he was filthy from the dirt on the ground on one side of his face and body from squirming around to try to get up. i had to change his shirt for him and put his socks back on. i kept my composure until about halfway home, then i just sort of lost it. it was a weird totally uncontrollable sobbing i've never experienced before. it was horrible, and i felt no better afterwards.
he's gotten so much worse since the beginning of the year. the VA got him a rascal, and we finally convinced him to use the damn thing. he's been fighting a wheel chair for some time now, but i think he's realized that if he wants any semblance of freedom, it's going to have to be on a scooter. even from a year ago i can't believe he's degraded this fast. it seems unreal, like i'm waiting for him to jump up and be like "HA! GOTCHA!" but i know it isn't going to happen.
its so hard to watch, knowing what's coming next. i think he's accepted it, me - not so much. he seems content on making his last few years enjoyable, which is something his life hasn't been in a very long time. i feel like i should tell everyone that knows him to get their face time in now, but i can't bring myself to make it that real, yanno? i know i'm going to have to, i'm power of attorney and executor of estate so we have to get everything in order. so many of my ex's and friends have known him, and are quite fond of the wily old codger. i know i'm going to have to face the music and get everyone that wants to see him to understand how little time may be left, but i want just a little longer...
he didn't get to be there for my high school years, and he's suddenly taken an interest in helping me study for my last two semesters of undergrad. he also wants to help me study for the LSAT. i'm thinking about postponing when i take the actual LSAT until december so that he can come over often and "help" me. i took a practice one and i came out 176 out of 180 which is incredibly good i'm told, but if it means i get to hang out with my dad, and he gets to feel like he's contributing to my education and future career, what's a few months, right? in the meantime i can get all of my other credentials ready for application time so that the LSAT is the only thing missing, and who knows, maybe the constant drilling of logic games might get me that perfect 180 and i'll end up at harvard law, lol (yeah right). i'm even considering going to my commencement, something i swore i'd never do, because he didn't get to come to my high school graduation. i mean, a bachelors is the new diploma, so it's kind of like high school graduation, right?
i'm not really sure why i'm sharing all of this, but i had to get it out of my head. the past few nights i've waited for justin to fall asleep so i can go cry. he just lost his grandma in april and his grandfather on the other side this month, and they were both pretty hard blows to him (on top of a whole different set of insanity going on), the last thing he needs is me getting weepy over someone who's still alive. i know he'd kick my ass over not sharing, and it's not like he wouldn't comfort me, but i guess i'm just not ready to go there yet. it's another thing that will make it more real, and i just want a little bit longer to stay in the "my parents are invincible" haze we all grow up in.
i feel like such an asshole. all the major depression and agoraphobia this past year has kept me from spending a lot of time with him, and before that it was working between 45-60 hours a week. this was all time i could have been spending with him while he wasn't this bad, and i fucking wasted it on getting caught up in my own mental illnesses and cowardice. now i have 18 credit hours, almost all upper division courses, so i'm swamped with homework and studying. he knows this, and i think that's why he is trying to help me study. he knows that's a sure-fire way to inject yourself in my life - mix with school, which aside from my husband *is* my life right now. i have to admit, i'm actually kind of excited at the idea of having a parent helping me with my homework, proof-reading papers and quizzing me. i never had that, my mother wasn't interested in being a mother, and she kept me from my father, wouldn't let my stepdad raise me in any way. i know she was sick, but i can't help but harbor a bit of spite for that, especially now. those were years i could have been out hiking with my dad, helping with his old boyscout troop, riding ATV's... but i can't change that.
i wish i knew what to do to make it stop hurting so bad, but i know this is just the tip of the iceberg.
i have the second to last part of my ADHD/IQ testing tomorrow. i'm seriously ready for it to be over, it's been so long and grueling (and expensive without insurance). but at least i'll be able to show doctors for sure that i have proven ADHD so they can stop treating me like a speed addict and i'll know my IQ now as a kicker, not that it has any bearing on anything.
i had dinner with my dad this weekend. he's not looking so good, and i think he knows it. the doctors say they'd be surprised if he lasted 10 years, maybe not even 5. walking is pretty much out of the picture for him now. watching him try to take even one stair is really sad. looking at the man who once carried me on his shoulders not even being able to sit up strait... i read his MRI reports and the lesions are multiplying, especially on his brain. the parietal lobe is the latest casualty, taking quite a few for the team. this is making him lose his speech functioning a little bit, and if you know my dad, you know that he LOVES to talk, so this is really hard to watch. his balance and mobility is almost totally shot. he fell out his trailer a few weeks back and couldn't get up (we joked about getting him life alert, lol) but he finally managed to get to his phone after an hour or so and call me for help. my dad doesn't ask for help. justin and i got him up and into bed, he was filthy from the dirt on the ground on one side of his face and body from squirming around to try to get up. i had to change his shirt for him and put his socks back on. i kept my composure until about halfway home, then i just sort of lost it. it was a weird totally uncontrollable sobbing i've never experienced before. it was horrible, and i felt no better afterwards.
he's gotten so much worse since the beginning of the year. the VA got him a rascal, and we finally convinced him to use the damn thing. he's been fighting a wheel chair for some time now, but i think he's realized that if he wants any semblance of freedom, it's going to have to be on a scooter. even from a year ago i can't believe he's degraded this fast. it seems unreal, like i'm waiting for him to jump up and be like "HA! GOTCHA!" but i know it isn't going to happen.
its so hard to watch, knowing what's coming next. i think he's accepted it, me - not so much. he seems content on making his last few years enjoyable, which is something his life hasn't been in a very long time. i feel like i should tell everyone that knows him to get their face time in now, but i can't bring myself to make it that real, yanno? i know i'm going to have to, i'm power of attorney and executor of estate so we have to get everything in order. so many of my ex's and friends have known him, and are quite fond of the wily old codger. i know i'm going to have to face the music and get everyone that wants to see him to understand how little time may be left, but i want just a little longer...
he didn't get to be there for my high school years, and he's suddenly taken an interest in helping me study for my last two semesters of undergrad. he also wants to help me study for the LSAT. i'm thinking about postponing when i take the actual LSAT until december so that he can come over often and "help" me. i took a practice one and i came out 176 out of 180 which is incredibly good i'm told, but if it means i get to hang out with my dad, and he gets to feel like he's contributing to my education and future career, what's a few months, right? in the meantime i can get all of my other credentials ready for application time so that the LSAT is the only thing missing, and who knows, maybe the constant drilling of logic games might get me that perfect 180 and i'll end up at harvard law, lol (yeah right). i'm even considering going to my commencement, something i swore i'd never do, because he didn't get to come to my high school graduation. i mean, a bachelors is the new diploma, so it's kind of like high school graduation, right?
i'm not really sure why i'm sharing all of this, but i had to get it out of my head. the past few nights i've waited for justin to fall asleep so i can go cry. he just lost his grandma in april and his grandfather on the other side this month, and they were both pretty hard blows to him (on top of a whole different set of insanity going on), the last thing he needs is me getting weepy over someone who's still alive. i know he'd kick my ass over not sharing, and it's not like he wouldn't comfort me, but i guess i'm just not ready to go there yet. it's another thing that will make it more real, and i just want a little bit longer to stay in the "my parents are invincible" haze we all grow up in.
i feel like such an asshole. all the major depression and agoraphobia this past year has kept me from spending a lot of time with him, and before that it was working between 45-60 hours a week. this was all time i could have been spending with him while he wasn't this bad, and i fucking wasted it on getting caught up in my own mental illnesses and cowardice. now i have 18 credit hours, almost all upper division courses, so i'm swamped with homework and studying. he knows this, and i think that's why he is trying to help me study. he knows that's a sure-fire way to inject yourself in my life - mix with school, which aside from my husband *is* my life right now. i have to admit, i'm actually kind of excited at the idea of having a parent helping me with my homework, proof-reading papers and quizzing me. i never had that, my mother wasn't interested in being a mother, and she kept me from my father, wouldn't let my stepdad raise me in any way. i know she was sick, but i can't help but harbor a bit of spite for that, especially now. those were years i could have been out hiking with my dad, helping with his old boyscout troop, riding ATV's... but i can't change that.
i wish i knew what to do to make it stop hurting so bad, but i know this is just the tip of the iceberg.
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From:
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From:
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There's nothing I can say to help, just know that I'm here if you need to talk about this at all, or if you need me to drive to kent so you can get snotty on my shoulder. I love you and him and i'm so sad you both have to go thru this :(