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so the shit storm never stops over here - joey lost his job.
this makes me the sole breadwinner at $8.10 an hour (the boss just sorta *forgot* about my raise - i think i'm going to have to go over his head). just when things were starting to return to normal around here after shelling out my entire savings for the car accident in august. now my much needed neck surgery is a pipe dream. all the money for that car nightmare has set our household back more than i ever thought possible. i thought "hey, i have $1500 in my savings, why don't i just go ahead and blow it all out my ass!!" seriously though, we're pretty much fucked. it's been a few years since i've had to live this tight financially, never since joey's lived here. i wonder if i still have my "101 ways to cook ramen" cook book. hell, i've been trying to lose weight, what better way than not being able to afford food (its not actually that bad, yet)?!
it's just not fucking fair. we're good people, we help others whenever and wherever we can. we pay our taxes, we go to work every day (until told not to), we don't hurt other people, we just struggle to make it day by day, we adopt abused and neglected animals, we reach out to friends in need. no, i don't do these things for any amount of recognition - this is just who i am, but you'd think "the universe" or whatever would take notice of the fact that we are indeed *not* assholes. why does only bad shit happen to us? and don't say "buck up, it'll get better" ESPECIALLY if you've been reading my journal for a few years - you know for a fact it's not going to get better, it never does, in fact it usually gets worse. don't say "it'll all work out" because once again, you know for a fact that it wont. what usually happens is shit goes horribly awry and i just figure out a way to live with it.
screw you for thinking i have a pessimistic outlook too, because look at what i have to go on. look at this wonderful kingdom of shit i preside over. look at my life, look at my history, and give me ONE GODDAMN REASON to be even remotely optimistic. i've had it, i can't keep finding the silver lining because it just hurts too damn bad now. what silver lining i do find usually gets taken away anyways.
it's times like this that i realize the functionality of faith, and envy those that are able to convince themselves that whatever faith they follow will keep them safe. yanno, i've tried "leaving things to the universe" and i've tried having "faith" that things will get better, and that just left me deluded and pissed off that "faith" didn't help soften the blow. there's a certain point in life for some of us that we realize there's no way there is a god, because "god" wouldn't allow so much suffering and so much pain to befall a single person. then you look at those less fortunate than you and you KNOW there is no god. oh, wait, that's right, he's TESTING us. well i never signed up for any fucking classes, i don't want to be "tested" anymore. i just want this all to be over. i want things to get better. sure, if i have faith that they will then i'll feel a little better, but i'm a realist - i'd like to view things as they are, not how i wish they'd be. i suppose that's one of my biggest flaws, i can't just "let go and let god" because i realize that i'm the only one in control of this monstrosity of a life, and letting go will ultimately drag me under.
there was a time when i though "well, life is getting all the bad shit out of the way so i'll have a good life in the end." but the older i get, things remain unchanged - if not worse. with each passing year i become more jaded, more critical, more sure that for some reason i was chosen to suffer more than the average person. while sometimes it *is* comforting for people around me to notice (that way i know its not all in my head) and say things like "why can't you ever get a break?!" i'm not necessarily looking for pity, and i'm not sure that statements like those *are* necessarily pity. it does help ease the blow a bit to hear "i'm sending you good juju" and all other versions of that phrase, because i would like to believe that the caring of other people - whether it be in the form of juju or whatever else - at least lets me know that i'm not imagining all of this.
fuck, i just don't know. i don't know where to go from here. i know that i have to keep pushing forward - i made a promise to always do just that, but goddamn it if i don't just feel like a pack animal aimlessly ambling along with the world on my back. maybe that's why i have so many spine problems.
here's to running face-first into more adversity. cheers.
this makes me the sole breadwinner at $8.10 an hour (the boss just sorta *forgot* about my raise - i think i'm going to have to go over his head). just when things were starting to return to normal around here after shelling out my entire savings for the car accident in august. now my much needed neck surgery is a pipe dream. all the money for that car nightmare has set our household back more than i ever thought possible. i thought "hey, i have $1500 in my savings, why don't i just go ahead and blow it all out my ass!!" seriously though, we're pretty much fucked. it's been a few years since i've had to live this tight financially, never since joey's lived here. i wonder if i still have my "101 ways to cook ramen" cook book. hell, i've been trying to lose weight, what better way than not being able to afford food (its not actually that bad, yet)?!
it's just not fucking fair. we're good people, we help others whenever and wherever we can. we pay our taxes, we go to work every day (until told not to), we don't hurt other people, we just struggle to make it day by day, we adopt abused and neglected animals, we reach out to friends in need. no, i don't do these things for any amount of recognition - this is just who i am, but you'd think "the universe" or whatever would take notice of the fact that we are indeed *not* assholes. why does only bad shit happen to us? and don't say "buck up, it'll get better" ESPECIALLY if you've been reading my journal for a few years - you know for a fact it's not going to get better, it never does, in fact it usually gets worse. don't say "it'll all work out" because once again, you know for a fact that it wont. what usually happens is shit goes horribly awry and i just figure out a way to live with it.
screw you for thinking i have a pessimistic outlook too, because look at what i have to go on. look at this wonderful kingdom of shit i preside over. look at my life, look at my history, and give me ONE GODDAMN REASON to be even remotely optimistic. i've had it, i can't keep finding the silver lining because it just hurts too damn bad now. what silver lining i do find usually gets taken away anyways.
it's times like this that i realize the functionality of faith, and envy those that are able to convince themselves that whatever faith they follow will keep them safe. yanno, i've tried "leaving things to the universe" and i've tried having "faith" that things will get better, and that just left me deluded and pissed off that "faith" didn't help soften the blow. there's a certain point in life for some of us that we realize there's no way there is a god, because "god" wouldn't allow so much suffering and so much pain to befall a single person. then you look at those less fortunate than you and you KNOW there is no god. oh, wait, that's right, he's TESTING us. well i never signed up for any fucking classes, i don't want to be "tested" anymore. i just want this all to be over. i want things to get better. sure, if i have faith that they will then i'll feel a little better, but i'm a realist - i'd like to view things as they are, not how i wish they'd be. i suppose that's one of my biggest flaws, i can't just "let go and let god" because i realize that i'm the only one in control of this monstrosity of a life, and letting go will ultimately drag me under.
there was a time when i though "well, life is getting all the bad shit out of the way so i'll have a good life in the end." but the older i get, things remain unchanged - if not worse. with each passing year i become more jaded, more critical, more sure that for some reason i was chosen to suffer more than the average person. while sometimes it *is* comforting for people around me to notice (that way i know its not all in my head) and say things like "why can't you ever get a break?!" i'm not necessarily looking for pity, and i'm not sure that statements like those *are* necessarily pity. it does help ease the blow a bit to hear "i'm sending you good juju" and all other versions of that phrase, because i would like to believe that the caring of other people - whether it be in the form of juju or whatever else - at least lets me know that i'm not imagining all of this.
fuck, i just don't know. i don't know where to go from here. i know that i have to keep pushing forward - i made a promise to always do just that, but goddamn it if i don't just feel like a pack animal aimlessly ambling along with the world on my back. maybe that's why i have so many spine problems.
here's to running face-first into more adversity. cheers.