hello, blackbird, goodbye

[sprinklethief]

dump #1:

there's recently been a point in my life that i've stepped back and been baffled. there's no way i've done all that i have in almost 28 years, there simply isn't. i've been so many places and seen so many things that it all seems fake, it really does - like a different lifetime ago. every day there's something else that i forgot i did, or i amaze myself at having extensive banks of knowledge about things i thought i knew nothing about, then the more bizarre question - HOW the hell do i know these things. and i'm often at a loss.

there are two girls at work who i've begun to divulge tidbits of my life story to, and they often stand there in disbelief. this is why i don't share my story very often to very many people, because i actually sometimes FEEL like i'm lying. some things are just too damn far fetched. i can't believe the wealth of idiotic and dangerous things i've done. i know most of you guys were along for the ride at different parts, and that's why i still write in here, because you've all been a piece of my history and impacted me in some way, even if i don't comment often on your LJ often. most of you have a memory burned into my mind to go along with you. the DJ years, the stripper years, the dominatrix years, the mentally ill years, the real estate years, the video game years, first time in college, second time in college, hell - i even have some of you from high school almost 10 years later.

dump #2

i often forget that i'm an aspie. i assume everyone around me knows and that i can go on as i normally would. this is not the case, lol.

for years upon years i've been made fun of for the way i talk. for using "elegant language" at inappropriate times, and dumbing down my tongue when i should speak eloquently. whatever, it really only bugs me a fraction of the time anymore.

a girl at work's brother is an aspie like me. every day she says things like "omg, you're so like my brother its amazing!" and will give me anecdotes solidifying the fact that yes, we are both indeed autistic. she's amazed by this for some reason. she tells me on a number of occasions "i can't believe you have asperger's, i mean, i do believe it but it's so weird that i know TWO of you!" two of you. like we're a rare commodity. i realize she's striving to show me that we've got common ground and she understands when i have my little "episodes" or go off my maintenance medications for whatever reason (this week it's because i'm too tolerant to it and i need to go off of it for a spell to get back the efficacy i need to navigate properly).

it's never really been that big of a deal to me in my adult life and i've never really found it necessary to divulge to anyone because the layperson simply cannot grasp the idea. there's even been times where i'll have gone the entire course of a relationship not even telling the other person because it doesn't seem that important, like telling your significant other that you're prone to yeast infections - not detrimental knowledge. i have always just passed it off as "i'm just weird" and the whole world has ALWAYS treated me accordingly. i'm the sore thumb, i'm the elephant in the room, and i'm cool with that. i don't want to "fit in" with a group i'd have to change myself for anyways, i don't understand why we must conform in a social situation, so i never have (ESPECIALLY when you get a couple drinks in me).

but lately, and this might be because i'm off my meds for it, i've found more and more that i really am an alien compared to others. i watch idly while people conglomerate and compare how similar they are, breaking the bread of the common ground as it were, and part of me is jealous that i'll never have that (though the girl at work SWEARS that her brother and i will) but there's also a part of me that's fascinated by the automatism of their actions, how people just do this and think nothing of it. i personally don't think i'd be comfortable with that, but its weird how others STRIVE to be similar, grasp for that common ground, even if it means renouncing their thoughts and opinions, just to save face. perhaps this is why i was never popular in school...

dump #3

i once heard someone say "yes i'm a psychology student/psychologist, no i can't read your mind!"

i'm irritated sometimes that when i tell someone i'm a psychologist that they cringe and think my sole purpose in meeting people is to analyze them, or they assume i automatically analyze people. this couldn't be farther from the truth. i could give a shit what someone's afflictions are, i'm more interested in hearing about their lives, their experiences - not so that i can pul; it apart and wave my crazy wand to cure them, but because i really am interested in other people's lives, genuinely. i hate that people tend to hold things back with me in fear of sounding "crazy" or "mentally ill," often forgetting that i, myself am mentally ill - in fact that's how i got into this field. i'm not saying, "you can trust me, i'm a nutjob too!" because i'm sure that my (social) scientific practicality and problem solving skills do kick in from time to time, but it's certainly not meant in any type of a belittling way. in fact, i've tried to learn less critical ways of expressing myself when these things happen so that i *don't* come across as a psychologist in my interpersonal relationships.

just remember, psychologists do it on the couch.




in summation, there's really no point to any of this, i just needed to clean out my brain, plus it helps me to be more objective when i write out what bugs me, and hey! it's a journal.

okay, bedtime.