work was torture. i couldn't do anything so they put me on the register with a stool. it hurt to sit, it hurt to stand, it hurt to lean. i was in an amazing amount of pain. i don't know if i can do this... it's just too much.

medical leave (if approved by a doc) is about half of what i make a week (i barely make anything to begin with). it adds up to roughly over $400 a month (i don't know how you're supposed to live on that). unless it's workers comp, then it's the normal rate. i have two injuries. one from work, one not. i feel like i'd be shifty if i used my work injury to get workers comp and got my back fixed while i was down for the neck.

i just can't live like this, the discogram really agitated my spine (as giant needles jammed into your disks are wont to do), and my neck just keeps getting worse. i'm sick of the hurry up and wait game with doctors. i'm sick of not being a priority because i'm not going to ham up my injuries when everyone's looking. it just doesn't feel right to act like something hurts an unbelievable amount (but only when the right people are around) like a good amount of people at the pain clinic do (when i see them at CVS they're magically fine). but now since i don't put on a show i have to suffer with good ol' hurry up and wait while mr. limps like an amputee in the clinic but runs to his car in the rain at cvs gets the red carpet treatment.

maybe it's time i actually sat down with my doc and expressed all of this. they always treat me like i'm faking (well, the nurse practitioners) and act like i'm committing a crime by accepting my narcotics or if i forget to bring in my empty bottle for them to check if it's been licked clean or not. i fought like hell to get OFF of this shit and now here i am forced to live on it.

i'm tired of being in this much pain. i'm tired of being trapped in a loop because i'm poor and easily ignored. i'm tired of suffering with at least a little dignity while joe shmo gets the royal treatment because he's a good actor.

lol, wyl just put it in clear terms for me: "that's like telling the bank you don't want money you just wanna be rich"

wow, i just found out an old acquaintance died. suddenly i don't really feel like whining anymore.
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