(no subject)

i don't really believe in new year's resolutions. i do believe in making a promise to yourself, however. i don't need an arbitrary date to do so, but after the past year, it seems fitting to wipe the slate clean.

i'm sick of feeling sick. i'm tired of feeling tired.

in two weeks i will be 31 years old. in my 31 years i've had over 11 surgeries/procedures on my spine. i've had well over 20 orthopedic surgeries/procedures period. i take more medications daily than everyone i know, including my father. people tell me that they feel sorry for me when they see me, not how good it is to see me. i don't get goodbyes, i get "i hope you feel better soon" instead. i have to choose every day whether i'm going to use what little energy i have to either try to bathe or try to make dinner.

this stops now.

i recognize i'm in the middle of the worse flare i have ever had. i have a good poker face, but i know people have seen it glean across me in public, which i try my damnedest to hide. but this seriously cannot be how my life will continue. i'm not making a resolution that will be broken by the next food binge or the next beer indulgence. this supersedes the superficial. no, i'm resolving - to myself - to fix this. i will somehow get medical help. i will somehow get back into physical therapy and learn to walk correctly again. i will run again. i will wean off of as many meds as i can. i will find a way because no one - no one - should have to live like this.