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i hate being on the ass end of bad moods. what did i do? nothing. and it's important that i remember that. it's hard sometimes, but i think i can handle it. this is a fairly new progression, but i expect a lot of things just "put up" with about myself, i suppose the least i can do is return the favour. it doesn't stop things from dragging me down though. i have to stay up. i've simply got to. things get too dangerous when i'm down. tho when i've been down i've been analyzing the moods lately, measuring the magnatude and triggers, if there were any.
the new medication so far is really helping me. i haven't been in a suicidal depression yet and i usually hit those once every other day or so. granted it's only been four days, but there is a noticable difference. this stuff doesn't knock me out like the trileptol did, and it's not lithium or depakote so i'm damn sure excited about that. on trileptol i could stare at a corner for hours and be perfectly entertained, wyl can vouge for that. if i wasn't asleep i was laying in bed staring at something, sometimes the TV whether it was on or not, sometimes the floor... it was like being aon thorazine again :P lamictal tho, it's pretty badass so far. i like that i can still feel on it. i still get bummed out, i still get happy, just not to dangerous levels. i want to see if i'll hit a suicide low. i haven't been really depressed yet, but maybe the meds are helping with that. that and my rapid-cycling ass might just zip right through it on ym way to another mood, heh.
i realize that i can't expect someone to emotionally support me 24/7. they'd lose themselves in it, in me. i just wish before i dawn my shit catcher's mit that my frail emotional state could be considered and thing could be communicated. i don't believe that any bad mood is totally unfixable. other people don't have to be hurt and to suffer for it. i wonder if i do that to people when i'm pissed?
eh, i've probably already said too much. i'll probably be spanked in a public forum.... again....
but i had to rant...
i wish wyl and i kept the same sleeping schedule. i miss hanging out with him.
the new medication so far is really helping me. i haven't been in a suicidal depression yet and i usually hit those once every other day or so. granted it's only been four days, but there is a noticable difference. this stuff doesn't knock me out like the trileptol did, and it's not lithium or depakote so i'm damn sure excited about that. on trileptol i could stare at a corner for hours and be perfectly entertained, wyl can vouge for that. if i wasn't asleep i was laying in bed staring at something, sometimes the TV whether it was on or not, sometimes the floor... it was like being aon thorazine again :P lamictal tho, it's pretty badass so far. i like that i can still feel on it. i still get bummed out, i still get happy, just not to dangerous levels. i want to see if i'll hit a suicide low. i haven't been really depressed yet, but maybe the meds are helping with that. that and my rapid-cycling ass might just zip right through it on ym way to another mood, heh.
i realize that i can't expect someone to emotionally support me 24/7. they'd lose themselves in it, in me. i just wish before i dawn my shit catcher's mit that my frail emotional state could be considered and thing could be communicated. i don't believe that any bad mood is totally unfixable. other people don't have to be hurt and to suffer for it. i wonder if i do that to people when i'm pissed?
eh, i've probably already said too much. i'll probably be spanked in a public forum.... again....
but i had to rant...
i wish wyl and i kept the same sleeping schedule. i miss hanging out with him.
.