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sitting at home alone. again. like i do every day.
my mom doesn't "do" holidays (not even the pagan ones anymore). the battle between my dad/stepmother and my brother made any contact very tense on that end. usually i'd be with wyl's family because his mom is so adamant on family and holidays and she'd demand attendance.
i'm not part of that family anymore.
that hurts me deeper than i think anyone even begins to realize. part of me was secretly hoping for a phone call from them today, but now i realize the futility of that hope. aw come on, don't make that face, i was half awake with a cat on my head. i didn't realize how much those people had become my family over the years, how much i've grown to love them, yes even beth. my family never wanted to be my family, i think i accepted that before i even hit puberty. my mom only wants to act like a mom during tragedy (so long as other people are around) or when someone else's mom is around. i haven't heard from her today at all.
holidays used to mean very little to me because i had no one to share them with. whoever i was hanging out with at the time would invite me to their house but i'd always feel like a stranger, like some creepy spectator looking in the window of the happy family opening presents on christmas. but that all changed once i was actually PART of it. yeah i'd whine about having to drive "all the way down from cleveland" but secretly i was so excited to actually have somewhere to be going that i was WELCOME. going to my father's was always like a death march because my stepmother didn't want me there, so it was painful to even be there, but sherry always WANTED me there. smiled the second i walked in the door, even when her life wasn't going so well. hugged me even if wyl and i were fighting.
i hate holidays now. they remind me how completely alone i really am now.
my mom doesn't "do" holidays (not even the pagan ones anymore). the battle between my dad/stepmother and my brother made any contact very tense on that end. usually i'd be with wyl's family because his mom is so adamant on family and holidays and she'd demand attendance.
i'm not part of that family anymore.
that hurts me deeper than i think anyone even begins to realize. part of me was secretly hoping for a phone call from them today, but now i realize the futility of that hope. aw come on, don't make that face, i was half awake with a cat on my head. i didn't realize how much those people had become my family over the years, how much i've grown to love them, yes even beth. my family never wanted to be my family, i think i accepted that before i even hit puberty. my mom only wants to act like a mom during tragedy (so long as other people are around) or when someone else's mom is around. i haven't heard from her today at all.
holidays used to mean very little to me because i had no one to share them with. whoever i was hanging out with at the time would invite me to their house but i'd always feel like a stranger, like some creepy spectator looking in the window of the happy family opening presents on christmas. but that all changed once i was actually PART of it. yeah i'd whine about having to drive "all the way down from cleveland" but secretly i was so excited to actually have somewhere to be going that i was WELCOME. going to my father's was always like a death march because my stepmother didn't want me there, so it was painful to even be there, but sherry always WANTED me there. smiled the second i walked in the door, even when her life wasn't going so well. hugged me even if wyl and i were fighting.
i hate holidays now. they remind me how completely alone i really am now.
