sprinklethief | (no subject)

i hate being on the ass end of bad moods. what did i do? nothing. and it's important that i remember that. it's hard sometimes, but i think i can handle it. this is a fairly new progression, but i expect a lot of things just "put up" with about myself, i suppose the least i can do is return the favour. it doesn't stop things from dragging me down though. i have to stay up. i've simply got to. things get too dangerous when i'm down. tho when i've been down i've been analyzing the moods lately, measuring the magnatude and triggers, if there were any.

the new medication so far is really helping me. i haven't been in a suicidal depression yet and i usually hit those once every other day or so. granted it's only been four days, but there is a noticable difference. this stuff doesn't knock me out like the trileptol did, and it's not lithium or depakote so i'm damn sure excited about that. on trileptol i could stare at a corner for hours and be perfectly entertained, wyl can vouge for that. if i wasn't asleep i was laying in bed staring at something, sometimes the TV whether it was on or not, sometimes the floor... it was like being aon thorazine again :P lamictal tho, it's pretty badass so far. i like that i can still feel on it. i still get bummed out, i still get happy, just not to dangerous levels. i want to see if i'll hit a suicide low. i haven't been really depressed yet, but maybe the meds are helping with that. that and my rapid-cycling ass might just zip right through it on ym way to another mood, heh.

i realize that i can't expect someone to emotionally support me 24/7. they'd lose themselves in it, in me. i just wish before i dawn my shit catcher's mit that my frail emotional state could be considered and thing could be communicated. i don't believe that any bad mood is totally unfixable. other people don't have to be hurt and to suffer for it. i wonder if i do that to people when i'm pissed?

eh, i've probably already said too much. i'll probably be spanked in a public forum.... again....

but i had to rant...

i wish wyl and i kept the same sleeping schedule. i miss hanging out with him.

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i don't believe that any bad mood is totally unfixable. other people don't have to be hurt and to suffer for it. i wonder if i do that to people when i'm pissed?

yes. yes you do. but I don't always rip into you for it because I've sort of grown to understand it's part of your illness... however the time I DO go off into a rant about it, it's when it's pushed me over the edge a bit too far...

however you are correct, since these new meds (past few days) HAVE been showing a drastic change for the better. still emotional, but not as extreme. your bitchy ass Doc must be good after all...

I love ya buttface. I can't wait till you get your VD-gifts. MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!

i don't rip into you, you'll tear my fucking head off :P

i did yesterday cuz i was fighting off a depression which ended up just being a generally bummed outed-ness

you said VD

Lamictal is great, I like it. You may still get some hypomania when you up your dose, but it will wear off if it happens.

Krypt and I rarely have the same sleeping schedule, I know that sucks. He's sawing logs right now, while I'm on here.

so far so good on the lamictal. i totally dig it, and i like that you don't feel like a zombie. i feel like i can stop trying to deal with misc side effects and get on with my life, which is totally awesome.

wyl is trying to keep up with my sleep patterns and i wish he wouldn't. that's like trying to catch a fish in a mud puddle, heh. the poor guy needs big chunks of sleep, i just need little 3 hour blocks :P

I've had people try to keep up with my sleep schedule and just become incredibly ill after a while. I've given up on trying to do it at the same time every night because that never happens, so there's no real pattern to it any more. I just sleep whenever I get tired. Although I do sleep for about 6-10 hours, usually. Because of it, I'm impossible to make plans with, which kind of sucks but I'm used to it.