sprinklethief: (Default)
( Jan. 14th, 2011 08:50 am)
Day 28 - Something that you miss.

i'm a bit late. beginning of the semester and all.

while my early 20's and teenage years kinda sucked, i miss the freedom i had. looking back, it was not a good thing - i had no structure, no discipline and no focus which ultimately ended up with me failing out of college the first time around and ending up in some pretty horrible situations. if i'd been more focused i'd have probably been done with my PhD or JD by now.

but i did have fun. i did whatever i wanted, which was probably not good either. i ended up hurting a lot of people and did a lot of things i'd never even dream of now (like dancing around naked on stage...). the naivete and "whatever" attitude allowed for some pretty unique experiences and employment opportunities. part of me wishes i could take it all back and do it again, only right, with the drive and determination i now possess, but the truth is - half of my education has come from the school of hard knocks, which i'd have never learned if i'd done things right. i know i won't be in my 40s thinking "i wish i'd have done this" or "i wish i'd have done that" because i did this and that. i did the hell out of it.

i guess i just miss the lack of the pressure that i feel now. i had very little pressure because i was such a fuck up no one really expected much from me. i enjoyed floating along, wasted, not having to be smart because everyone thought i was a drunk bimbo. i can't say i'd be able to keep up that facade these days, and i NEVER want to live those years again. a lot of horrible things happened in that time period, which probably flung me into that person i was, and i try desperately not to think about them in fear i'll go back to that dark place. but... you have to appreciate where you came from though, because it illuminates where you're going.